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-   -   figuring it out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3739)

Lover2all 09-18-2010 04:11 PM

figuring it out
 
i'm in a poly relationship in which the person i felt was on board with me through all of this has withdrawn sexually...time wise i feel like we are still primary because we live together and have child but in terms of her being fully present during that time is another story...right now, sometimes i feel like i'm the mechanism for her new fresh relationship (via childcare and being supportive of her personal and sexual growth) in which she does want to be fully present in and i know that if i felt she was fully present in our relationship and/or at least working on getting to a good spot that her having another relationship wouldn't bother me and i wouldn't feel like i'm being taking for granted and/or just put on hold while she maintains, grows and cultivates another relationship. the other part of it for me is that it seems so separate...i always imagined poly to be more open and involved and the person she's choosing to cultivate this relationship with is not at all comfortable with that and she seems to be okay with that and i don't think i am...i'm okay with separate relationships but i also feel the separation comes from some amount of non-disclosure on her part...
any thoughts? i welcome any all comments...

MonoVCPHG 09-18-2010 05:04 PM

I think there is sometimes a fine line between poly relationships and having affairs. When there is a veil of secrecy or lack of at least minimal familiarity between all patners it creates the same negative energy as deceit and guilt. You're wife is missing a part of the beauty that can be found in a poly relationship. You are feeling used for a reason that is valid and justified but that can be changed if your wife and her partner learn more about poly relationships and how to create positive energy. Otherwise resentment will set in I believe. Good luck..maybe get her and him to do some reading on here.

Breathesgirl 09-18-2010 06:13 PM

We read, all the time, that relationships should go as slow as the slowest member. Right now that person is you. Whether she likes it or not you ARE a part of her new relationship. You need to know your feelings are valid (they are btw) and that she's hearing you when you voice your feelings or anything else.

Sit her down once the kids are settled for the night, have a babysitter, what ever and discuss this with her. Let her know how you're feeling. Write it down if you need to.

Lover2all 09-18-2010 06:19 PM

always and still figuring it out...
 
i'm wondering what that fine line is btwn poly and affair and know that it's different for everyone and different situations...but interested what folks may have to say?

...she's been nothing but honest in terms of having the relationship and her desire to be in it...and i love her so much for that...and wish she felt more comfortable sharing in a thoughtful manner...she also thinks i'm depressed over all and doesn't want to contribute to that and i understand where that comes from...but i also just lost a family member not too long ago and have a lot of shit going on around that and am feeling that in a real way and time is helping that...

she has said that she questions our relationship in general, irrespective of her current relationship...and at the same time imagines me in her future...

i guess i'm looking for strategies for patience without being delusional about what's really happening...

Lover2all 09-18-2010 06:26 PM

i feel like she does know exactly where i stand and what i'd like to work on and how i feel...i feel like we have great communication in that way and work hard on making time for that...and it hasn't and in some sense i don't think should stop her from pursuing what makes her happy...i think it's her questioning our relationship that allows her to justify that for herself though and that positioning makes me feel super vulnerable...am i just being untrusting and insecure...but i'm not untrusting...i "trust her like i trust myself" and so i know that's where my desire to be good, dig deep for patience, and continue loving her comes from...despite not feeling loved in a whole way...

sage 09-18-2010 08:37 PM

For me the fine line between having an affair and polyamory is not fine at all. It's a great big thick line in the sand and it comes down to how much work all the parties are prepared to put in.

The label "primary" is controversial here but there is no other word to describe the relationship that basically holds the nuts and bolts of your life together. In my opinion if she wants her nuts and bolts held together in a convenient manner she needs to prioritize sorting out that relationship before "cultivating" another. And you my friend need to insist that she does.

vodkafan 09-18-2010 10:03 PM

Lover2all,

this thread is painful to me because I see myself 2 months ago. But I had 20 years and six kids of history between us to help anchor us. My wife back then used to come out with distressing stuff too. It was like her head was just full of the other guy. I felt like I was on a knife edge . It was me that suggested we share her. I just wanted to save my marriage. We knew nothing about polyandry.
I wish I could say something to help you right now.
The fact that she feels it is OK to withdraw from you sexually is a bad indicator in my book.

Lover2all 09-18-2010 10:41 PM

i don't necessarily want to share this person with her...i meant more sharing her experience with me in the sense of verbalizing it and talking to me about it...and i do want to know this person she's seeing because really...i think we would have a lot in common and ultimately, i think that's how i envision poly...hanging out on occassion together...kickin it...with all parties involved...and being okay with that...and i also know you can't make another person want something they don't...both in the sense of me wanting her to want me sexually and me wanting to hang out with her new relationship person...

i know two weeks ago, immediately after dealing with the death in my family, i was in a sore spot due to really old abandonment issues and grieving that was getting layered and all mixe up in this and couldn't articulate and understand a lot of that but i do now...we have a history of 9 yrs living together and almost 16 of knowing one another...make no bones about it, i'm sure there are some attachment issues and i also know in my heart and head that i love her for everything she is and isn't and everything in between and want her in my life and looking for ways to progress to living day to day and big picture life healthily and happily...

are there any less hardline, maybe more experiential strategies that have worked for folks in similar situations? i guess i'm looking for something tangible that doesn't push anyone into ultimatums or not feeling fulfilled...because ultimately i'm fulfilled, it doesn't take much to be honest, i'm really self sufficient and independent and also want to feel valued, loved and respected...and my feelings are more on the 'desiring' and wanting side of things...than 'need'...i want to be loved in a 'whole' way by her and at the same time, i don't need that to be happy...

vodkafan 09-18-2010 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lover2all (Post 44778)
i don't necessarily want to share this person with her...i meant more sharing her experience with me in the sense of verbalizing it and talking to me about it...and i do want to know this person she's seeing because really...i think we would have a lot in common and ultimately, i think that's how i envision poly...hanging out on occassion together...kickin it...with all parties involved...and being okay with that...and i also know you can't make another person want something they don't...both in the sense of me wanting her to want me sexually and me wanting to hang out with her new relationship person...

i know two weeks ago, immediately after dealing with the death in my family, i was in a sore spot due to really old abandonment issues and grieving that was getting layered and all mixe up in this and couldn't articulate and understand a lot of that but i do now...we have a history of 9 yrs living together and almost 16 of knowing one another...make no bones about it, i'm sure there are some attachment issues and i also know in my heart and head that i love her for everything she is and isn't and everything in between and want her in my life and looking for ways to progress to living day to day and big picture life healthily and happily...

are there any less hardline, maybe more experiential strategies that have worked for folks in similar situations? i guess i'm looking for something tangible that doesn't push anyone into ultimatums or not feeling fulfilled...because ultimately i'm fulfilled, it doesn't take much to be honest, i'm really self sufficient and independent and also want to feel valued, loved and respected...and my feelings are more on the 'desiring' and wanting side of things...than 'need'...i want to be loved in a 'whole' way by her and at the same time, i don't need that to be happy...

If she is determined to be with this new person, then sharing her is the best you are going to get....my fault I didn't explain myself clearly....you don't have to share the other person.... for instance in my case my relationship is with my wife and is as normal as we can make it during my 4 days..then she goes off and has a separate relationship with him for 3 days. In 8 weeks I have only met the other guy a handful of times..we respect each other but don't want to be in each other's lives. Our wife is what holds us together. That's the Vee.

I am not so sure you don't want to be needed...and you DO need to be happy, and you don't sound fulfilled. Not trying to be harsh. I can feel your pain.
You have to find out what is really in her heart and go from there.Talk to her.

bella123456 09-19-2010 12:33 AM

Slightly off the main topic, but - I'd suggest paying attention to that grief you mentioned - It sounds very fresh...and you have also mentioned there's alot of issues around it. Sometimes it is difficult to seperate what emotions lie with what issue, But grief is a massive emotion - tidal...and very sneaky. It can hurt so much that the emotions are transferred to some other place where it feels "safer" to touch them...
I'm not suggesting that is actually what is happening...but the fact you've mentioned the loss of your family member...does seem to indicate that's a significant issue for you.
Sorry to hear of your loss..


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