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-   -   I am sad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3703)

Livingmybestlife 09-11-2010 08:46 PM

I am sad
 
I had a very hard day emotionally with my BF, yesterday and it went on through the night.

He is monogamous, he knew the situation when we got involved. We have worked through some issues. My husband is down with most everything about the situation, until the last week or so. I take full responsilbity for my part in all of this.

My previous BF, was married and not happily, his wife knew about our relationship, but said don't bring "it" home. He had cheated in the past and brought that girl home. I never disrespected there relationship and he was careful with mine. However, things changed for us and we broke up in the beginning of July.

An acquaintance and I started talking about his divicorce. It happened very gradually however, things took a turn and he and I fell in love. DH was onboard everything was good. I stated from the start I would never leave my husband. However, somehow in this I think we both dreamed of a future, me with him living in the same house with us. Him with me leaving my husband. Then last weekend occured and I had a horrible fight with my husband about a long standing problem (non sexual) I told my husband I wanted a divicorce and stayed away from him for the day. I talked to BF during this time period. I was pretty much isolating myself from everyone but my child. My BF heard the words divicorce and got it in his head this freed the way for us. Husband and I had a talk and things were resolved, however with me knowing this was always going to be an issue for us. Monday, the holiday came around and we had another huge fight. Afterwards, we tried to talk about how we could communicate more effectively and he became disrespectful and I finally said I just can't do this anymore. I do not use the D word lightly, and up until a year ago rarely. We had a major incident a year ago, that almost destroyed us totally. Once again, non sexual.
I didn't see BF monday, but talked to him a bit. I isolated again and then finally calmed down enough to be rational to speak to husband again. He was very remorseful about the disrespect he had shown me. I know it came from a place in his heart. So I forgave me and we worked it through.
I did tell BF about this.

So apparently BF, started making plans in his head for us to be togather after everything was settled with his D. So friday, he brought it up after we were intimate and I have no clue how it came up. However, he finally got that I wasn't leaving DH for him. He pulled back and really freaked out. I was quiet upset and he had to leave for a business lunch. The way we ended things, he felt I had broken up with him. I usually chat with him online after lunch and didn't come online, as I had some stuff going on with my extended family and was dealing with that. He texted me and when I could get off the phone, he had left me three letters begging me to forgive him.

So we talked things out and we were good I thought. I knew he had his kids last night. So he asked me to chat with him or talk on the phone. So because my husband was asleep we ended up chatting and got into an intense place. He ended up telling me he had thought everything through and even though he loves me, everything has changed for him. He says "our song is wrong now". He says he still has romantic love for me, still wants to be togather but he has withdrawn in my feelings. We tried to work it out and agreed to continue the relationship.

However, my feelings are hurt, confusion and truly extreme hurt. My husband is angry that he feels disrespected by BF. Truthfully he was, and is angry he has hurt me. I don't really know what to do. I just know I feel really fragile right now.

BF and I aren't seeing each other today (he has his kids still ) and i have a family thing all day tomorrow. He has plans with friends tomorrow night. So I won't see him till monday. I got this really formal email from him, a few minutes ago. I think he isn't sure how to act. I do know that he has never had an honest relationship before. He has never been his true self with anyone before me. I also don't know how I can back up how I feel with this sudden change from you are the most important person in my life to, I still feel romantic about you.

So I am sad and confused. Maybe I should just end things.

sage 09-11-2010 09:07 PM

...or maybe you should just hold tight and let the current emotional turmoil settle before contemplating causing anymore.

It is a very long post and but I think the crux of it is that your boyfriend is now in a different place (ie separated) so he has to try and find his way as a mono in a poly relationship, rather than a poly in a poly relationship. They are two very different identities.

To maintain your relationships you are going to have to be really, really stable in your position so that both the men in your life can feel stable in theirs. This is obviously also bringing up your husband's insecurities now that your boyfriend is available, hence original fight. Fights are not always about what they seem to be about at first glance.


I think everyone involved will be feeling sad right now and your way through is to dig very deep and mine for large quantities of empathy and communication.

vodkafan 09-11-2010 09:44 PM

sorry you are feeling sad LMBL. In this instance I feel your bf created his own problem. He got his hopes up about something you never promised him. He needs to "get it" big style.
Also, can I say I feel you are telling your bf a little bit too much about what goes on when you are not with him. (ie your domestic situation) This can backfire on you.
My wife doesn't tell me hardly anything about what she and bf talk about. So I know she doesn't talk about me and her to him. She likes to keep us separate.
What you said about feeling fragile made me realise something though LMBL. In the first month, just at the times when I needed my wife to be demonstrative that she loved ME and still wanted me, she would seem a bit withdrawn and distant. I thought she was being hard, unfeeling. I realise now she had to be like that to preserve her sanity. She was getting stress from both of us.

Livingmybestlife 09-11-2010 11:14 PM

Polly has it right a rollercoaster
 
So, to my utter surprise, I got a normal email from BF. He was his self. He had apparently been yet again thinking I wasn't going to put up with his emotions. He apolgized and said he loves me, he is just adjusting his thought patterns. He asked me to bear with him. Somehow, I realized he sent such a formal email, because he had no clue how I would respond. We spoke for awhile and things are much better. I have as I said to him before, just want to enjoy what we have for as long as we can. That it is quality not quanity that matters. I also told him, him that being honest is never wrong. It can hurt but it is so much better then hiding things and building resentment.

The fight husband and I had was over his computer addiction and his lack of doing any planned household things. The house could fall down and he could care less if he is on his beloved computer. So it didn't have anything to do with BF.

Hubs, did however, have a reaction to BF's LaLA land. I had told him, I thought BF was a little in lala land the night before and I would address it.
When things got out of hand yesterday and last night, Hubs got pissed off.
So I needed to reassure him. VF I do think you have it right. I feel sometimes torn in two. Right now I feel fragile. I don't really feel I can go to either.

Hubs also said he hadn't felt he could be intimate with me, for a couple of weeks since he crossed a boundary. I had no idea. I reminded him, I wasn't a mind reader. I needed some communication. He had been tied up with work and things and I thought he needed space. Plus child was sick in our bed.

I also see that Sage was right doing nothing was best. VF your right in that I can't share problems with one to the other.

Thanks so much.... I am going to take care of myself tonight....leave both of them alone. So I have these new cocoa roasted almonds and a good book.
.

vodkafan 09-11-2010 11:33 PM

Hey LMBL, I am so glad my limited experience so far helped you out. You have helped me out too no end already. ;)

Morningglory629 09-12-2010 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 43984)
What you said about feeling fragile made me realise something though LMBL. In the first month, just at the times when I needed my wife to be demonstrative that she loved ME and still wanted me, she would seem a bit withdrawn and distant. I thought she was being hard, unfeeling. I realise now she had to be like that to preserve her sanity. She was getting stress from both of us.

Really good point VF. I have felt this from 2Rings and my husband, and have probably done this to both 2Rings and my hubby. It is definitely a way to process stress without letting emotion roll you into a whole other dimension of anger/resentment/depression. Very good reminder to demonstrate your love in some way no matter how stressed and wanting to withdraw you get!:o

redpepper 09-13-2010 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 43984)
What you said about feeling fragile made me realise something though LMBL. In the first month, just at the times when I needed my wife to be demonstrative that she loved ME and still wanted me, she would seem a bit withdrawn and distant. I thought she was being hard, unfeeling. I realise now she had to be like that to preserve her sanity. She was getting stress from both of us.

I get this stressed feeling a lot. I have learned how to hide it in order to be there for either man or my girlfriend when I need to. Sometimes I have to suck it up for a bit in order to make sure they know that everything is good. It has taken practice. There is no room for me to be a princess in all this. not that things aren't good. Most of the time I am just overwhelmed with not having had time for myself. Once I get that time, I find that if I have made one last ditch effort to make sure all know that they are important to me, then I won't have to work extra hard to do so later... whoever said that poly is about having ones cake and eating it too is full of shit. It really doesn't work like that...

I agree with Sage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 43981)
...or maybe you should just hold tight and let the current emotional turmoil settle before contemplating causing anymore......
To maintain your relationships you are going to have to be really, really stable in your position so that both the men in your life can feel stable in theirs. This is obviously also bringing up your husband's insecurities now that your boyfriend is available, hence original fight. Fights are not always about what they seem to be about at first glance.

A lot of the time, waiting for a couple of days or even waiting to see if there is a cycle to some issues means that there is more evidence that they should be addressed. Most of the times there is little to nothing behind turmoil... I agree also that being stable in your position means that partners can rely on you to be an anchor. At least in the beginning. Things change, sure, but if the fundamentals (common values for instance) to relationships don't then the foundation can be built and partners can rely on that and fall back on what you have said and have come to show in day to day life.

vodkafan 09-13-2010 11:24 AM

Sorry LMBL if this is hijacking your thread a bit.... Something redpepper just said..

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 44164)
I get this stressed feeling a lot. I have learned how to hide it in order to be there for either man or my girlfriend when I need to. Sometimes I have to suck it up for a bit in order to make sure they know that everything is good. It has taken practice. There is no room for me to be a princess in all this. not that things aren't good. Most of the time I am just overwhelmed with not having had time for myself. Once I get that time, I find that if I have made one last ditch effort to make sure all know that they are important to me, then I won't have to work extra hard to do so later... whoever said that poly is about having ones cake and eating it too is full of shit. It really doesn't work like that...

.

My wife and I talked about this very thing yesterday. We had an argument within 5 minutes of her coming home. But then later we talked it out and she said it was always exactly the same with the other guy. She admitted that she just doesn't know how to suck it up and doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut (her words not mine!). She said she is going to work at it.

Livingmybestlife 09-13-2010 03:24 PM

Your not hijacking my thread. I thought this through. I had a hard time on sat night. When I indicated I was taking me time. This was not well received. I deserved it after all the crazy stuff. I also called BFF to take my child for a couple of nights. Nothing I haven't done for her.

Yesterday, morning I had a great talk with hubs, last night I had a great talk with BF. I also called my BFF, to take my child for a couple of nights.

RP, I get what your saying about being a Princess. However, when some hard stuff goes down in a relationship it seems sometimes some self care is called for or I for one would burn out.

VF I am so glad you came over here. I was concerned about you at that other forum and am glad you have found a place of support. Hugs

vodkafan 09-13-2010 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife (Post 44211)
Your not hijacking my thread. I thought this through. I had a hard time on sat night. When I indicated I was taking me time. This was not well received. I deserved it after all the crazy stuff. I also called BFF to take my child for a couple of nights. Nothing I haven't done for her.

Yesterday, morning I had a great talk with hubs, last night I had a great talk with BF. I also called my BFF, to take my child for a couple of nights.

RP, I get what your saying about being a Princess. However, when some hard stuff goes down in a relationship it seems sometimes some self care is called for or I for one would burn out.

VF I am so glad you came over here. I was concerned about you at that other forum and am glad you have found a place of support. Hugs

Ah glad you managed to sort things out with both of them LMBL. Yes that other forum was really something wasn't it? My wife read the first load of reponses after I had been on it bout a week, that was about the second week in of our arrangement. She said "You really shouldn't be looking at this stuff, your brain is like sponge at the moment, it is just soaking all this negative stuff up." She wouldn't look at it after that. I don't know why I kept going back. Thanks again for bringing me here.


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