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-   -   Not sure what to do... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36753)

SearchingforMyself 01-08-2013 06:02 PM

Not sure what to do...
 
I've been invited to a nice restaurant with JP and J for J's birthday. I'm torn because while we are all great friends and I would love to celebrate her birthday with them, I'm not sure how I'll be when the situation is reversed and it's my birthday (which is just before their anniversary and his birthday). Help - am I overthinking this?

GalaGirl 01-08-2013 06:44 PM

You have a need to know.

To alleviate the need, you could call them up and say something like:
Yes! I would love to celebrate her birthday with both of you! Thanks for inviting me!

Since we're on the subject of bdays, I note that my birthday is right before your anniversary and his birthday. Would we be planning and discussing celebration preferences for all these upcoming things at THIS date (her birthday celebration) or would we map that out at a later date?

While I'd like to know so I can get my calendar organized, I want to honor the birthday girl's preferences at THIS date since it is her special day. I always prefer to honor the bday person's preferences so I am really honored to be included in this year's bday fun! Thanks again.
Sometimes rather than what iffing a thing to pieces it is just easier to ASK. Set the precedent as "honoring the bday person and what their preferences are."

Not a precedent of "we all just celebrate together automatically."

Then see if you feel better.

HTH!
GG

BreatheDeeply 01-08-2013 11:14 PM

Do you know if you want her at your birthday yet? Or is that the dilemma?

nycindie 01-09-2013 02:39 AM

Um, why would you think the "situation" will automatically be "reversed" for your birthday? Why wouldn't you choose what you want to do and whom you want to be with for your own birthday? :confused:

SearchingforMyself 01-09-2013 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply (Post 176726)
Do you know if you want her at your birthday yet? Or is that the dilemma?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 176747)
Um, why would you think the "situation" will automatically be "reversed" for your birthday? Why wouldn't you choose what you want to do and whom you want to be with for your own birthday? :confused:

I'd say it's more the first quote than the second. I don't know what I'm going to want to do in 3 months when my birthday will be coming up - but I'm fairly sure that while I may want to have some private time with JP, I will probably also want to have some celebrating time with both of them.

I'm still getting used to having a shared sweetie and am trying to not overthink and over worry since I am the secondary. Plus, while JP and J have pretty much always had a sexually open relationship, I'm the first "mistress" that he has brought home and that J has been friends with. We're all still figuring out how this will work - including our differing definitions/experiences with the term "FWB" and why it's positive for both of them and horribly negative for me.

nycindie 01-09-2013 06:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SearchingforMyself (Post 176644)
I've been invited to a nice restaurant with JP and J for J's birthday. I'm torn because . . . I'm not sure how I'll be when the situation is reversed and it's my birthday . . . Help - am I overthinking this?

Yes, it would seem so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SearchingforMyself (Post 176755)
II don't know what I'm going to want to do in 3 months when my birthday will be coming up

Well then, there's no need to worry or be "torn." If you want to make sure you get to do what you want, with whomever you want, then make plans in advance. If you're not into planning, then you could find yourself either stuck doing nothing, or in a situation you don't really want to be in. Either way, it isn't really worth worrying about, is it? I wouldn't think they'd expect you to invite them both to whatever you want to do. There's no rule that you have to, just because you were invited to hers. I mean, it's your birthday.

BreatheDeeply 01-10-2013 06:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SearchingforMyself (Post 176755)
I'm still getting used to having a shared sweetie and am trying to not overthink and over worry since I am the secondary. Plus, while JP and J have pretty much always had a sexually open relationship, I'm the first "mistress" that he has brought home and that J has been friends with. We're all still figuring out how this will work - including our differing definitions/experiences with the term "FWB" and why it's positive for both of them and horribly negative for me.

Is there more background you could provide? A bit of relationship history maybe? You feel you're getting the short-end of the stick being the FWB/Secondary to JP? I guess I'm not certain how all this came about and maybe it would help to get more details.

SearchingforMyself 01-14-2013 05:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply (Post 177032)
Is there more background you could provide? A bit of relationship history maybe? You feel you're getting the short-end of the stick being the FWB/Secondary to JP? I guess I'm not certain how all this came about and maybe it would help to get more details.

JP and I became involved while I was living with my former primary partner E. I've posted about the demise of my relationship with E in a few other threads. Without going into too much detail, JP and his wife J have always had a sexually open relationship due in part to a large difference in sex drives and J has always held veto power. I will admit that I sometimes have insecurities with being a secondary where my metamour (and really good friend) has complete veto power. At any point, J could tell JP "no more" and his and my relationship would have to shift back to just being friends.

On the other hand, as far as I know, J has never become friends with any of the girls that JP has previously been involved with. She now refers to me openly (with our friends) as JP's "mistress" and encourages our communication - between her and I, between him and I, between her and him, and between all three of us.

6 months in to whatever it is that we're doing and it's pretty hard to describe - but overall it seems to be working. I do still worry about that veto - but it's something that she needs.

SchrodingersCat 01-14-2013 05:59 AM

This has nothing to do with your birthday, but it's worth noting that "veto power" doesn't equal "ending existing relationships" power. Veto literally means preventing something before it happens.

My girlfriend and her husband have a veto agreement. But once a relationship is established, that veto power ends. He had the opportunity to tell her she couldn't start dating me, but now he can't tell her that she has to break up with me. That's one reason why meeting a new partner before things get serious is a major part of how they do poly.

Now, it could be that JP and J mean something else by "veto" and that they're just using the wrong word, or it could be that you misunderstood the meaning of veto. I, personally, would want to find out which one it is. I don't think I could be with someone whose partner has permission to send me packing.

SchrodingersCat 01-14-2013 06:16 AM

I don't make a big deal out of birthdays. I usually spend them the same way I spend every day. So in my world, you're over-thinking this. But I'm also an over-thinker, so I can sympathize with that.

Myself, I would probably be worrying more that J is agreeing to have me there for JP's sake. Have you asked JP whether this was his idea or hers? Are her other close friends going to be there, or just you three?

Even though you don't know what you want to do for your birthday, you must have a gut reaction about whether or not you want J to be there. If you're more drawn to a one-on-one intimate type gathering, then you'll probably just want JP, and J should understand that. If you're the type to have a big bash with all your friends, then excluding J would be a bad idea.

I can see why you're worried about setting a precedent. That's why I like GG's suggestion of setting the precedent in terms of doing what the birthday girl/boy wants, as opposed to setting the precedent for all three of you. That leaves it wide open for you to decide down the road. It also gives J an elegant out if this isn't really her idea. And if there's any chance you won't want her at your birthday, make sure you make it clear to her that if she wants her birthday to be just her and JP, that you're completely okay with that.


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