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-   -   Ms Kitty's Polyamory Blog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3685)

MsKtty89 09-10-2010 01:09 AM

Ms Kitty's Polyamory Blog
I have always felt that one man wasn't enough for me. I can't say it's been strictly a physical urge or strictly an emotionally urge, but definitely a combination of the two on various levels.

I have people in my life that I can honestly say I love, some of which I can see having a relationship with and others I can't.

I married my husband, Joshua, a little over a year ago. We met online when I was 15 and he was barely 18. When I was 16, I got pregnant with twins. Not long after their birth, we gave them up for adoption. I have never had the urge to be a mother and, four years later, I still don't. My husband has accepted that. Him and I have gone through many highs and lows before we finally tied the knot.

Now, a year into the marriage, we are very comfortable and happy with each other. We've grown together, matured, and know the other person as well as we know ourselves. I feel confident in saying we are an extremely happy couple with a wonderful relationship.

My husband is in the National Guard, he joined not long before I met him. This year, he was supposed to be done with his six-year enlistment, but his unit was going mobile and he got an extension to go with them (for financial reasons), so he will not be done until next year after the deployment.

My husband left July 30th and I had been "good" for the first few weeks, until I met up with my friend (we'll call him M).

I had met M a few years ago when Joshua and I were going through a rough time and split for a little while. M was a virgin and I helped show him a few things. We never dated, but had an intimate relationship, although M describes himself as homosexual. M got busy with work, as did I, so we didn't see each other much after Joshua and I got back together and moved.

I turned 21 and M finally had a better schedule to hang out, especially since I quit my job of two years. We decided to go to dinner in celebration and head back to my place. I don't think I need to spell the rest out.

By the next time M and I were together, he found out his work transfer was granted and he was to move in a few short weeks to Florida. There is a guy that he is seeing that lives there and they want to give a relationship a shot. M and I had a couple more "dates" since I found out he was leaving and finally I had a dream about Joshua, M, and I all being together... I knew I loved M and didn't want to have to hide that, but I love Joshua unconditionally and was afraid to lose him. I decided to use my dream to approach Joshua.

I told him about it and said, "Maybe it means we're all supposed to be together." At first he thought I was kidding, so I added, "Maybe I'm using this to bring it up without being awkward..." That's when Joshua knew I was serious. I was very scared he'd be upset! But, much to MY surprise, Joshua was very supportive of the idea and confessed he had similar feelings for our friend M.

I told Joshua that I had been unfaithful the past couple weeks and he understood and was not upset. We told M how we felt and told him that we would like to include him in our relationship, because we love him.

It took a bit for M to realize we were serious. At this point, it's my understanding that he's a bit torn on the issue. He feels he still wants to visit the man in Florida and give that relationship a try. Joshua and I agreed that he should go... We don't want him to hate us for stopping him or regret not going.

So now, we are waiting... M and I still plan to spend some time together before he goes and M and Joshua have been flirting as well. Joshua and I are determined to wait for M to come back, as we feel he will be back for us (long story as to M and the Florida boy and why we think it won't work...).

We have discussed the finances, physical, and emotional sides of this. None of us want children.

I told our closest friends about the situation, how we feel, and what we would like to accomplish. All of our friends are supportive, except one. He is taking it very personal and is upset that I cheated on Joshua, even though Joshua is not at all mad. He is also upset that we want to have a relationship with M and that I have had success with M as this friend was shot down by M.

I hope our friend, we'll call him J, comes around... I don't want to lose a friend over this, especially since we don't feel it's something that should affect him. It's our relationship. We just didn't want to lie to him.

MsKtty89 09-10-2010 03:57 PM

Today will be the first day I see M since everyone came clean about how they feel. Even on that day, it was all spilled via phone, so I'm very excited to see M in person.

I will update more later, after M has gone.

MsKtty89 09-10-2010 05:59 PM


I would really have to be able to love this theoretical girl quite a lot to get to the point where I would really, truly be okay with Michael loving her that much as well.
Source: http://polyspace.wordpress.com/2008/03/page/3/

I think this is very well put and explains a lot why I am perfectly okay with Joshua loving M, because I love him very much.

Tonberry 09-10-2010 07:57 PM

I'm enjoying reading your story and rooting for you guys.

Quick question: if it does work out between M and his friend, have you considered STILL giving the triad a shot? After all there isn't a number limit with polyamory :p If you'd be comfortable with M also having that relationship, if M feels able to juggle three relationship, and if M's friend is fine with it, it could also work out.

Might be a lot of "if"s, but I was wondering if you had considered it. Polyamory often means you don't have to choose between two or more relationships, if everyone is on board, and that is also the case here.

MsKtty89 09-10-2010 08:23 PM

Hey Tonberry. :)

I don't know that we're that sharing, LOL. The bigger issue is M's friend would never allow M to be with us and probably will never know any of this. He can't handle it. :( I personally am not comfortable with a party involved that's not really involved (a boyfriend/girlfriend for Joshua or M that I don't also love). Make sense? (Typing on phone, haha.)

The good news today, J apologized for his reaction and we are speaking again!

Tonberry 09-10-2010 09:19 PM

That's great about J!

Also, that makes sense, I guess, you're only interested in a relationship where everyone would be involved with everyone. Due to everyone being straight in my network, that's not something that could happen in my case, but I can definitely understand.
I was just clarifying that point, as you can't be sure with polyamory :p Thanks for setting that straight :)

MsKtty89 09-10-2010 09:36 PM

Glad it made sense! Yes, I can see how that wouldn't work with everyone being straight. I am a straight female, my husband is bisexual, and my friend is homosexual, but him and I "click." ;) If things were to not work with M and we decided to find someone else, it would need to be a similar situation for me to feel okay. And being that comfortable with anyone is hard for me. I am very happy to be that comfortable with not only my husband, but with M. I can't imagine it being someone else at this point.

MsKtty89 09-11-2010 02:01 AM

I just got done seeing M. Joshua wanted me to tell him, to his face, that I love him. It's been suggested and we were honest in saying we want a relationship with him, but I couldn't bring myself to say it to his face that I'm in love with him. I was so nervous! We cuddled and Joshua ended up calling M while I laid on M's chest, turning away, red-faced. Joshua is definitely braver than I am when it comes to this stuff and I try really hard to be brave! He told M how we both love him very much and want him happy.

I started to cry as M hung up with Joshua. It wasn't a sad cry, just a "I'm so nervous we're going to freak you out" sort of cry. M hugged me tight and had told us both he appreciates it. I apologized a lot and he said it's fine, really. He kissed me a lot and rubbed my back and was reassuring.

M had to go, he had a long day at work and has to open tomorrow, so I was lucky for him to stop by at all. I felt bad taking his time, but he said he enjoys hanging out and cuddling, not to worry.

I don't think we changed anything, but we made the step to make sure M is fully aware of how we feel going into anything. I don't expect him to decide to not move or anything crazy and keep telling Joshua the same, but I do hope he remembers that we're here for him and want to be with him, whole-heartedly.

I texted M after he left and asked him the tough question I couldn't in person: "You love us as only friends, huh? It's okay, but I need to know..." He replied: "I love ya guys, hun." :D I don't wanna be too analytical, as I know I could point out that he didn't specifically say in what way, but I am thinking positively.

MsKtty89 09-11-2010 05:03 PM

The morning after is feeling as sweet as last night. I'm still giddy.

I have been keeping three of my friends informed of what's going on, but am not giving up a bunch of details to J. We are on good terms again, since his apology, but I don't think he's ready to talk openly about all of this. I have told Joshua and our friends to not be telling everyone else about what's going on. M doesn't want a bunch of people to know and I'm not sure he realizes our friends already know. I realize that while he still has the intention to move and has feelings for that guy in Florida, he won't be able to be fully open with us.

I hope to see M this afternoon, when he's off work, but we'll see. I already talked to Joshua this morning on the phone and will be texting him throughout the day. I think, even though we are not an official triad yet, that I am feeling a little NRE. The relationship may not be fully defined yet, but it's still a relationship... M and I have gotten much closer and Joshua and M are quickly building a better bond as well. Joshua and I are as close as ever and this is just making us stronger, I've realized.

The empty feeling I would have throughout my days is feeling less overwhelming since this honesty started.

MsKtty89 09-12-2010 04:14 PM

M and I planned to see each other last night, but M was feeling ill. He thinks the stress at work was making him sick. I'm going to try for tonight instead. :)

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