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-   -   Help! In a right pickle. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3662)

sage 09-06-2010 05:43 PM

Help! In a right pickle.
 
Your thoughts and some empathy would be much appreciated.

The Unicorn has run rampant!

The other night she had her second sleepover. I said I would go upstairs to sleep after the action because I have to get up early and don't sleep well with three in the bed. Z said no, we should take turns and he would take the first time to give us an opportunity for some girly bonding.

I woke up in the middle of the night with her having gone upstairs, jumped into bed with him and well, she is not a very quiet unicorn at the best of times. She didn't bother coming back
so I just left them in their bed and went to work as usual. Yeah I was kinda hurt but the real whammy of the whole thing is that they didn't use any bloody protection!!!

She has text me since and doesn't seem the least perturbed, although she was sorry I didn't say goodbye before leaving for work.

This is my dilemma: I just want out of this relationship. I was bi-curious and I liked the idea of us both having the same girlfriend. I don't know if being 'open' to the idea of bi can develop with the right person but she is far too sexual for me and the whole experience, combined with the dumb, thoughtless behavior has turned me right off the whole experience.

Perhaps unfortunately, she is also a lovely, lovely person who has had a lot of sadness in her life and I don't want to cause her undue pain. She has gone and told her friends and family that she is in a "relationship" and is totally smitten with the whole idea.

I was hoping to get out of this with an email saying it's all my fault for thinking I could be bi-sexual when I obviously can't. But I am feeling like I should educate her in the etiquette of sleeping with someone else's partner, if not for my sake for the general sexual health of the community at large. I know it was also Z's fault but she did jump him in his sleep and he does find it hard to engage his brain under those circumstances.

Ariakas 09-06-2010 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 43200)
This is my dilemma: I just want out of this relationship. I was bi-curious and I liked the idea of us both having the same girlfriend. I don't know if being 'open' to the idea of bi can develop with the right person but she is far too sexual for me and the whole experience, combined with the dumb, thoughtless behavior has turned me right off the whole experience.

Not everyone in a triad will get along equally. Just a fact really. Unfortunate though.

Quote:

Perhaps unfortunately, she is also a lovely, lovely person who has had a lot of sadness in her life and I don't want to cause her undue pain. She has gone and told her friends and family that she is in a "relationship" and is totally smitten with the whole idea.
You shouldn't continue to suffer to stop someone else from having pain :)...thats unfair to yourself imo.


Quote:

I was hoping to get out of this with an email saying it's all my fault for thinking I could be bi-sexual when I obviously can't. But I am feeling like I should educate her in the etiquette of sleeping with someone else's partner, if not for my sake for the general sexual health of the community at large. I know it was also Z's fault but she did jump him in his sleep and he does find it hard to engage his brain under those circumstances.
Email breakup is lame....

I didn't know there was Etiquette for sleeping with other partners...

How old is he? Condoms are a must. Regardless of the when and where etc, if they aren't fluid bonded they should use condoms. Period. Even when my mini-me is ready to go, I still have enough blood left in my brain to remember a condom.

Good luck with your decision.

Could it be the NRE just be wearing off and normal life is about to start?

gwendolenthefair 09-06-2010 06:44 PM

Please, please don't end it in an email. I got dumped via email three months ago by my secondary partner after two and a half years with him. It's cowardly as hell, insensitive, and cruel. Just meet her in a public place (so she can't make too big a scene), gently tell her the romantic/sexual relationship is not working for the two of you, and offer your continued friendship. Also, hope to hell she isn't knocked up and that she hasn't given your partner an STD. You will want to :rolleyes:use condoms with him now until you have his next STD test results. Remember that some STDs have an incubation period. If she is barebacking with your guy, she's probably doing it with others too, so make sure he gets checked out thoroughly.

I personally think dating on your own is a much better way to find someone who is truly right for you. The odds of one person being compatible with both of you are extremely low. Anyway, if you aren't sure you're bi, why not just date men? Why force yourself into sexual/romantic behavior that doesn't really ring your bell?

sage 09-06-2010 06:48 PM

Thanks for your reply, I always respect your advice.

Why are email breakups so lame?
What's the alternative? I can't see her for some time.

I'm in a mess over all this and I can't really speak to her on the phone because I keep bursting into tears over it and can hardly speak. Do I start a text conversation over the reasons for my upset? Already she is trying to work out what the matter is and I'm fobbing her off by telling her I feel like crap but getting into it all with her seems like it will just add to my angst.

Ariakas 09-06-2010 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 43208)
Why are email breakups so lame?
What's the alternative? I can't see her for some time.

I just find email breakups to be a bit of a cop out. Just my thing. Phone call would be minimum.

Quote:

I'm in a mess over all this and I can't really speak to her on the phone because I keep bursting into tears over it and can hardly speak. Do I start a text conversation over the reasons for my upset? Already she is trying to work out what the matter is and I'm fobbing her off by telling her I feel like crap but getting into it all with her seems like it will just add to my angst.
Well...if you aren't going to see her for a bit, why not give yourself time to settle down and then do a phone call. :)

Anyways, thats really just my thing, I would be badly offended if someone broke up with me via email. I wouldn't do it to someone else either :)

Sorry things are falling apart. Relationships ending always suck...

NeonKaos 09-06-2010 07:43 PM

No one is allowed to express an opinion on this unless they know all the private thoughts and hidden motivations of every party involved. To do so would be "judgment based on nothing".

sage 09-06-2010 09:02 PM

What?

Surely if that was the rule we wouldn't have a forum?

redpepper 09-07-2010 06:18 AM

sooooo... I'm a little surprised that the condom issue is not the main stage here. She broke a very big rule I would think. At least in our triad that is the only rule... none negotiable and really, a deal breaker in most cases. Onward to testing I should think no? In a few weeks you will need to be tested and he should be using a condom with you until then at the very minimum no?

As for breakups.... if you aren't going to see her then a phone call telling her that you have had second thoughts and this is the only way to let her know would be appropriate I think.

Too bad. It seems the unicorn fantasy comes crashing down again. Damned reality! :mad:

good luck sage. hope you are both healthy now.

sage 09-07-2010 07:00 AM

HI RP

Thanks for that. Yes I know the condom issue should be main stage but I can't help feeling a bit of a fraud using it because even if she hadn't done what she did I still wouldn't want to continue.

I guess i just had to try the unicorn thing because if it worked it would have ticked all our boxes. Obviously that is why a true unicorn is a mythical creature, finding one is hard enough but finding one that actually fits with the two of you well, almost impossible.

redpepper 09-07-2010 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 43263)
a true unicorn is a mythical creature, finding one is hard enough but finding one that actually fits with the two of you well, almost impossible.

I would say almost impossible for the long haul. Casually, ya, seems to work. Beyond that, extremely rare.


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