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-   -   advice for couple seeking third (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3693)

EvRyNY 09-10-2010 04:24 PM

advice for couple seeking third
We are a couple (male-straight, woman-bisexual.) We are new to poly. We know that we want to explore being in a triad. We have gone on a couple of dates together with a woman we met online, which was exciting and new, but did not develop into a relationship. We would like to meet other women who are also interested in developing a relationship with us as a couple and to possibly build a triad relationship, however we are new to navigating the online dating and poly dating universe. Ideally we would like to have a more "live" experience where we meet someone offline to be friends with at first-where the attraction and interests are shared and built mutually. In our exploration and learning more-we have come across the dreaded and sometimes derogatory term "unicorn hunters," it is somewhat discouraging to go out there with this term out there and to feel comfortable with what we want to share. I guess what we want to ask is-how have others met people open to this kind of relationship? What are some experiences others have had with online dating as well as meeting offline dating-primarily couples wanting to become triads?
Thank you kindly!

NeonKaos 09-10-2010 04:28 PM

There are a lot of stories about that on here. Go ahead and do a tag search or look in the "Golden Nuggets" thread at the top of the forum.

Magdlyn 09-10-2010 09:21 PM

My soon to be ex husband and I tried it back 10 yrs ago. With a woman we met irl. It didnt work. As often happens, the unicorn was more into one of us (him in this case) than into the other.

Why do married couples always think there's a chance this new friend will love each of them equally? How many other platonic friends do you 2 have that you both get along with equally well? There's always that third wheel factor.

And don't forget the feelings of the other woman. Unless she really knows her way around being poly, she might be jealous of one or the other of you when she sees you 2 showing affection.

sage 09-10-2010 09:21 PM


We have just been through this process and I would say go carefully. Admittedly I was bi-curious rather than bi-sexual so that was problematic in itself.

We found our lady online on a dating site and then took it "live" as it were.

Advice: Set out clear boundaries, don't take anything for granted. There is a thread I started last week under general discussions entitled "Help, In a right pickle"

-Go very slowly because if it doesn't work, which it probably won't because the stats are apparently way against it, she will be losing two relationships and so it will hit her a lot harder than you.

redpepper 09-11-2010 08:11 PM

There seems to be a huge desire for triads... I don't know if it is so wise to go into this all with that notion. They are the most difficult configuration and yet the most often sought after. They most often end in one partner being hurt because love does not develop evenly. One gravitates to one or the other, usually the woman to a man and the other woman is left out and hurt.

If I were you both I would discuss just seeing what happens. There is no guarantee that the two of you even like the same kind of women. Why not go into this bonding on the fact that you would enjoy extra love in your life, rather than love from the same person. Why not embrace the possibility of meeting separate people rather than one person. Keep it all open and fluid to possibility.

I am thinking that you are thinking you want to do this together and that the above is not an option because you couldn't possibly be with someone without the other. Making an assumption about this as I have read it here many many times... if that is not the case, then so be it, but checking in to see how you both would feel if your journey were to separate you both would be good planning, because I am betting you it WILL come up. Better to deal with that now rather than when you are in it.

btw what you seem to be seeking is a unicorn. Do a search on this in tags as Neon says... I don't know what is in golden nuggets on unicorns, but if neon suggests a search there then I'm sure it is with goog reason. good luck

NeonKaos 09-11-2010 08:41 PM

I think it is in GN, but it may not be yet. If not, you better believe it will be soon.

AutumnalTone 09-12-2010 04:49 AM

Hmm. THink the lyrics to the unicorn song should be in GN?

GroundedSpirit 09-12-2010 03:18 PM

Well, now you can really relate to how people who are stereotyped for various other reasons feel !

It is what it is. And it's going to be very difficult to overcome that stereotype (unicorn hunters) even if it isn't true (which none of us can judge from here).

But I agree with the others that you may need to do more studying on the nature of 3-way relationships before you even bother going through the frustration. It rarely plays out the way you think :) That's not a 'negative' - only a more realistic projection. Interpersonal dynamics between people just get trickier as the numbers increase and for the majority in our culture, the deep discussion of love and sexual interactions is not encouraged.

Knowledge and communication skills are the glue that hold things together and lacking that glue...............well, you fill in the blanks.


Derbylicious 09-12-2010 04:28 PM

If you are aware that you both have the capasity to love more than one why not just relax about the structure that any other relationship takes? Let what is going to come into your life come into your life. You may find that you do find someone to form a triad with or you both may find others who one of you connects with but not the other. My only advice is don't try to rush things and don't try and force things. Be patient and keep an open mind.


Thunderlizard 09-12-2010 10:18 PM

The simplest thing you will need.. is patience. LOTS of patience. The dynamic you're looking for is very common. There's a reason those women who fit the description you're seeking are called Unicorns.. they're not all that common. (ok, maybe women with the right mindset aren't "uncommon", but the ones that then fit into YOUR life and you into THEIRS.. that's where things start getting complex).
You can realistically expect to spend years looking, and go through some broken feelings and difficult situations in between.. it's all part of the process, but it's not like rolling up to the drive through, LOL.
Too bad... "Yeah, I'd like a brunette, long-ish hair, not too skinny, not too heavy, nice rack, blue eyes, great sense of humor. She's gotta like me and the wife both, but maybe be into the wife just a bit more. She shouldn't smoke, drink lightly, and have no baggage in her past to interfere with what we're trying to build. Honest, communicative, and understanding on the side, please"
Unfortunately, it's more complex than that...... but you'll also probably meet some very cool people and have some memories to keep along the way.. we just figure "if we find it, we find it. We'll keep our hopes flexible"... but we wish you luck! (Easy to wish you luck, you're far away, not competition :D:p)

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