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-   -   What is too much or too little time with a new primary? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37028)

minutemaid 01-10-2013 04:47 PM

What is too much or too little time with a new primary?
Just as the topic says, what is too much or too little time with a new primary?

Background: it's a v relationship

nycindie 01-10-2013 11:46 PM

How can anyone answer that, really? There isn't any set formula. How much time do you want with them? How much time do they want? How much time can either of you spare? What feels like enough? What feels like not enough?

It's a personal thing. Just as it is a personal choice to categorize a relationship according to a hierarchy (not everybody has a primary nor wants one), it is also a very personal thing to figure out how much time anyone can or wants to spend with someone. Nobody else can tell you what's right for you.

Is there some issue or strain on your time that prompted you to ask?

JaneQSmythe 01-11-2013 05:00 AM

There are no rules, as NYCindie says. What works is what works.

It really depends on the people involved. I live with my husband and my boyfriend. Most of my time is spent with both of them (and most of the time I don't spend with them, they spend together).

I describe my relationship with Dude as being "developing toward co-primary" but I don't spend any less time with him than with MrS. (In my case primary/secondary are "descriptive" rather than "proscriptive" depictions.) Some people are in situations where they may see a secondary (in person) more often than they see a primary (in an LDR)...

I would say that "too little" would be where someone doubts their status as "primary" and "too much" would be where the other person feels that they are getting short-changed...


SchrodingersCat 01-11-2013 11:26 PM

17.2 hours per week, including 3.6 hours on Saturdays. 18.1 is too much, 16.4 is too little.

Oh sorry, I'm illustrating a point by being passive-aggressive.

It depends entirely on your lifestyle, their lifestyle, and both of your desires. Some people are introverts who like to keep to themselves mostly. Others are extroverts who like to be surrounded by people. These and other factors will affect how much time you spend together.

But presumably this question stemmed from another issue. Did one partner accuse you of spending too much time with the other? Is someone feeling like they want you to spend more time with them?

For what it's worth, I see my husband 3 days out of every 2 weeks. I'd like more time, but he works on the road. I've known people to maintain long term relationships while in graduate school, in which they only saw their spouses for 3 weeks out of the year. I start to feel overwhelmed if I see my girlfriend more than 2-3 days in a week.

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