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-   -   New...Confused..... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3724)

3rd 09-14-2010 06:39 PM

New...Confused.....
 
My ex husband is remarried but we are still very much in love. We have talked with his spouse about a poly relationship. She seems open to explore it. We each have a child with this man and don't want to have to split holidays, custody, etc. His wife is a nice woman. We want to make this work and are contemplating me and my child moving in with them. Is there any way that we could lose custody of our children if (and WHEN!!!) our families freak out about this. What kind of boundaries do we set? I'm bi sexual and have no problem "sharing" intimate time. In fact, I would rather all of us have that part of the relationship together. I'm new to this and could really use some advice. Thanks so much!!!

-J

redpepper 09-14-2010 07:50 PM

Interesting question. I have no idea. I do know that there has been other threads about law, custody, the fear of losing kids and moving in together. Perhaps a search would help you come up with something?

redpepper 09-14-2010 07:52 PM

I just did a tag search for "custody" and "custody battle" there was three threads... that is a start.. have a look :)

3rd 09-14-2010 08:09 PM

Thank you!!!

Quath 09-15-2010 01:23 AM

From what i have seen, people start off with restrictive boundaries and relax them over time. So just keep communicating so everyone knows where they stand and what they are confortable with.

As for custody, it probably varies by state. I think in general, it would be hard to take the kids away from their parents. From the cases I have heard, the worst made the third partner move out. Since you would be considered the third partner, I doubt that would be suggested. In general, I think you shouldn't have to worry about it. But you can err on the side of caution and not be explicit about what happens with anyone you think may frown on your relationship.

LusciousLemon 09-15-2010 01:14 PM

I'm new here myself but in a situation like yours I would think that to satisfy most people's curiosity about the odd arrangement you can just say that you wanted to be able to have your child have the same constant access to his father that he would have had if you'd never broken up. This alone can explain your moving in with him and his wife and they don't need to know anything about the relationship aspect of it all.

3rd 09-15-2010 01:19 PM

Thanks so much for everyone's replies. Tonight me and my daughter are going over for dinner with them. The wife is still kind of "iffy" about the whole thing. She was one of the reasons for our divorce in the first place and she thinks this is some kind of revenge or set up. The truth of the matter is, I love my ex with everything I have. He is truly my other half. At the time she came into the picture, we were having problems already and I put a lot of the blame on her. We tried to live together for a while but I wasn't ready to deal with it. Now, over a year and some change later, I've realized that I can do this. I'm excited and a little nervous about tonight. Wish us luck!!!

-J

vodkafan 09-18-2010 03:49 PM

Hi 3rd,

I find myself very much hoping this works out for you. I think the relationship can work fine; the thing that I think may be a big step (especially for his wife) is the moving in together. But I hope you can work it all out. Good luck.!!:D

MsKtty89 09-19-2010 10:58 PM

How far apart in age are the kids? Just tell her it'll be good for them to have each other to play with if you move in. :D

In all seriousness, good luck!

Vexxed 09-20-2010 02:13 AM

It sounds like the three of you have a great base to start from. Things may not have going perfectly in the past, but now you three are communicating about this and are aware of each other's feelings. That is great!

Remember to continue with "very open" communication. Hopefully his wife will do the same. It is realistic for her to have some fears. All three of you should express your feelings. Maybe it would be easier if you or him started opening up about each of your own feelings first to help open the door and create trust. If you make yourself vulnerable, the others communicating will likely feel more comfortable to do so also.


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