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Achimwis 01-16-2013 04:34 AM

New to This: A Little Nervous
 
I'm a 30 year old teacher. My wife and I have been together for three years and up to this point have been monogamous. Then, just recently, I'd say about six months ago, my wife came out to me that she's a poly and would like to start an intimate relationship with a fellow she has been working on a project with. We've talked about it extensively and have our boundaries, I think.

Right now, I'm feeling kind of adrift here. She is out and about, but seems completely uninterested in engaging in couples activities. So I'm feeling on my own. Well, me and our cats.

turtleHeart 01-16-2013 05:25 AM

If she's not into couples activities and you're home with the cats while she's out doing things, what relationship do you two have? What do you do to remain connected? This would be an issue whether polyamory were in the picture or not.

Hopefully the issue of her wanting to see someone else will inspire you two to work on strengthening your own connection rather than it just being part of the process of you growing farther apart as she gets wrapped up in New Relationship Energy.

I would personally want to make sure I felt very secure and fulfilled with my partnership before either of us branches out with other people, and it doesn't sound like your needs are being addressed very well at the moment. Of course, your message was brief and maybe this is just a fleeting feeling and you're usually quite happy with how things are going. If that's the case feel free to correct me.

ps: I haven't even addressed the potential issues of her dating a co-worker, if that's what you mean by "someone she's working on a project with".

kdt26417 01-16-2013 04:14 PM

Hey Achimwis,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like you and your wife may have a bit of a disconnect in terms of what you want out of polyamory. She seems to want to date independently, whereas you're wanting to date as a couple.

Perhaps there's some middle ground here? Sometimes you guys could go on separate dates, whereas other times you could date together? Would she agree to that compromise?

Are you running into difficulties trying to find anyone you can date just on your own? Would your wife be okay with it if you did that?

I hope you two can get things worked out. Let us know if we here at Polyamory.com can help.

Regards,
Kevin T.

turtleHeart 01-16-2013 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 178306)
Sounds like you and your wife may have a bit of a disconnect in terms of what you want out of polyamory. She seems to want to date independently, whereas you're wanting to date as a couple.

Your interpretation makes me think I may have totally misread the OP's statement. I read "She is out and about, but seems completely uninterested in engaging in couples activities. So I'm feeling on my own" as meaning she wasn't interested in going out with the OP to do things, maintaining their connection.

Rather than it being an issue of "dating others as a couple" I read it as them no longer dating each other, essentially. Maybe I need more sleep ;-) I still can't tell which interpretation is closer to the truth from the initial brief message.

Achimwis 01-16-2013 08:07 PM

OH! Heavens. I come across as a real downer here.

My wife and I still go out, and our relationship is quite good and very fulfilling. Actually, we had an absolutely delightful dinner 'n a movie earlier this week. We talk regularly, etc. In many ways, our pre-poly and current relationship to one another are indistinguishable. Just there's a new topic of conversation.

When I say I'm feeling lost, what I mean is that she's out and about, and would rather date independently, and has mentioned that it is a part of her life that she very much wants to be "hers." I can respect that. I'm also interested in trying to date some, but am finding myself at a loss on meeting people (and I'm fairly confident that my wife would be ok with it if I did), especially people who would be cool with me being married.

Perhaps my wanting to date others as a couple is me using my wife as a social crutch? I'm pretty shy, so that might be part of it. But another part is definitely that, I guess, I'm not sure where to start. I did some research on "lifestyle" clubs for meeting people, but couples attendance seems to be perennially required. And, well, as in starting any new venture in one's life, I'm just a little nervous.

(Also, to clarify, she's not dating a coworker. She produces videos and independent films as a sideline/hobby. They met working on a project together.)

Sorry if I came off as unnecessarily down.

turtleHeart 01-16-2013 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Achimwis (Post 178332)

Sorry if I came off as unnecessarily down.

Thanks for the clarification, all of that sounds much better.

As for meeting people, I'd do a combination of seeking out people on okcupid, local poly meetups if you can make it to any (though socializing is often the more immediate goal than dating there), and simply going out and doing things you enjoy. I find the people I meet along the way interesting and more likely to be good partners than if I'd gone to a bar. Also, by focusing on things I enjoy it's not a real problem if I don't find end up dating anyone from it.

Achimwis 01-17-2013 12:55 AM

Gotcha!

Well, it is good to be here. A lot of our friends and family, when they caught wind, didn't really understand where we're coming from. So finding some sort of community was something needed, definitely.

kdt26417 01-17-2013 03:50 PM

Well hopefully Polyamory.com is part of that community for you.


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