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-   -   Not sure how to proceed.. if its even possible (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3678)

ILUV2 09-09-2010 01:17 PM

Not sure how to proceed.. if its even possible
Good morning... I am thrilled to have found this site....and look forward to learning and understanding more.

My second husband and I have been married going on three years and together have four kids ages 21-10. We "opened" our marriage to others about two years ago. Originally it was the two of us enjoying others, but always together. That progressed to each of us enjoying others separately, but we always discuss everything. He knows who I was with and vice versa, no secrets, no cheating, and we know that we always come home to each other. Our basic agreement is that we dont play in our home, we always wear our rings, and we never ever lie about anything. It has worked well for us and we remain stable and solid and in love.

It didnt take long, tho, for me to realize that not only was looking for a playmate tiring, but I really didnt want a large amount of partners. I wanted one man that would be my ultimate friend with benefits. Hubby knew what I was looking for and desiring, and had no problems with it. He was surprised it took so long. In the mean time, I did find him a perfect partner.. and they were great together till she started freaking because she had fallen in love with him. She couldnt handle it and broke off their relationship harshly and hurtfully. We were all hurt, she was my friend also. He has since found another playmate/lover, and she is fabulous.

And then I met "him". The man I have been looking for... he was/is everything I desired. It didnt take long for both of us to realize we were in love. My husband was totally fine with my relationship, and gave me total freedom with him. For the most part I spent extra time with my "boyfriend" and regular time with my husband and children, and it amounted to a few late nights and and at least one overnight per week. My BF and I would meet occasionally for lunch and was just happy seeing each other with or without sex.

And then came the problem. He is a divorced man, five years younger than I am, and is still desiring a long term special someone. He realized that by spending time with me, although he loves me and our time together, people are starting to see us as a couple, which no longer makes him a single man and less likely to find a "forever" that he can introduce to friends and family as such. He is unable to reconcile his emotions.. his need for me and his need for "forever". He thought perhaps decreasing our time together would help.. allowing him more "single guy" time, but he was miserable (so was I). He thought that if we didnt go "out" where people would see us as a couple, it would be ok. But, again, he wanted to do "things" with me (we were always discrete though.. as I am married with kids). We are unwilling to no longer see each other, but I will do what needs done to ensure his happiness. If that means I wont see him .. then so be it. I want him to be happy and want him to find someone special. But if he stops seeing me and still doesnt find anyone (he admits that to this point he has met nobody that is what he wants.. other than me)... then putting our love on the back burner is pointless.

Is there a way to move forward with this relationship? This is something he has to come to terms with.. its his life ultimately. But he has asked me what to do. I can and will advise, but I cant decide for him. Of course I want him, but not if he's always going to feel that he's missing out on something.

Maybe this long winded post is pointless. Maybe I've already answered all my questions. But I would love any input and thoughts from those that have been there done that.....


Quath 09-10-2010 01:29 AM

I think he needs to figure out what he wants and not focus as much on what society expects he should want. Why can't he be "forever" with you? "Forever" is never a guarantee and just an attempt to try to be together as long as it is good for both people.

I think he should enjoy a good thing while he has it and not worry about possibilities or other people's expectations. I think finding happiness is an internal struggle to recognize all the good things you already have.

ILUV2 09-10-2010 02:58 AM

Thanks so much for responding. I posed the one point you made to him prior to this.. "why cant I be your forever"... and he just cant seem to get past my marriage.

redpepper 09-10-2010 06:24 AM

Good question! I think that your man sounds very monogamous and is under the understanding, because he lives it, that there is only room for one in ones heart. Perhaps he cares for you and likes having casual sex with you, but doesn't love you and is reserving that special love for someone else. Now he realizes that it has been fun, but that special love is not getting it's needs met.

My boyfriend is also Mono and this is how he describes it... he can chime in whenever he wants if he wants and say more or dispute what I am saying, but he has a special love for just one. Not that anyone elses love for more than one is any less special, this is just the words he uses to describe it for himself. That love he has belongs to me and only me. He doesn't have a need to find another to give that too. I am his forever. We all are now, husband, child, my girlfriend, my extended family. He has chosen me regardless.

Similar to what Quath said, I think that your boyfriend needs to decide if he is going to chose you regardless of what others say and regardless of your husband and life beyond him. I would wonder if he is having second thoughts about his involvement with you. Sounds like he wants someone of his own, not to share. That is fair. Sad for you, but fair enough.

ILUV2 09-10-2010 11:32 AM

Thank you Redpepper! I think you may have hit the head on the nail. My boyfriend does indeed love me... I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me and in his face when he is struggling to understand our relationship. He has said that his "special someone" is someone exactly like me. But I dont know that he will find someone exactly like me... someone that has lived the life experiences that I have had, that has loved the way I have, that has sacrificed the way I have. I am willing to give him the space he needs... but I fear its in vain. I believe that I am his forever. He just needs to believe it, and come to terms with what may or may not happen within his circle of family/friends when our relationship comes to light.

Thank you again.. I very much appreciate the knowledge of those who have been there done that.

redpepper 09-10-2010 02:39 PM

You very well could be his special someone and that will come to light with time, consistency on your part and his own process with it all I should think. Mono and I had a simlar struggle and that part is over now. There is little doubt I am his special love. Now the struggle has changed, as it seems to go in relationships.

Tonberry 09-10-2010 06:20 PM

It seems to me it's just hard for him because he's been expecting and wanting something for so long: a "normal" life progression of getting married, buying a house, having children, and so on, you know, the traditional model.
Now he found a special someone but can't marry her. So there is a contradiction for him. He wants to find someone just like you... but not married.

He won't find someone "just like you". He might find someone different, and he might not find anyone, but he won't find a you who isn't married. Is he talking of finding a special someone and still being with you at the same time? Is he longing for something more official, where you don't have to hide?

I can't know what it feels like for him, not being in his position, but it's probably hard and conflicting. Maybe he can't imagine a life of never getting married to the woman he loves, if he is mono. Maybe he can't imagine a life of not being married at all, mono or not. The fact is, you can't marry him, and maybe that makes a very big difference to him.

He might need to lay things down, between his hopes and expectations and what his life is, and decide what's more important to him. That might mean renouncing the idea of a "normal" life. Which might be very hard for him, but if he loves you, it is probably worth it, right?

I hope he will find a way to be happy with his situation, or change it.

MonoVCPHG 09-10-2010 10:41 PM

I'm not sure if your boyfriend has ever had kids of his own but that may be a factor.

The big thing that I see could be holding him back.....discretion. I wouldn't want to spend my life trying to hide my relationship..I did that before when I had an affair. It is draining and always left a sense of doing the wrong thing in my mind. He needs to find his own sense of "normalcy" in this. How can anyone truly commit to a relationship they have to hide?

Me and Redpepper have friends who see us as a couple even though they know and like her husband. We have our own little world so to speak.

If you want him forever you need to be prepared to take some heat. That is a high price to pay but might be a way to give him a sense that he can be fulfilled with you.

Of course, he may just be so mono that he ultimately needs love and commitment returned in the same way he gives it. If that is the case then he will in fact replace you if he finds the right person...maybe not the perfect person but someone who he can build forever with (as long as that lasts).

Find out what he is missing. See if it can be found within your relationship dynamic. Be honest.

ILUV2 09-12-2010 02:06 AM

Discretion is part of whats holding him back... originally... we agreed that we would not go out locally if at all. And, if we did happen to go out.. we are going out as friends only. That just didnt work. We both enjoy life so much that we want to do things together and we both enjoy each other so much that we cant help but touch... our body language gives us away. He has told me many times that he'd love to be able to introduce me as his girlfriend...but is not sure of the response.

I'm beginning to believe that if he is up for it he should just do that. My husband is agreeable. I feel that people are going to make their own judgements no matter what. If my BF wants to introduce me as his girlfriend, and leave it at that, then so be it. He doesnt have to say "this is my married girlfriend"!... Just let it go...

I dont know... still trying to work it all out...

SchrodingersCat 09-12-2010 03:12 AM


Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 43807)
It seems to me it's just hard for him because he's been expecting and wanting something for so long: a "normal" life progression of getting married, buying a house, having children, and so on, you know, the traditional model.
Now he found a special someone but can't marry her. So there is a contradiction for him. He wants to find someone just like you... but not married.

Some people want "the traditional model" because they're raised to believe they want it. Others genuinely want it because they want to be parents, want the stability and security of marriage, want to know that someone loves and will work through problems with them no matter what life throws at them.

Growing up, I always balked at marriage, thinking it was stupid and for suckers. Then I met someone whom I couldn't imagine life without. And now, I love being married. I love working out issues and problems in our lives, helping each other, the trust and security we share. Now, knowing what I have in my marriage, I can understand why others want it.


Originally Posted by ILUV2 (Post 44013)
He has told me many times that he'd love to be able to introduce me as his girlfriend...but is not sure of the response.

I'm beginning to believe that if he is up for it he should just do that. My husband is agreeable.

I have to say, he's in a bit of a difficult situation.

How could he be expected to believe that you're his "forever girl" when you wouldn't even let him introduce you has his girlfriend? That doesn't seem considerate of his feelings and needs.

The way it looks to me is that he's your dirty little secret from the rest of the world. That's a tough pill to ask him to swallow forever. You're married with kids, and as he sees it, he'll always be second place to all that. If he wants kids and marriage and the whole package, he'll never have it with you, unless your husband and boyfriend would be willing to all live together, with you married to both of them.

It's a great feeling to know you're the most important (non-child) person in someone's life, and while he may give you that feeling, he doesn't get it returned from you. Your husband is more important. He's the man you "allow" to introduce you as his partner, not your boyfriend.

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