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-   -   help me PLEASE?!?! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37199)

AllieSpitznoggle 01-12-2013 07:14 PM

help me PLEASE?!?!
 
My boyfriend wants a polyamorous relationship with another woman, and i don't. I don't like women, and am very selfish with my men. I also get jealous very easily. I'm so inlove with him, we've been together for quite sometime, and he is forcing this on me. He has tons of dating sites up, and he puts me on there, and answers to the messages as me. I don't know what to do, please help??

WaywardDruid 01-12-2013 07:17 PM

AllieSpitznoggle......
 
Run ... Don't Walk ... To the nearest EXIT.

Your guy has some serious problems.

Just Me,
Tim :eek:

nycindie 01-13-2013 10:41 AM

I don't understand why you can't tell him to stop it and respect your wishes. If you've been together a long time, you should be able to say to him what you posted here. Why do you stay with someone so disrespectful and inconsiderate, and with whom you cannot communicate, anyway?

If he wants to be poly and have relationships with other women, that doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. You're straight, right? He can go fuck them on his own, if you're into being open. What he's been doing is just plain idiotic and sounds like he is clueless. It is so ridiculous that it almost has me wondering if this is a real post or not. If it is then... DTMFA!

SchrodingersCat 01-13-2013 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 177546)
DTMFA!

lmao. I hadn't heard that one before, had to Google it.

<3

SchrodingersCat 01-13-2013 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AllieSpitznoggle (Post 177437)
My boyfriend wants a polyamorous relationship with another woman, and i don't. I don't like women, and am very selfish with my men. I also get jealous very easily. I'm so inlove with him, we've been together for quite sometime, and he is forcing this on me. He has tons of dating sites up, and he puts me on there, and answers to the messages as me. I don't know what to do, please help??

Have you told him how you feel? That's the first thing. If he doesn't know that you're not interested, then he can't react to that.

But even without that, I'm extremely against posting as you on dating sites. That's cruel to you and dishonest to them.

Go on the dating sites and report his profiles as abuse. All the sites I know of have a built-in mechanism where you can report photos and profiles as fake. Use these to have the site remove the profiles. For any that don't have a built-in mechanism, send the "help / contact us" link a message with a link to the profile, and tell them that this is your boyfriend trying to set you up with other girls for a threesome, and that you do not consent to it and you'd like them removed.

Another option would be to go on the sites using his login and contact all the women he's been in touch with, and let them know what he's done to you. What the heck, give them his real name and cell number while you're at it. His facebook page too. Go for a full-on smear campaign.

Then dump his sorry ass. Normally I would say "try to work it out" but this behaviour is abusive, and I never recommend working it out with an abusive partner.

I would probably even consider a restraining order on the grounds of posting your photo and information on dating sites. It depends on your jurisdiction whether that will fly, but it will certainly send him the message that his behaviour is 100% unacceptable.

GalaGirl 01-14-2013 07:35 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. :(

I know it is hard to feel, but you could consider taking a big breath, and then just move it forward towards healthy relationship for YOU. With or without him -- YOU be healthy.

This is what I hear -- let me know if I'm not in the ball park:

BF:
  • wants to be in polyamorous relationship with another woman and me
  • wants to force this on me.
  • did not ask me my willingness -- just put stuff online and answers as me.

ME:
  • don't want to be in a polyship?
  • don't want to be forced to have something I do not want?
  • don't want him to masquerade as me online and lie this way?
  • don't want to be with a liar?

Quote:

I don't know what to do, please help??
Sounds like you could revise/update/establish your terms more clearly with him because you aren't happy with the way it is right now.
  • Could tell him to cease and desist on the lying and answering as you. (That's just not respectful at all.)
  • Could tell him if he wants a polyship, he is free to pursue it -- without you. Break it off. (You have the right to have your romances come in the shape you like them in. So does he. Maybe they just don't line up.)
  • Could tell him if he wants to be in relationship with you, it won't be as a polyship. It will be under the terms of your shared agreement. Then take the time together to create whatever agreements you both will make in your shared relationship so both can play happy there. (If that cannot be done? Break it off. )

Just lay it out there. In this relationship...
  • You wants, needs, and limits are ____.
  • Your expectations are _____.
  • You are prepared to give ____. You will not be giving ____.
  • You are prepared to tolerate ____. You will not tolerate ____.

In similar fashion you inquire about his stuff. In this relationship where is he at?
  • What are his wants, needs, and limits?
  • What are his expectations of you?
  • What will he give/not give?
  • What will he tolerate/not tolerate?
  • Are you willing to meet his wants, needs, and limits?

If you are just not compatible and want different things? Or he's not willing or able to renegotiate the terms of your relationship so you are treated well inside the relationship? Remember you can always choose YOU and walk away. You deserve good treatment, not disrespectful treatment. And loving him doesn't equal "stayingness" -- you can still love him NOT in the line of fire.

With or without him --- you could choose to be your healthiest YOU in the long term.

Could choose not to tolerate shenanigans that cause you mental/emotional health pain.

Remember to BREATHE. And hang in there -- whatever it is you choose for yourself next.

GL!
Galagirl


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