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-   -   What do you call yourselves? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3714)

vodkafan 09-13-2010 11:33 AM

What do you call yourselves?
 
For the first time in 8 weeks, yesterday during an argument I referred to the other guy as my wife's "lover".
She really did not like that at all. She made a point that he is NOT a lover, this is NOT an affair (we always agreed that),
I am her HUSBAND and he is her OTHER HUSBAND.

She really very much identifies with the Polyandry model. We both dislike the terminology of "primary", "secondary", "third" or any suggestion that our marriage is "open".

I just wondered how others on here saw themselves and what they called themselves.

Magdlyn 09-13-2010 02:01 PM

Well, one poly person I knew called his other lovers "sweeties." Seems to be a useful term.

I've got a gf, but the other 2 guys I am presently seeing, I call sweeties.

I shy away from that "other husband," or "other wife" term, b/c of when my ex met his sweetie, he imm wanted to make her a wife in our home, before I was ready. He moved way too fast for my comfort. Esp since we'd been together and mono 20 yrs at that point. No way was I comfy letting her gain wife status so quickly.

vodkafan 09-13-2010 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 44198)
Esp since we'd been together and mono 20 yrs at that point. No way was I comfy letting her gain wife status so quickly.

That seems fair enough Magdlyn. Our case was kinda different. My wife had fell in love with this guy but did not have a physical affair because she felt so guilty about hurting me. (we also have been together 20 years with no infidelity ) She really was torn apart mentally and emotionally. So giving him husband status in all our minds has legitimized it for us and made it...I think more honourable?
Also he does not come here, she goes to his place to be with him, it is completely separate.

She likes the idea of being a wife with 2 husbands. If there was a way to do it legally she would.

Livingmybestlife 09-13-2010 03:18 PM

You could do a handfasting ceremony. That might make it more legitimate for all of you.

vodkafan 09-13-2010 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife (Post 44209)
You could do a handfasting ceremony. That might make it more legitimate for all of you.

Hi LMBL, what is that?

MsKtty89 09-13-2010 07:12 PM

This is a good topic and I'd love to hear more.

At this point, our friend doesn't have a term beyond "friend" and my husband is my husband. We're not completely in a relationship at this point, just working on it. I never really thought about what I'd refer to them as until now.

TruckerPete 09-13-2010 07:43 PM

My boyfriend is ... my boyfriend! :p

I imagine that if he stays as my boyfriend for a long time, he would become a "significant other".

"Lover" has always sounded hokey to me and primary/secondary/etc imply less to me ... but people will choose the labels they like and that's what you should use.

I've seen people use DH and DW (dear husband/wife). Maybe that might work for your situation?

Livingmybestlife 09-13-2010 08:34 PM

I believe, some people have a celtic or pagan ceremony making a verbal commitment for a period of time.

redpepper 09-13-2010 08:46 PM

Primary/secondary I don't think were ever meant to be used as anything but descriptive when it comes to relationships. They serve there purpose but aren't terms of endearment. I like "loves" and "partners," "boyfriend/girlfriend" depending on the conversation. "sweeties" doesn't fit my personality. Although I love that it does other people. I love what Mono calls me, "lilo", life love. That's my special name. It makes my heart sing.

RGee91 09-13-2010 08:49 PM

I tend to use what they are. If they are my boyfriend, then they are called that. For me I like to stick to the reality of my relationships.

And I'm not sure, but I believe a handfast ceremony is like a wedding ceremony you have with an OSO with family&friends present (if you choose). It wont be acknowledged legally of course, but its seen as a symbol of the marriage officially allowing in another equal partner... I think thats the term she/he meant anyway :p


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