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-   -   New Relationship Energy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3715)

vodkafan 09-13-2010 12:07 PM

New Relationship Energy
 
Hi, yet another thread from me.

I read a lot on here about NRE. I wonder how long it lasts. It does seem to be responsible for a lot of problems in itself, causing lots of bad new feelings for a mono partner when their partner is in the grip of NRE.

If a poly relationship runs into problems when the NRE starts to run out, does that indicate that the relationship was really just an affair posing as a poly?
Suppose the "poly" person in a couple has say, 3 new partners in one year. As soon as the NRE wears off he/she looks for someone new.

Can you still call that poly? I would be tempted to call that serial infidelity.

I stress that my relationship is nothing like that. My wife didn't seem to get any NRE. The other guy went straight into "Other Husband" status , and my wife (bless her) was very stressed out at the beginning trying to keep us both happy. I don't see her and him when they are together. Only now is she starting to say that she is happy.

TruckerPete 09-13-2010 12:58 PM

NRE lasts about 6 months, but some here will admit to it being longer. I myself have always found a change in the relationship around 2 months ... Still in the grip of NRE, but more focussed on emotional aspects rather than the physical ones at the outset.

There is a thread somewhere, that discusses the potential to be addicted to NRE. While some will argue over whether hopping from NRE to NRE is poly, I don't understand how this is infidelity, unless the poly partners were not aware of each other.

Personally, I would be tempted to call that sort of hopping more of an open relationship, but mono people can do the same thing and no one will argue as to whether or not they're still mono! So, no judging from me if someone wants to call that their poly. :)

The other possibility is that the hopping person really is looking for another long term partner, and simply can't see through NRE. They must wait for it to go away in order to determine whether or not that relationship will be successful. Every relationship fails until one (or several) don't, you know?

GroundedSpirit 09-13-2010 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 44188)
Hi, yet another thread from me.

I read a lot on here about NRE. I wonder how long it lasts. It does seem to be responsible for a lot of problems in itself, causing lots of bad new feelings for a mono partner when their partner is in the grip of NRE.

LOL.........

This is another one of those things that make me chuckle.
Where we never seem to have enough words & terms in the dictionary, we need to always add more to add additional confusion.

NRE is pretty much what most of us know and used to refer to as 'infatuation'. And we all (most anyway) understand that term pretty well and what to expect. And infatuation always passes. But in the meantime the 'infatuated' is operating on half their cylinders. :)

Time varies. Sometimes a casual reminder is sufficient to bring them back to reality. Sometimes not.

But it may be that the key part of the 'new term (NRE) is the 'E" part. Energy.

We're now a culture of adrenaline junkies. It's reinforced by the media as a critical part of being 'normal'. If we don't crave that adrenaline rush there MUST be something wrong with us. And nothing like feeling a new connection, maybe replete with new sexual experiences (more adrenaline) to give us this required shot of adrenaline !

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Like any other drug, smart not to develop a dependency. Thankfully NRE/Infatuation seems to be self limiting. Surviving it (everyone involved) becomes the key. Buckle up & hang on for the ride.

GS

Magdlyn 09-13-2010 02:19 PM

Ive dated a lot of guys in the past couple years, while being in a new relationship with a woman. Oddly i didnt have overwhelming NRE for any of the guys except one (who promised me the earth and then didnt follow thru~ that relationship ended after 3 mos).

At this point, I've been so disappointed with many of the ppl I've dated, I hold back my emotions to an extent. I know NRE makes you idealize your love object, and so I am wary of that.

I feel like I still have some NRE for my gf after 18 mos, even tho we are in each others' pockets most days, not living together, but together A LOT.

Now we know each others' foibles and weaknesses, but she still charms me and delights me and I wanna have sex with her all the time! She's so damn cute and endearing. I'd do her twice a day if she let me. At least she loves to cuddle so I get lots of touching and kissing. She really likes having me around. But I'd say her NRE for me lasted about 6 mos. She struggles emotionally w coming out as transgender and that gets in the way of her self esteem and affects her sex drive, unfortunately. We had one rather dry spell last spring, lasting 3 months, when she was depressed. It almost killed me. :P Of course, I can get sex from my sweeties or casual relationships, but I want her more than anybody!

But, counting my blessings. We do manage daily sex most days. mmmm...

MonoVCPHG 09-13-2010 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 44188)
Hi, yet another thread from me.

I read a lot on here about NRE. I wonder how long it lasts. It does seem to be responsible for a lot of problems in itself, causing lots of bad new feelings for a mono partner when their partner is in the grip of NRE.

NRE can cause a great deal of discomfort for anyone regardless if they are mono or poly. Redpepper's NRE had a negative affect on Polynerdist just like Polynerdist's NRE with Rolypoly had a negative affect on Redpepper. But it wasn't all negative.

I think if someone actually stops relationships after the NRE wears off then they are certainly a form of junky. But this would only be a negative if the people being pursued are not aware of this pattern. If everyone understands that the relationships being formed are to maintain a NRE high than at least people know what they are signing up for. If someone is causing a partner pain by constantly trying to add to thier "stable" to maintain NRE then I think that is where the damage and problems occur.

If a person is a NRE addict (using the word in the nicest of ways) then they should just be upfront..put it on thier OKC profile...here for a great time as long as that lasts.

redpepper 09-14-2010 05:51 AM

I am admittedly still in NRE most of the time with Mono... it has changed, but with each change in our relationship there is new discovery and new NRE around that. I think good relationships get ORE (old relationship energy :p) that lasts for years. I still get a little glow in my heart for many loves that have been or are on going for years.

I would give the stupid, drunk NRE a 6 month to a year period. As that seems to be the norm, but really I think it's longer depending on the distance of the relationship etc.

As for NRE junkies... why not! As long as that is a known by the one in it. Of course the one not in it thinks they might actually have someone for the long haul and then they are gone when the NRE is over. I have a friend like that. I have watched him for years going from one NRE relationship to another. He meets the parents, moves in with them on and on... then he finds a reason for it to end. Shallow reasons like she stopped exercising, she doesn't spend money the same way as me... drives me crazy. PN and I got attached to one woman that we thought would last. He dumped her because she was depressed that her dad got murdered by her brother in Mexico and she needed to borrow money from him to go and see about things with her mother.... what the fuck. Totally lost respect for him after that. Now I am a good host to him and his new girlfriends and they wonder why I am not more friendly. Why bother, they won't be around for long and I can't stand to see another one get hurt.

SchrodingersCat 09-14-2010 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 44188)
If a poly relationship runs into problems when the NRE starts to run out, does that indicate that the relationship was really just an affair posing as a poly?
Suppose the "poly" person in a couple has say, 3 new partners in one year. As soon as the NRE wears off he/she looks for someone new.

Being poly and going through 3 other relationships in a year is exactly the same as being mono and going through 3 relationships in a year. Some people are really fun to date, it's exciting at first, but when the "honeymoon phase" wears off, you start to really see the other person's negative aspects. At that point, if there's no substantial bond to hold you together, the relationship ends and the partners go their separate ways.

Now, if that person is in a poly relationship, and these new relationships seem to "cause" problems in the "primary" relationship, it's an indication that the couple has issues that need to be dealt with, unrelated to polyamory. Just like, if a monogamous person serial dates, and every time they break up with someone their life gets turned upside-down, it means that person has issues to deal with and is avoiding them with the excitement of one relationship after another.

janeb1958 09-14-2010 10:48 AM

Granted I'm in my first poly relationship, but I agree with RP - with each change in the relationship, there seems to be a new NRE! We're about to hit our 6 month mark. I no longer have him on the pedistal (to which he said 'thank you') but I still get the butterflies when he calls out of the blue or I get an unexpected text, etc. Friends still say I'm glowing with love and he does too, when we're together! Time will tell!

Jade 09-14-2010 11:22 AM

I've read somewhere that three years is the max out on NRE, and it only lasts that long if there's some kind of distance/barrier to its natural progression.

kymberleea 09-14-2010 07:41 PM

it works if its honest
 
thanks for the good reading
boy am i getting one heck of an education. The one thing i found in the one relationship I thought was poly was when i brought a new guy ii was always honest in telling him about my other, but he was not honest with his new girl stating that it took time to tell her about me the newness always hurt me the new toy syndrome i called it

As he spent alot of time with her and i always got left behind he said i was jealous and yes i guess i was and as time when on he bored of her and as usual over and over again he never told her of me and bored of her and off she went and i was once again the only one left at this time he has two one who knows about me one that does not but to me this is not poly and as i have said time is fleeting and i am tiring of his games and looking to find a new situation as to me this does not seem positive i love the other girl in his life shes great i am not a bit jealous of the time she spends with him but the other girl i feel so bad for her as she knows nothing of us. And is being led on with lies as he spends but a few hours with her at night and its just sex makes me sad. I am hoping by being here to find some good advice to follow my heart to hear what my heart already knows. thanks again i am learning alot you guys are just a bussle of information:D

kym.


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