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-   -   10-Year Mono Going Poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36655)

PhoenixEgg 01-08-2013 12:54 AM

10-Year Mono Going Poly
Firstly, please forgive me if i've misused the title terms, i'm very new to this scene and have only read a little of these forums earlier.

Me: Hetero guy, dating bi female, both of us open to seeing other girls, no other guys allowed. At least until now.

I'm currently 25 and have been dating [We're not married, no kids] my highschool sweetheart since I was 15. We've been through just about every relationship problem in the book, but mostly come out on top. However, she has expressed that in the last few years [Read: 1-5, not sure how many] she's become less "Passionate" about me. According to my clarifying questions to her, this equates to a [Now] total loss of sexual attraction, and that loving affection that makes you miss a person, or really feel warm inside to be with them. She hastens to add that she still "loves" me, in the way that she greatly values our history, connection, ideals, and everything that a lifelong best friend would have [Sense of humour, likes/dislikes, etc].

There had been times when she tried to communicate this decline to me during the years, but I apparently didn't take them seriously, brushed them off, or flat ignored them. Let's be clear - I didn't do that intentionally. Recently, with the advent of her complete loss of passion for me, I feel like i've woken up from a dream - and into a nightmare.

I feel like I was asleep, and while sleeping just waved everything away, like when you have a bad dream and you wake up and you know it's not real, and that relieved feeling washes over you and your reality comes back, comforting you. It feels like that in reverse. Like I was lying to myself, my brain telling me that our problems weren't real, and that everything is fine - when it really wasn't. And it's not like consciously, if you'd asked me at the time, that I would have honestly said everything was fine - I knew there were problems - but it's almost as if their significant or scale was hidden from me somehow. I feel like a fool, and like i've sleepwalked through the best thing that ever happened to me, and now the situation is thus.

She's basically said to me, either we open the relationship and let her explore herself and what she wants [And i'm free to do the same], or we break up so she can do that. Note: To be clear, because as I said, i'm new to the terms, what I henceforth refer to as an "open" relationship means we are both together, an item, and there are no "secondaries" or whatnot, just outside sex - at least that's how it stands right now. It's not a suggestion, she's made up her mind that she's not happy and wants to try new things. I get that. I want her to be happy. The thing is, I don't know if i'm ready [Or even able] to have an open relationship. The more I think about it, the more exciting it seems, but just as I start to feel excited about the idea, the terrifying guilt and jealousy come flooding back in and make me want to die. Guilt that I let her feel this way, and get to this stage - and jealousy at the idea of someone else being with her in a way that only I ever have [We both took eachother's virginity - and i'm sure i'll get some comments about us needing to try other things here, and maybe that's true].

So there's the relationship situation, but here's the kicker. I live on the other side of the city [Due to work, and as a sort of self-imposed exile to reinvent myself, more on that later] - she recently bought her own place - and to help with the bills, she lives with another guy. This guy, when he first moved in [It was my idea] was dating a girl whom I thought would be around forever. It was a safe choice [The guy isn't "alpha" at all] and gave me peace of mind that she wouldn't be alone at night in a new house. Now he's broken up with his girlfriend, and is a typical lonely, horny guy - in a house with my BiSexual, horny, experimental girlfriend. I was exeedingly concerned that something would eventually happen between them, and thus far [To my knowledge] it hasn't. But with this new proposal, I know he will be her first target [Easy target, she's shy and already knows him well] - but he and I are friends! I don't know how that will change things. Either he tries to resist her to stay friends with a bro, or he gives in and who knows where we stand?

Due to this, when we discussed the possibility of going open, my first two "rules" were that it must always be "safe sex" outside of us two, and secondly, no messing with our close friends [All of whom are to my knowledge mono, although a couple are gay/bi]. She flat out refused this second condition, saying that she would definitely go for her housemate, no question. She has made it abundantly clear that she cares more for her feelings of self gratification and experimentation than she does for mine [Perhaps justifiably so], but what am I to do? My options are to essentially tell her to go for it, and see what my friend does [Possibly telling him not to, which just puts enormous pressure on him, unfairly] or we break up. I don't see any other options, and this is the girl I wanted by my side for life, but breaking up might be the more painless one?

I'm quite sure i've missed critical information here, and I didn't plan this post [Hence it's giant size], so if anyone actually took the time to read it all, please feel free to clarify points and give what advice you can.

learninginTN 02-20-2013 03:52 PM

Welcome to the forums! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There are some similarities to my situation, with some big differences. In my case, the wife and I had been married 13 years, had a couple of young childen, and had been involved in swinging for quite some time before we decided to open.

If you guys had a big investment in a marriage, and children, my perspective on this might be different. But as it stands now, I'd let her go. Sexual attraction is a fickle thing, and I'm sorry she seems to have lost that for you. I'd concentrate on being the best person I can be. I'd get a life by pursuing hobbies, working out, learning new skills, and being the best person I could possibly be. I'd contact her very little, and I'd not intrude in her life at all and just let her do what she pleases. I'd even start pursuing some dates. Who knows - she might begin to see what she is missing and come back. Even if not, you'll be a better person and you'll be a better partner in the future to some lucky lady.

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