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-   -   When does attraction start? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3667)

TruckerPete 09-07-2010 09:54 AM

When does attraction start?
So I saw this statement in another post and had a very strong YES to it. While it may not be enough to warrant its own thread, I have enough to say to warrant not hijacking the OT. :D


Originally Posted by TeJoKo (Post 43260)
I think physical attraction is pretty important for romantic love... But emotions can also tell us we find someone attractive that we didn't used to just because we now have feelings for them.

I need to get to know the vast majority of men before any sort of attraction develops ... I have to hear them speak, see their attitude and personality before they become attractive. Now sometimes I may not need to see very much, but it's still a necessity. AFTER I see a personality I enjoy, my mind begins to notice physical attributes I like. This escalates, depending on the level of the relationship.

Funny, while all the girls in high school put up posters of this guy and that guy in their lockers, I went "meh."

Give me a traditionally HAWT man with a crummy personality, and I'll show you someone that I have no interest in. It does go to the point of affecting sexual desire. Perhaps this is why the vast majority of casual sex I've had has always been with friends? I find the act of trying to pick up at a bar unattractive, and so everyone in the bar just goes down a notch for me. (Even if I might have also been trying to pick up, not necessarily get laid.) Funny how the brain works!

Now women on the other hand ... I will immediately find a woman attractive! In terms of the strangers I check out, women make up 95%. Women tend to work backwards, if I find them immediately attractive. (If I don't find them immediately attractive, they follow the same path as a man.)

Here's an example:
-Saw the movie Domino, fell in lust with Kiera Knightley.
-Saw Kiera Knightley on the Daily Show, watched her bomb an interview with Jon Stewart. A quick wit and sense of humour is extremely appealing to me, to the point of being a necessity. She basically sat there and giggled at him.
-Immediately fell out of lust with Knightley.
-I do still enjoy Domino. :p

That's a shallow, "from afar" example, but it works the same in real life.

One might argue that I liked her "personality" in Domino, and I think this is somewhat true. However, her real personality easily overpowered that.

And finally, since it's six in the morning and I am just randomly throwing things in here, rather than formulating a cohesive post, I will say that if I ever met Kiera Knightley, and she turned out to be articulate and witty and wonderful, then that would overpower the Daily Show interview.

So, nothing is set in stone for me. I oscillate in my level of attraction, until I have enough "evidence" about that person that my body makes up its own mind.

Now, discuss!

Ariakas 09-07-2010 03:39 PM

Well that absolutely depends. Attraction comes from lots of locations. If I think back to all the times I have felt attraction enough to both dating or trying to date. I have a few different patterns

Raw absolute lust. My one ex and I saw each other and immediately started making out. Very strange level of sexual intensity. This was a fireball of a relationship that lasted a very short time. Physically she would not be considered attractive by the masses. A little butch with a lot of cute.

Our ex was flirty and cute. A really skilled flirter. Her intelligence was above par so she immediately caught my attention. In her, I was attracted to the facade of this initial personality. (physically she is nice too) If I had met her "real" personality first. I likely wouldn't have been interested at all.

I am currently very attracted to SJ. This pattern was forced to be one of intelligence and friendship. This is a new one for me as I have never had a friendship transition into a relationship. The attraction in this one came from getting to know her personality, quirks and intelligence. She attracted me in the same way Pengrah did the first time we met. Although with Pengrah I was able to get physical very very quickly.

Angelina Jolie, if we are talking stars, is the type of woman I like. Now I know 70% of the population can say that, but my reasoning has to do more with her, then her physical attributes. I started crushing on her in Hackers. It was the look in her eyes. You knew she was a kinky girl. That personality captured me. If I catch that glitter of sexual recognition from a woman than I can instantly become attracted.

Jade 09-07-2010 04:20 PM

Attraction may usually start in the eyes, but it always ends in the head.

freeantigone 09-07-2010 04:34 PM

I can fancy someone for what they look like, in a sort of "ohh they're nice" kind of way, but I know it's a superficial crush. They're just eye candy.

I am attracted to big sexy brains :D If someone is smart, can make me laugh and is kind, they've pretty much got me :o

TruckerPete 09-07-2010 05:12 PM


Originally Posted by freeantigone (Post 43304)
I can fancy someone for what they look like, in a sort of "ohh they're nice" kind of way, but I know it's a superficial crush. They're just eye candy.

I am attracted to big sexy brains :D If someone is smart, can make me laugh and is kind, they've pretty much got me :o

Oh yes. People can be aesthetically pleasing, but unattractive to me. The reverse also works!

Sexy brains ALWAYS win!

RGee91 09-08-2010 01:26 AM

The way my attraction works, I HAVE to be physically attracted first, if not you are instantly friendzoned (shallow, I know :( ) and after passing the physical test, you just have to make me like you. But what I find attractive physically is very broad (so maybe not SO shallow :) ). I love nerds, jocks, "cool", goths, fem, stud, ect.
In terms of stars, my crushes are KID CUDI, Michael Cera<3, Kid Cudi, Travis Mccoy, kid cudi, B.o.B and Scott MesCUDI lol

i kinda like kid cudi too... ^_^

Mohegan 09-08-2010 01:41 AM


Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 43315)
Oh yes. People can be aesthetically pleasing, but unattractive to me. The reverse also works!

Sexy brains ALWAYS win!

I totaly agree with what you've said in this thread. I may notice certain things about someone that make them pleasing to look at. But attraction doesn't really kick in until I get to know them.

I joke that this whole dating thing is new to me, after 8 yrs of only Karma. But it's honest. I rarely even noticed anyone else in that sense. It wasn't until Panda came along and then non b/f, that I started to open my eyes. If someone was pointed out as eye candy, I may notice then, but very rarely on my own.

It's almost all personality to me. It can definitaly make or break attraction.

phoenix762 09-08-2010 01:47 AM

Hum. I really have to get to know a guy emotionally, mentally, b/f I would fall for him. Generally, looks don't mean too much to me at all...not really. Well...perhaps just a little bit..:D

The exception was my son's father (my ex). I was physically attracted to him. Yeah. Perhaps that's why I made such a huge mistake....pfft.:rolleyes:

MonoVCPHG 09-08-2010 04:39 PM

I can find people physically appealing quite often. I guess if I was into casual sex they would "fit the bill" so to speak. Actual attraction is rare for me. It's like a switch and it doesn't require even talking or getting to know someone. Communication leads to greater depth and intensity in that attraction but I either am or am not attracted to someone just by thier energy. People don't "grow" on me.

I've felt this type of attraction 5 times in my life of 39 years. I've also never been attracted to some one who hasn't reciprocated. I just know.
Because I have learned so much about myself over the years, the full expression of that attraction has manifested into something spiritual for me..such as what I have with Redpepper where I am instinctually drawn to her energy from a place of self awareness and knowledge of how I work as a human being. She gets the best of who I have become :)

redpepper 09-08-2010 10:28 PM

Mono and I had a conversation last about attraction. We both agreed that a big confident smile and face as well as intelligence, or at least the desire to act intellegently was more attractive than anything else.

Nitty gritties for me revolve around values, ability to empathise, generosity and humour. I'm finding Monos easy going nature to be a draw too. I haven't ever been with someone like that. Usually overly emotional types. Which I love too.

I do have a body type I'm attracted to as well. Both men and women.

Really though, there is a rush of energy when I know I have found someone I connect with. I recognize it immediately. Whether I act on it depends on time and circumstance now though as I get that rush often. Its like falling in love a little. In the poly community it happens more often than not I have noticed and I love that I can enjoy depth without having to be sexual. Something I didn't find so easily in monogamous relationships. People seemed to scared of that energy and disengaged from it in their eyes as fast as they could or engaged in a dishonest way. Or at least I precieved it as such.

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