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-   -   new & confused with an issue (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3672)

tiresias 09-07-2010 07:30 PM

new & confused with an issue
Hello all. I became involved in a poly relationship with an engaged girl about 6 months ago. Then this summer (4 & 1/2 months ago) I had to travel out of the country for work and she was married, so we pretty much took a break except for the occasional hello.

Anyway, she has hsv-2 and told me this before we started any sexual activities. I evaluated the risks and decided to go forward with it - she's on medication, has had it for 5 years w/o an outbreak in 4 and is very healthy and aware of her body. We also ALWAYS used condoms. Anyway, I havent been with her in about 4.5 months and was tested two weeks ago and came back clean.

We are about to meet again and well, I guess Id say the first time we got together with her I was so attracted to her that it kind of blinded me a bit (we get along amazingly well). I was new to poly at the time and really wasn't really dating others and was thinking of a potential live-in situation with her and her guy. Weve talked pre our break and she is only into keeping it secondary and seeing eachother maybe once weekly with the occasional vacation but maintaining her husband as very much so her primary. This was a bit hard for me at first but thanks to time and life and all that wonderful stuff I am fine with it.

Anyway, we are to meet again in a couple days and if it wasn't for the hsv-2 I would totally be down to at least try the sort of relationship she proposes. I feel very much so over my infatuation with her while at the same time really (really) excited about polyamory. My issue is that her having hsv-2 really limits me in finding other partners because clearly I would relay that risk any new partner before we became sexually involved.

Basically I am confused and really could use some advice. Does anyone have any experience with this? Any thoughts/words are super appreciated.



Derbylicious 09-07-2010 07:36 PM

My first thought is don't do anything that you're not completely comfortable doing. Apart from that it sounds like you both have good heads on your shoulders. You're using condoms, getting tested and she is aware of her body. From what I understand of hsv people with it tend to know they're going to have a breakout before it happens and can avoid contact with others until they're healed.

tiresias 09-07-2010 11:46 PM

Thanks Derbylicious. Thats what I understand about the hsv thing too - I even have a friend who is a doctor and has a girlfriend with hsv because he is confident that the risks are really low if the person is on medication, knows their body and protection is always used.

I think we will just take it slow for now and see if we are sure we even want to pursue a relationship. Sadly, sex will probably be out for a while cause I need to think about this as I re-enter my life and start dating again. Its just a bummer that adds a serious extra complication to something that is already pretty complicated.

NeonKaos 09-07-2010 11:49 PM

This whole STD thing makes me want to just stay married and be poly "in theory". I've never even heard of this "hsv" before. It's not even worth using condoms or dental dams because I am allergic to latex. This is just bullshit.

Derbylicious 09-08-2010 12:02 AM


Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 43358)
This whole STD thing makes me want to just stay married and be poly "in theory". I've never even heard of this "hsv" before. It's not even worth using condoms or dental dams because I am allergic to latex. This is just bullshit.

hsv is herpes simplex virus

tiresias 09-08-2010 12:16 AM

uh, whats with the 'this is just bullshit'? Im pretty sure its a real issue and placing blame on people for acquiring stds is kind of like, uh, bullshit. cause shit happens. And by the way, 1 of 5 US adults has hsv, aka - herpes.

Lemondrop 09-08-2010 08:55 PM

Tiresias, I think she's simply frustrated with the world. You know, like, "Aw hell, another complication in the complicated world of poly-dating?" No judgement on anyone afflicted with herpes.

It can be really frightening to think of leaving a safe, established sexual relationship and open yourself up to the possibility of getting something through another partner. Definitely enough to frighten me off. And if you're allergic to latex, my understanding that the sheep-intestine alternative does not provide a barrier to some STDs.

Anywho, so that I don't completely hijack the thread, I think you're completely right in taking it slow. It's worth it to be absolutely sure where you're going before making a commitment. I'm glad to hear that you seem to have such a level head.

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