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-   -   For those of you with live-in primaries... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3717)

foxflame88 09-13-2010 10:56 PM

For those of you with live-in primaries...
 
Ugh! Not even sure where to begin with this one... but it's nagging the hell out of me. :(

My partner started chatting with someone new online the other day. Told me about her, yada yada, yada. Yesterday afternoon, he tells me she asked him out to a movie. (He never said he accepted.) Shortly after, we have sex. I head for the shower after and try to coax him in with me. He refuses and then LEFT! He was gone a few hours, and when he came home, did not say a word to me. I went to bed.

This morning, he kept hitting his snooze and going back to sleep. I finally got mad enough to get up and give up trying to sleep. I didn't sleep well all night either, as I was cold and upset about him going out abruptly. FOUR HOURS later, he drags his lazy bum outta bed. :mad: He has not spoken to me all day, and just left for work.

How would you feel in my situation? Am I being absurd for being upset? Part of me wants to see how long it takes him to ASK me why I'm upset, but on the other hand, I am so damn angry I might just blow.

MsKtty89 09-13-2010 11:13 PM

I guess I'm one that would rather make the first move than wait for someone else to do it. Meaning I'd sooner ask him what his deal is and tell him how I feel than wait for him to come around. :o And I'd be upset, too...

Do you know for sure he went out with this person or is it just assumed based on what he said and him leaving? Until he says that's what happens, no sense getting upset that that is it.

I'm not the best to answer any more than that, but good luck!

LovingRadiance 09-14-2010 01:42 AM

I am pro-upfront communication. So I would say-go talk to him.

Personally-if Maca, GG or Mimi left the house "abruptly" without a goodbye-I'd first assume there was an emergency, but if I found out not, I'd be pissed, and I daresay the feeling is mutual.

We simply don't DO that type of thing. We always tell each other if we're leaving. Simple matter of general respect....

Quath 09-14-2010 02:07 AM

I would be irritated in your position. However, I think the best approach is to say something now instead of wait.

redpepper 09-14-2010 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxflame88 (Post 44271)
How would you feel in my situation? Am I being absurd for being upset? Part of me wants to see how long it takes him to ASK me why I'm upset, but on the other hand, I am so damn angry I might just blow.

What an odd circumstance. Why would he not say where he was going and with who? I find that odd.

Why also would you want to wait until he asks? That is rather passive aggressive don't you think? Games like that just don't work. They are aimed at being able to say, "you never noticed" and "you think you can do that to me" etc. Not helpful. Really, in a situation like that you would be the one to blame in the end for the down fall of communication because you didn't ask what was up. Didn't express what is going on for you and how you feel. Two bad communication styles don't make for a good one I reckon.

SchrodingersCat 09-14-2010 07:30 AM

I would also be upset, you don't sound unreasonable at all. He hasn't been communicating with you, then he disrupted your sleep in the morning. That's a pet peeve for me, my husband is also guilty of the multiple-snooze. When he hits the 2nd snooze, I ask him to turn off the alarm.

If I may ask, I wonder if there isn't more going on? For him to just up and leave like that sounds like a symptom of a deeper problem. Assuming he went out on a movie date with internet-girl, I'm having trouble understanding how your relationship has room for polyamory when it's lacking the basic communication of announcing when you're going out and talking when you get home and in the morning.

There's definitely some conversation that needs to happen here. He needs to know how you're feeling, and you need to know what he's doing and thinking.

geminigirl 09-14-2010 07:36 AM

I would have to agree with RedPepper. Are you poly? Did he have a date? Did you ask about it? Open communication makes being poly SO much easier.

janeb1958 09-14-2010 11:19 AM

Are y'all poly? I thought poly meant transparent? Doesn't sound like there is much transparency here -- sounds more of cheating - that he's hiding this relationship -- for me, that's not healthy. I, too, would be asking questions. Beats the heck out of wondering.

marksbabygirl 09-14-2010 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxflame88 (Post 44271)
He refuses and then LEFT! He was gone a few hours, and when he came home, did not say a word to me. I went to bed.

I would be seriously pissed at this point. Don't leave without talking to me, without communicating where you're going or giving me an *idea* (as in - in a couple 3 hours) when you'll be back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxflame88 (Post 44271)
This morning, he kept hitting his snooze and going back to sleep. I finally got mad enough to get up and give up trying to sleep. I didn't sleep well all night either, as I was cold and upset about him going out abruptly. FOUR HOURS later, he drags his lazy bum outta bed.

I am the multiple snooze girl. But I shut mine off before he wakes up. However I can understand the :mad:

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxflame88 (Post 44271)
He has not spoken to me all day, and just left for work.

I would now be BEYOND pissed.

I also don't do well without communicating. I need to talk. I can't go to bed mad - although I'm *mostly* ok with going to bed upset. The lack of communication would have me extremelly angry and upset and ....

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxflame88 (Post 44271)
How would you feel in my situation? Am I being absurd for being upset? Part of me wants to see how long it takes him to ASK me why I'm upset, but on the other hand, I am so damn angry I might just blow.

Game playing doesn't work. And waiting to see if he notices or asks is a game... and everyone loses. There's no winner.

Talk to him. Explain how you're feeling "When you left last night, I felt ____ because ______. When you wouldn't talk to me this morning, I felt ____ because _____." And let it go from there. But he needs to know HOW you feel and WHY.

Just as a precautionary note though - as much as you might want to - calling him a selfish self-centered asshole really won't solve anything ;)

I feel for you... I would be seriously upset by the lack of communication.

Jane

foxflame88 09-14-2010 06:53 PM

To clarify, yes , I am certain he went to the movie with her. Yes, we are poly. I don't have issue with the fact that he went on a date, just the manner in which THIS date happened.

So last night, he got home from work, and continued to ignore me, aside asking what I made for dinner. I ended up going to bed upset again, this time crying myself to sleep. About 5am, I couldn't take it anymore, and sent him an email telling him how I feel. Hoping he will talk tome about it later. ~sigh~


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