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-   -   Help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3719)

Amethyst 09-14-2010 09:11 AM

Help
 
I don't know where to start. I have been married 23yrs. The last ten without any intimacy. I was introduced to a guy at a meetup we both went to and hit it off right a way. We have been together intimately once so far and feel myself falling in love with him. I'm scared, but I want to make love to him. If I had my way , every day. Help. Am I in the wrong here?
Amethyst

sage 09-14-2010 09:52 AM

Hi and welcome

Impossible for anyone to judge if you are in the right or wrong when we know virtually no details. Anyway this forum really isn't about judging it's about supporting, giving opinions based on experience and sharing (that's my take on it anyway).

Can you give us some more details like:-

Have you shared this with your husband?
Is this new man in a relationship and if so does his SO know?

Have you discussed where you would like to take this with any party?

Why has there been no intimacy in your marriage for so long?

These are the places I would start.

MonoVCPHG 09-14-2010 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst (Post 44325)
I don't know where to start. I have been married 23yrs. The last ten without any intimacy. I was introduced to a guy at a meetup we both went to and hit it off right a way. We have been together intimately once so far and feel myself falling in love with him. I'm scared, but I want to make love to him. If I had my way , every day. Help. Am I in the wrong here?
Amethyst

If your husband does not know or if he is not ok with it, whether or not it is wrong, it certainly isn't right. Deal with your husband first; that might mean leaving him but at least you'll be acting with integrity.

redpepper 09-14-2010 07:36 PM

If everyone is communicating and there is talk of what this man means to you with your husband then there is no reason that this is "wrong." There isn't really "wrong" in poly relationships, the joy of them is that you can arrange them how they suit you and your loves. It's about creating what works for all of you. Not just you or one person in particular. That is why there is so much honest, open communication from a place of respect of each other and why there is so much boundary negotiation.

I would wonder what is going on with you husband that you are not intimate anymore. That is a bit of a red flag for me. Just because you are not intimate with him does not mean that he has no attachment to that notion that someday he will be again or sex with you is lacking specialness. He could be very hurt if you are seeing this man behind his back, not only the sex part of it but the connection part of it. That holds just as much value most of the time.

Maybe its time to fish or cut bait with this situation... either leave and be with this other man or start a life as an independent woman, or try out a poly life relationship and get talking with your husband about what kind of arrangement that leaves you both in. Lots of work to do regardless... sounds like a big change is about to come and that its about time...

Hard to say with such limited info. But hope that helps.

Amethyst 09-15-2010 01:04 AM


The first thing I did when I realized I was attracted to my lover and explained to him what Polyamory was. He said that he didn't care, he just didn't want to know about it. I had surgery and lost a large amount of weight, he didn't like me thin. From that day forward he wouldn't show me any intimacy, kisses hugs and never sex. Our MD told him he had a low testosterone and refused the treatment for it. We live together more as brother and sister. We haven't had sex for 7-10 years.
My BF isn't married, we knew at a glance we were attracted. We felt like soulmates. We've only has sex once thus far. He makes me feel loved. We belong to a "Sacred Sex" Polyamorphic group.

MonoVCPHG 09-15-2010 01:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst (Post 44446)
The first thing I did when I realized I was attracted to my lover and explained to him what Polyamory was. He said that he didn't care, he just didn't want to know about it. .

So your husband is ok with a don't ask don't tell policy. That can work for some I am sure.
You say you live as brother and sister though. Sounds like you don't have a husband at all...why stay with him?

Also, if your boyfriend hasn't ever been married, does he not want more out of a relationship than you might be able to give if you do stay married? Does he have other partners as well?

Sorry to ask so many questions :o I'm trying to figure out if your actually poly or have just fallen out of love with one man and into love with another. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's just worth recognizing if it is the case :o

Amethyst 09-15-2010 02:03 AM

My lover has been married before, I know of once. I have been married 5X, one man 2x, but he is a registered sex offender. Between me and my husband we have 10 children, 2 in Australia. Mine are all here, 2 in Minden NV. One in Lake Tahoe NV. the rest of mine are in So. CA.

sage 09-15-2010 06:49 AM

I'm interested in why you thought you might be in the wrong?

GroundedSpirit 09-15-2010 07:45 PM

Hi Amethyst,

I'm going out on a limb here and saying you have some major confusion between sex & love (the amory part).

I strongly suggest you get some clarity on the difference because if you don't you'll just add more confusion to what is basically a simple (but hard to solve) problem.

Lack of sex & intimacy has only minimal to do with polyamory. But a lot of people start down the road and try to grab the 'poly' label as what appears to be an ethical solution to a sticky problem.

But that's only self serving and in reality a lie - to you and anyone else involved.

Love is more than just sex - or even intimacy.

And there's absolutely nothing (in my mind anyway) 'wrong' about seeking to fulfill sexual needs and desires - and long as it harms no one. I promote such frequently !

But call a spade a spade - not a 'heart' :)

Make sense ?

GS

MonoVCPHG 09-15-2010 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 44547)

But call a spade a spade - not a 'heart' :)

Make sense ?

GS

Very well put, GS :)


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