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-   -   husband can't sleep when boyfriend sleeps over. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37167)

lilyankh 01-12-2013 08:40 PM

husband can't sleep when boyfriend sleeps over.
When my boyfriend spends the night my husband can't sleep. He lies awake and every noise or sound makes him wonder if it's us having sex. The issue isn't that we make noise. Its that he is sooo curious. He wants to know what we are doing. It's not jealousy and its not that he isn't ok with us being together...he just wants to know. What we are doing. What it looks like. etc. Like looking at porn. He pauses the music and movies if he thinks hears something. etc. Watching sex is a kink of his...so knowing sex is going on in the next room and he can't watch drives him crazy.

*Fem in closed vee relationship with two hetero men. All new to poly.

SchrodingersCat 01-12-2013 09:09 PM

How does your boyfriend feel about exhibitionism? Would it be an option for your husband to watch you and your boyfriend have sex?

There's a difference between curious and nosy. Some things are just none of your business. I'm undecided whether your wife having sex in the next room with her boyfriend is one of those things. I'm inclined to say that if your boyfriend would prefer his privacy and doesn't want your husband to be snoopy, then it may be prudent to go to his house for sleepovers.

Stevenjaguar 01-13-2013 01:32 AM

Like SC said, would it really be that much of a problem for the 3 of you to be together sometimes?

I was like that with my fiancee and her girlfriend when we first started going out, and when we finally ended up in the same bed one night when we got snowed in I got to see that what they did together was pretty much what we did together. Since then I give her space with her gf and I really am not curious. I just hope they share good love and intimacy when they're together. They don't sleep together here, though. Maybe it would be better if you sleep with him at yours and sleep with your bf at his.

Phy 01-13-2013 06:47 AM

We have had this talk. My husband doesn't specifically have a kink for it, but he was curious as well. In our case it was right off the table because neither my boyfriend nor I would have liked that. It depends on the persons involved. If all of you are ok with this, have fun. But if even one isn't comfortable with it, don't step all over him/her. This is about the comfort of all, not that of one. As far as I am concerned, there are some things that one has the right to protect. And privacy is definitely one of it.

SchrodingersCat 01-13-2013 07:09 PM

Another "in between" option might be for you and your boyfriend to make a sex tape with the understanding that your husband will watch it later. Of course, that also requires consent from the boyfriend (duh), but it might be easier if he has anxieties about having sex "in front" of someone.

Of course, if he's simply not ok with someone else watching him have sex either on tape or in person, then it's all off the table entirely. That goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway because I'm learning that obvious things are not obvious to everyone...

BreatheDeeply 01-14-2013 09:27 PM

Is his behavior disturbing you and your boyfriend? Or are you concerned about the hub because you know he's going a bit nuts when you guys are together? Because it does make a bit of a difference. If its your privacy that's important, is there any way to have sex somewhere other then under the same roof as the hub? I'm assuming not or you would already be doing that. Is there any other place he can be when the BF comes over?

GalaGirl 01-15-2013 04:57 AM

Ok. So he's curious and he can't sleep. He wants to know. What's his need from you? Has he requested anything from you? Like letting him watch? Or telling him about it?

Or is this post about how YOU feel about his wakefulness/curiosity? And being ok feeling whatever it is you feel about that, and not taking any action to DO anything about it to meet his need? More about meeting your own?

I'm not clear if this is a "I feel X. I need tips on how to weather it out and let emotional weather blow on thru..."

or if this is a "My DH asked me X. I don't know how to respond to his request."

Could you please clarify? :confused:


lilyankh 01-15-2013 03:20 PM

Thank you all for your answers and suggestions...
I obviously don't like it that he can't sleep and that he feels uncomfortable because I care about him...but also my boyfriend's place is not very comfortable (only a twin bed) and I prefer to be home...but most importantly we all want to live together one day so eventually this needs to be worked out...Also,we have all had sex before...the threesome is sort of how he became my boyfriend.

We talked about it, all three of us...we are open to trying the following: My boyfriend and I are going to try to make a sex tape for him to watch...and we will see if that helps...also, we might try having another threesome. It will be the first since things have gone from lust to love...Also, we talked about sound cancelling headphones...

...as of right now I'm staying at my boyfriend's and sleeping in the twin with him :(

What did you guys do? In the beginning I mean...all three of us are new to this life style.

Phy 01-15-2013 05:06 PM

In our case I felt really disturbed when I noticed that the other overheard me having sex with one of them. Our bedrooms are right next to each other, it happens occasionally. But our routines are quite diverse, that's why normally my husband and I go go to bed at different times than my boyfriend and I. It works that way. I made sure that they weren't involved in the intimate part of the other relationship as far as possible. It doesn't work for me otherwise.

After some time the situation became more relaxed and I was able to leave for some alone time with one of them and actually tell the other, that we would be away a bit. Never explicitly "Gonna have some sex now, see you"; more like "We are going to watch some film/cuddle a bit, lay down some time" and so on. As I said, I am not comfortable involving an 'outsider' in my intimate relationships. And my other partner is listed as an outsider in these cases. And I was and am the one having the most problems with this special topic.

If everyone is comfortable with it, your plan sounds like a possible way to handle your situation. Wishing you luck :) Hopefully it works out. And I promise, that however you are handling things in the long run, the more all of you got used to a three person living arrangement, the more you will relax around each other.

lilyankh 01-15-2013 06:01 PM

Phy...just wanted to say I'm in the exact same relationship. I'm a hinge in a vee. Husband and boyfriend are primaries for me and both straight. I am bi and I am 29! Ha! I just thought that was cool. We are just babies when it comes to being poly though...so many issues to iron out it's over whelming. My only hope is that we all really want it to work. I will definitely read your blog link. Thanks!

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