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-   -   Mixed feelings! Help!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=369)

sdside 06-13-2009 09:49 PM

Mixed feelings! Help!!
I am new to this, although I have had a good friend who was involved in a poly relationship. I have always been open minded and have played with the idea but never actually tried it. I do know that my emotions can go both ways on me. I certainly have love for more than one person. However, I am in a mono relationship. Recently, I have connected with a past friend/lover. He is supposed to be getting married in 2 months and technically you might say I am engaged as well....YET we have found ourselves in a situation where there is an undeniable love between us. We are exploring the idea of a poly relationship. At this point, it's not since his lover nor mine are aware of this situation. It's all been very confusing over the last few weeks but I know I have love for them both as I know he feels the same on his side. I've spoken with several people, mostly those who believe in monogomy. They obviously cant see the possibilities and see it as a superficial type of thing. I don't necessarily agree. What I do worry about is the jealousy. I've read how it is supposed to work and the mutual respect along with the openness and ensuring everyone is getting what they need. It sounds beautiful...but is it really possible?? I'm worried that if I even bring up the idea of a poly relationship to my fiance that it may damage us, I dont know if I'm ready for that but I know I don't want to loose this other person in my life. Ahhhh! What to do what to do, any ideas...suggestions...advice....support is greatly appreciated!!!

MonoVCPHG 06-14-2009 05:31 AM

I recommend you both bring it up with your respective partners asap. If your boyfriend leaves then you were not meant to be, same as with his fiancÚ. To carry on expressing your interest without talking to your spouses is disrespecting them in my opinion. Definitely both of you need to express your possible polyamorous natures before either of you get married. I can't stress that enough. It would be like trapping the people you love before telling them what you need to be happy. I won’t even pretend that this would be easy. I wish you the best.

Mark1npt 06-14-2009 07:07 AM

SDside.....Mono stated it very well. If you and your old lover want to be poly, then you've got to find and marry poly people. If your current mono fiances can't stomach the idea, better to find out before the marriages.

Quath 06-14-2009 02:00 PM

Jealousy is the most common worry. The goal is not to surpress jealousy, but to understand it better in a poly relationship. Treat it more as an indication of what is going on and treat the issue and not the symptom.

For example, in a standard monogamous relationship, the guy may look at a girlie magazine and his wife catches him. She feels jealous and demands he stops looking at them because shs should be enough woman for him. But that is just treating the symptom. What she feels is insecure that her husband is not seeing her as sexy. If they address that issue, then him looking at porn is not such a big deal anymore.

Likewise, in a poly relationship, jealousy is a lot about insecurity or envy. Probably the biggest issue is worring about losing a partner to another or feeling less desirable. So for example, your boyfriend may worry that you like your older boyfriend better or will eventually just want to be with him. So you have to be clear that you still really want to be with him. Let him know that your feelings of love for this other guy does not diminish your love for him.

The biggest key to a polyamory relationship is communications. Everyone needs to get their feelings and desires heard and addressed. Find comfortable boundaries, but be willing to change rules over time as people adjust. There may need to be a slow period until people get more comfortable. Also think about how you would feel seeing your boyfriend with another woman. Imagine situations as they may arise and try to understand your feelings.

You should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible. If you wait, you will destroy a lot of trust and may create resentment. It will not be easy because our society teaches that monogamy is what we should strive for as oppose to an option that some people will want.

MonoVCPHG 06-14-2009 02:58 PM


Originally Posted by Quath (Post 1975)
Probably the biggest issue is worring about losing a partner to another or feeling less desirable.

I admit this was at first my main concern when I entered a polyamorous relationship as a monogamous person. I absolutely have no fear of losing my partner now, as I feel totally loved.

Tangent coming up:)

My biggest area of concern is my approach towards sex and the value I associate towards it. This is a very big issue for me and causes me a great deal of stress when in group poly meetings where everyone's approach to sex within relationships is different and definitely not in line with my own. This is not about right or wrong, but about what I would be able to function in. 9 out of 10 times the answer I come up with is "not in my lifetime" LOL!!

This is an interesting and pivotal challenge for me, as well as for Redpepper, as we move towards the future and see how our relationship shapes. Not only will this define my relationship with her, but it also influences my ability to feel comfortable and healthy in my social interactions with people in the poly community. Communication is the key as (as you said Quath) and Redpepper, her husband and me definitely communicate.

I really wandered there didn't I?:)

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