Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   My Fears (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36476)

GSAS082612 01-06-2013 01:17 AM

My Fears
So, as I have written in here previously, I have stated I am in a polyfidelitous triad with a female, Samantha (21, married to my male partner with a 2 yr. old daughter, new son on the way, is 30 weeks pregnant: Due March 22, 2013.) and a male, Glenn (34, married to my female partner, Divorced from his ex of 9 yrs. Shares 4 kids with her, ages 4-12 and is has a daughter with his now wife and a son on the way.) And I am 18, not married nor do I have kids. I although should include my past history to further explain my relationship to a decent level of understanding.

My female partner and I met when I was 14 and still in my freshman year of high school, she was in her senior year. She and I had a very off-on friendship during the course of the past 3 years. I have although always carried a liking towards her and did love her. I always have. Well, she got involved with Glenn a few months before she graduated, moved in with him, got pregnant and had their daughter Jocelynn a little before being together a year.

At that point, Glennís divorce papers with his wife were in its final stages, and they were engaged prepping to wed. Their affairs, I know very little about. Glenn had made the mistake of sleeping with his ex wife within the allotted year they were together at that point. After Sam had found out, which was on Fatherís day, the first one with the newborn daughter they shared, the light in Samís eyes dimmed the love was tainted and she forgave him without meaning it, and moved on to resent him for what he did.
Their love was trashed; Sam did not seek revenge on Glenn at all within the pre-planning stages of their marriage. And she continued to wed Glenn 4 months after finding out of his cheating. The anger continued to build within her and she felt the need to get even and after being married less than 4 months, on Valentineís Day this past year, Sam cheated on her husband with a co-worker of theirs, and did not tell him of her infidelity at all. But she didnít feel that did justice, she cheated on Glenn again with her ex boyfriend, Ricky, and continued to pursue a relationship despite Samís marriage; they held hands and kissed and planned a future together despite the man she had at home. Well Glenn found out and it essentially killed him. He never knew the woman he loved could mutilate his heart like that.

Now, on to me, Sam and I were on very rocky terms before and a time after she got married up until January of 2012. We started talking again after I went to help her pack for the new place she and Glenn were moving to. Well, before all of this happened, I got involved with a man with a tricky past, Derek, he was 18 at the time with a 1 year old son, Christopher. I got involved with him and 5 days after getting together I made the mistake of cheating on him with my best guy friend. This was planned and knew exactly the cost of what would happen. We werenít protected for half of the sex, and he then went to use protection. Well, long story short, we had sex, and him, Sam and I essentially made out together in the apartment, on Valentineís day (yes, the day she cheated on Glenn with her co-worker, Tim) that was still in Samís name for the rest of the February month. And well, things were very iffy between all of us and I was still involved with my boyfriend Derek. About 3 weeks after Derek and I had sex, I found out I was pregnant, I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I wasnít pregnant with Derekís baby, but Nathanís. I told Derek I was pregnant in early April and Iíd known for about a month. At that point in time, I was 12 weeks pregnant. I was determined to keep the baby but tried to hide it from my boyfriend because of the fact that, he could leave me alone, to raise a child. I was selfish and didnít want that especially because the father, a: didnít know and b: was going into the Air Force. I didnít want to put that on him and didnít think it would be a good idea at all to distract him like that. We talked and wrote letters while he was gone and I wrote a dozen letters telling him about the baby about it being his and apologizing, but I never could send them. I didnít expect him to WANT to be there, nor did I think he would be involved.

I was dead set on having the baby having Derekís last name, Derek be daddy, the end. But I slipped it to Sam when Derek was around that the babyís father wouldnít be around, it confused him and in June I confessed it was Nathanís. He knew Nathan and I had sex so it wasnít ďNewĒ news to him but it then made sense to him, he never calculated the weeks really up until then and had his suspicions but never admitted to it. In late June, Early July, Derek and I were on the rocks and were given no choice but to tell Nathan. I told Nathan and he flipped, he lost his mind frankly didnít want to believe it, not that I blame him. I had at that point found out I was having a girl and wanted to name her Scarlet Chelsea. 3 weeks later, I suffered a miscarriage.

That resulted in me moving in with Sam and Glenn. Derek and I were in the worst parts of our relationship. He was physically, mentally and verbally abusive and controlling. My feelings for Sam were never rushed or forced but with how Derek was he made it impossible to NOT want to have Sam. Although I never intended to cheat on Derek, I did though for them. There was a three some that led to something else. And the next day they asked me to ďmarry themĒ. I was pretty much like ďokayĒ I mean, I wanted it but didnít trust it would last especially because I didnít have any feelings for Glenn besides that he was sexy and good in bed.

My love for Sam though grew. And it has since. But she got jealous when she realized our love for one another was developing quicker than before. It wasnít until a month after we had been in the poly-fi relationship, I had officially broken up with Derek and made it clear that I wanted to stay with them that Glenn told me he loved me. And I do. Being girls it is a natural thing to have our emotions toy with us and get a very jealous, envious emotion when the man they love is with another woman without them. My love for Sam though, was strained because she is pregnant and she started showing more which was hard to deal with. Because I did love my daughter and wanted her, It wasnít until Late October that Glenn realized what the deep rooted problem was and I just couldnít take it. It felt like I was pushing myself and sometimes I tried but it was too much. I couldnít handle it at points and it brought me to tears.

When I lost Scarlet, I didnít know how to deal and I didnít know how to talk about it. So, I turned to a recovering website, my major issues were hidden by small drinking binges, lashing out and cutting. And I am just barely starting to cope, which was why Glenn and I did agree to try for a baby. I am not pregnant and we have stopped trying with the new issue. I just now have a new issue. The way I lost Scarlet is how I feel I could lose Glenn and Sam. With Samís mistake, it kills me to know our love could be at its end because of a mistake pre-me. We all had a talk last night and have tried to see what we can do. Glenn has said that he doesnít want me to hurt or be hurt because he loves me. He is a very selfish man when it comes to us, but he isnít selfish if that makes sense? I donít know. He loves and wants what is best for me but doesnít want to lose me. And he knows that if he decides to stay the time Sam and Glenn will need to work, will be skewed compared to my time with Glenn or Sam. We will need that individual time and couple time and triad time to grow but with Glenn and Sam trying to work at their relationship to fix what they have will interrupt a lot of things and make it nearly impossible.

And even at this point Glenn isnít sure if he is staying or leaving. I told him I will stick by him and he wasnít so sure of that up until I text him yesterday a heartfelt message: ďRemember at one point, i was telling you everything your telling me now "Iím sorry I'm such a mess" "I can't think" "Iím sorry your getting the bad end of my emotions" "I donít know how bad Iím going to be" "I donít know if you can handle it" "you could change your mind after all you see" "this isnít what you bargained for" "you deserve better" and you always said the one thing I didnít trust but now I do, "I love you" itís my turn, no matter how badly u push me off, I will stand tall and be there for you, Iíll have my moments like you did but I know Iíll only rise up stronger, because u have shown me I am. And I can be that person for u. Iíll help u stand when u cant. I love youĒ

I want to be there for them both because they were there for me during the hardest parts of my life, and Glenn especially because he took more of the beatings of me and my problems despite him not having to. I am not perfect and nor are they but they did stand by me. I donít know. I am such a mess. I love them and I want to be with them. I am scared I am losing the loves of my life. I say I can be here. And I want to and want them to work but I am nowhere near as strong as I pretend to be. I say I will be ok without them but I am not so sure. I will be.

I am scared. Do I voice how I feel or let them think I am strong? And if they leave what do I do then? I am not here just because I have nowhere else to go. I donít have a backup plan. I am here because I intended for this to work and hope it will but I am scared. At this point, ANY advice will be helpful. Thanks.

GalaGirl 01-06-2013 01:48 AM


You have been through a lot. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for your loss too -- miscarriage is hard.

But tell them the truth. Do not do lies of omission. Do not leave your partners in the dark. Do not be less than honest to your loved ones. If they do not meet your needs at this time, walk away. You deserve good treatment, not poor treatment.

All relationships come with a clock attached. We just hope that most are "til death do us part." Whether it is friends, family, romances, etc. In reality -- sometimes they end or tone down in volume because of school or work transfers or growing apart or something else. It is not the end of the world and some relationships pick back up later down the road. Some do not, but some do.

Being afraid of that reality is not helping you be your best, healthiest self you could be. You could take better care of you.

In romance, there is no "right one" out there for you. There are MANY right ones. They don't all come at the right time, and they don't all last a life time. Life is a Journey that unfolds as you live it. You will be ok in your journey.

Do not stay in "messy" though because you have nowhere else to go and it is habit and you are scared. You deny yourself your own future happiness from your own fear. Feel the fear, but then move it forward anyway to give yourself HOPE and reach out toward your future happiness.

Is this "nowhere else to go at all" or "nowhere I am willing to go." Where are your parents/family people? Could they aid you? Can you check in to a women's shelter and sign up for counseling to help you get back on your feet? Could you call your old school guidance counselor for guidance toward resources in your town? Maybe other people can help you brainstorm here what you could do.

You are not the first person to need help, and you will not be the last. There is no shame in that. But it would be a shame if you did not take care of you. You don't sound like a bad person -- just struggling under heavy burden.

Remember that you have worth, dignity, and value even in hard times. Be kind to yourself and try to get yourself the aid you need so you can let yourself shine bright again. It may seem like you are lost and alone in the dark. It feels that way when your inner light is dim.

But I see you.
I see you.
I see you.

Your light is not unseen.


GSAS082612 01-06-2013 02:18 AM

Its not that I am even here because I have nowhere else to go. The thing is that even with my family pushing me off, I could beg them to take me back. So, it's not that I don't have anywhere else to go, so I am staying. No. I am staying because I do love them and I am here for them the way they were here for me. They have a troubled past as do I. Their's is just a little more chronic than mine. So, I understand what you mean but I have had my moments where I have straight up said "I am leaving", with no reason. With no logical reason besides I want to. I mean I know what I am saying is bad about them, but realistically they aren't bad people. They are good people, they took me in without intentions of this relationship, when my parents kicked me out. They clothed me, sheltered me, comforted me, catered me and pretty much did the things they did not have to. I am not justifying their wrongs but no one is perfect. However, I am still terrified of losing them because I love them with every fibre of my being.

GalaGirl 01-06-2013 07:35 AM

You are not going to lose them, even if you find you have outgrown the romance. You can all still be friends.


I have had my moments where I have straight up said "I am leaving", with no reason. With no logical reason besides I want to.

Wanting to leave is a perfectly good reason to leave.
Relationships come for a "reason" or "a season." The relationships who have a "the season of a lifetime" are rare. You are not bad to have reached the end of the season in a relationship. If the season is over for you (it sounds like it is), then be ok with it having run as long as it has.

Coming to terms with that can be hard. I remember my first big break up with a significant BF. I was no longer getting needs met there because my needs had changed. Did not make him a bad person. Did not make me a bad person. Time had just gone by and things changed and we had grown apart. What he wanted for himself in his life was not a match to what I wanted for myself in mine.

It would be like a traveling person trying to be with a homebody. Or a pet lover trying to be with an allergy person who cannot deal in pets. It doesn't make the people BAD to have things just not match up any more and for one of them to acknowledge that the season has ended.


I know what I am saying is bad about them, but realistically they aren't bad people. They are good people, they took me in without intentions of this relationship, when my parents kicked me out. They clothed me, sheltered me, comforted me, catered me and pretty much did the things they did not have to. I am not justifying their wrongs but no one is perfect.
Yes, and that was kind of them to do. But that does not make you beholden to them forever, and you can STILL BE THERE for them just as much as a good friend or even a roomie.

How you share yourself as a lover, as a romantic partner is another thing -- you are not obligated to be someone's romantic partner just because they clothe, shelter, or comfort you!


However, I am still terrified of losing them because I love them with every fibre of my being.
I love my exes to this day. They are not lost to me -- I'm not super tight with them like I once was, but I know I can ping them with big news if I need to. Like the birth of my kid, or my dad's illness. But "A Love of your Life" can stay a love of your life without them being "The Current, Active Love(s) of My Life." I did not die. My life went on. So did my exes lives. The shape of the relationships changed, but they are not lost to me. You will not die if the relationship shape changes to friendship and your people will not be lost to you.

From your posts you sound tired of the arguing and fussing in the triad. You also sound like you would be willing to stay in romantic relationship if they could get that under control.

Are they getting that under control? Doesn't sound like it. :(

It is sad, and you might wish for different. But don't throw yourself and your best health under the bus. You sound like you've been here a good long while and have really given it your all. But you giving it your 100% effort is only 1/3 of what a triad needs. You cannot carry the triad alone if your triad partners are not pulling weight.
  • You may wish for different, but reality is 33.33% is not 100% effort in triad.
  • They may wish for different, but reality of their actions show otherwise -- they cannot deliver the missing 33.33% (him) and missing 33.33% (her.)

This is not the right relationship shape for this cast of players. Perhaps a friendship shape would work better.

Are you worried about your dating history? Like you "cannot be a good partner" somehow with Nathan or Derek and now Glenn and Sam? Could that be part of the hesitation to leave even though you want to?

You are loveable even if "the season" for those relationships were as long as what they were. That doesn't mean YOU are unloveable. There's some bad judgement calls made there... but that's how we all learn sometimes. Bad judgement leads to bad experiences, and learning from that leads to better judgement which leads to better experiences. Forgive yourself for being a young adult. Part of the young adult late teens/early 20s time IS to collect experiences to use for yardsticks in later life. Nobody is perfect. What matters is how you use your yardsticks to guide yourself in your life moving forward.

You could welcome opportunity to make brand new choices for your adult self going forward then. You are not your past, and you are not your bad experiences. You deserve happiness! Reach out toward it! You have worth, dignity, and value! :)

How would you like your healths to best be today? Tomorrow? You could consider listing everything, every little thing great or small. Get the lay of the land in your inner landscape there for your best health picture:
  • Mental Health = I would like to be or have____? (Free of stress? Anxiety?)
  • Emotional Health = I would like to be or have____? (Free of worry about losing them? Breaking up scenes? Verbal arguments?)
  • Physical Health = I would like to be or have____? (Free of STD risks? Unplanned pregnancy risk? Better sleep?)
  • Spiritual Health = I would like to be or have____? (At peace in your soul? Feeling joy in living -- joie de vivre? Stable and not shaken up or lost inside?)

Just ID what those things could be. Then rest.

Later you can look at your list and prune it down -- see what is reasonable, what is realistic. Then how to organize so you can get the aid to get these things for yourself. You are responsible for taking care of you.

If your parents will take you back as an adult child back home as an adult roomate person contributing to the household, could consider that and what that entails as you assess your options. I'm not saying "just go home!" I am saying -- breathe. Put that as a heading on your list. Then "pros & cons" it and consider that taking that option would entail. Like...
  • What was the reason for them kicking you out? Can that be mended? Or are you safer staying away if the home life was volatile?
  • Do they live in a good environment where you could find good work? Or out too far away in a rural space and you'd be stuck for transport to a job?
  • Is the rent you will pay them affordable? Or will you be exchanging chores/work for your room and board instead? What is expect of you? Can you deliver taht? How will you be contributing as an adult member of the household there?

Is your current job enough to live on? Do you need to apply for new work that pays better? Are you seeking continued adult education? Practical things like that.

Again, you wouldn't be the first, and wouldn't be the last person on Earth to need help. You will be ok. I have faith in you that you can choose good things for yourself in your young adult life. YOU have faith in you too! You can do this! :)

But you have to actually get around to choosing the things in your life for yourself. It won't come by magic. You have to actually reach out toward your next future happiness and meet it halfway.

Hang in there.


kdt26417 01-07-2013 11:31 PM

Hi GSAS082612,

There is a lot of back-and-forth going on in the past, so I would suggest focusing on the present. How are you being treated by Glenn and Sam *right now?* Do they speak to you honestly and considerately? Are the conditions of living with them fair? Are the conditions of the relationship fair? Do they stick to their word? Do they honor you?

You can express thanks for someone helping you without binding yourself to a relationship that is making you unhappy. Overall, are you mostly happy in this relationship with Glenn and Sam, or is it making you mostly unhappy? Are Glenn and Sam happy with the way things are? Is their drama stressing you out?

I don't necessarily advocate leaving this relationship; it is a 50/50 call, and you have to make the call, as it is your life and welfare that's at stake. And additionally, you know better than anyone else what the situation is and what effect it's having on you. But I think GalaGirl has made excellent posts here, and I'd think about all she's said.

Make sure you take care of you, especially if Glenn and Sam are too caught up in their own drama to be of help to you. Are your wants and needs being addressed in this situation? These are things to think about.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, try to encourage all three of you to get better at communicating with each other, and at working together as a team. If things are intolerable right now, try to think of a reasonable time frame for enduring that, and tell Glenn and Sam you'll have to leave at the end of that time frame if things haven't improved.

Let the past be put in the past; forgive and forget. Focus on how things are going in the present, and on how they are likely to go in the future. Try to take a step out of your emotional self, and view the situation with logic as if you were an outsider. If you had a friend who was in your situation, and they asked you what to do, what would you tell them?

I hope things get better.
Kevin T.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:45 PM.