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-   -   Our introduction - looking for knowledge (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36400)

SnC 01-05-2013 02:10 AM

Our introduction - looking for knowledge
Hello! So here's our intro....

We are a very happily married couple of more than ten years. Prior to meeting my amazing wife, I was briefly in a poly-triad. It ended for a few reasons, none drama bearing, and it was all mature and handled well. At the time, I did quite a bit of reading with the then-available (read; alt newsgroups) resources, and felt I did an ok job educating myself. But, it's been a long time. My wife and I have always been 100000% honest and _truly_ open with each other about everything, so she of course knew full well about the poly triad I had been in. She didn't like it, and maintained that the lady in question was breaking her vows with her husband, despite all three of us being completely honest and on the same page with everything. In no sense was I trying to convince my wife to get into polyamory; just educate her about my past.

Fast forward to about 5 years ago now; we got into swinging. It's been a very enjoyable time for us. I can fill in more details about how we crossed over that bridge if people are curious; trying to keep this not so wordy :)

We've always felt it would be a good thing for us to have a (male) long term play partner for my wonderful wife. This seems like an ideal situation for us. We've tried for a long time now to find such a swing partner, with some minor successes but not achieving our goal. A bit frustrating.

Fast forwarding again...and without going into details, we find ourselves considering the possibility of a poly relationship with a man whom my wife has begun having feelings for. He is comfortable with the idea of poly. There's much to learn and discuss yet, and we're approaching it as mature, caring adults.

We've hit a bit of a bump in the road though (externally sourced). When we got into swinging we talked for months about it, educated ourselves, and only after we felt we'd comfortably answered everything we could think of did we dip our toes in the pool. We're both very glad we did. But, in this case we've kind of gone about it backwards. Hitting the bump in the road made us realize that we hadn't spent a lot of time in discussion, researching, questioning, etc. So, here we are...

Magdlyn 01-05-2013 06:59 PM

Hi. First of all, are you male? Or female? Females can have wives these days... Why does your wife need a(nother) male in her life?

2nd, your wife is her own person. I am a bit uncomfortable with your use of "we."

Are you aware being poly does not mean having 3way sex? Being poly means loving more than one. So, your wife is falling for a guy... And you want to have 3 way sex with him? Or what? Can your wife pursue a relationship with new guy without your "help," or not? Or do you both insist on "only playing together" as so many poly noobs do?

SchrodingersCat 01-05-2013 08:02 PM

SnC: I think we need more information about this "bump." What's the problem? What led up to it? Is it "your" problem or "hers?" i.e. Are you experiencing jealousy? Is she feeling like she's breaking her marriage vows? Or...?

Mag: I'm confused by your response. He doesn't say anything about 3-way sex, nor does he say she "needs" a(nother) man in her life... I'm also not entirely sure it's relevant whether they're a homo or heterosexual couple.

I'm sure his wife "can" pursue relationships without his help... but helping one another is what functional married people do. He has more experience with poly, and she has none, so it's natural that she would look to her spouse for guidance.

I do agree that posting as "we," and "us" finding a partner for "her," is confusing. If your wife needs help navigating these waters, I encourage her to create her own account and share her questions. This forum is anonymous and it can be really helpful to talk things out with objective strangers.

SnC 01-06-2013 03:51 AM

Hooboy. Ok, I didn't come here to be on the defensive.

My wife and I are extremely close. We are "we", and she is a million times happy with that. It doesn't make her less of her own person. I don't control her, nor she me. We are completely honest and open with each other in every respect, madly in love with each other, utterly devoted to each other, and adore making each other happy. Neither of us is even the slightest bit uncomfortable with the use of 'we' to describe each other in our relationship.

As for being poly not meaning having threesomes; I respectfully beg to differ. We refuse to be constrained by labels. If my wife and I choose to have emotional relationships with other people, and those people are comfortable with sharing physical intimacy with one of us and the other being there as well, a label doesn't preclude that.

My wife and I are a team. We do things on our own, but we're always a team. We share things, discuss things, help each other as much as we can, revel in each other's successes and comfort each other in our failings. If either of us is to develop an emotional relationship with someone else, then 'we' need to both be comfortable with that or it is a non-starter. It's not about control, or anything the like. Free? Absolutely. We've both made the free choice to actively walk together in whatever we do, and that includes potentially moving towards having emotional relationships with people other than each other.

We're not looking for advice about the 'bump' we've hit in the road. I didn't mean to suggest we were. The 'bump' made us realize that we need to better equip ourselves for being poly if we're going to do that. We equipped ourselves very well before we got into swinging. We've gone about it backwards with poly, and we're here to correct that; to educate ourselves and gain a better understanding.

As for any 'needs'; there isn't a need. My wife and I have discussed what we think we would like our relationship(s) to be, and over time we've become more and more comfortable with the idea of being in a poly triad.

As for my wife creating an account; she doesn't want to. As we've always done, she's always in the loop and prefers that I do the typing.

nycindie 01-06-2013 05:52 AM

No one was really putting you on the defensive. Frequently, new members post an intro and older members will ask for clarification, such as genders, orientation, the why's and wherefore's of certain things posted, and other specifics, just so we can have a better picture of who you are - it doesn't mean necessarily that anyone was judging, but that there was something either unclear of confusing. Details help us offer better feedback for your situation. That's all.

Additionally, the "we" issue mentioned was not a question about your relationship and your solidarity with your partner - it was more a practical thing regarding posting on the forum. Just know that it gets super confusing for readers to understand who is doing the "talking" when people come here and use "we," or do not identify who is who. It is generally not good etiquette here to create one account to represent a couple or more than one person. That is why someone usually brings it up. If your wife has no interest in joining and posting herself, please just make sure you speak in your voice and let us know specifically when it is a communication from her or from both of you. It just helps to make things clear that way.

This is from the User Guidelines:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 16420)
We expect that each account represent but a single person. We understand that couples may wish to embark on a poly journey as a unit and thus want to share an account. That can make for some awkward discussions as the person posting under a username changes from post to post. We have some accounts that have been used by a couple--and those folks may continue to use those accounts as long as they make it clear which person is posting--though we want all accounts to be used by a single person.


SnC 01-06-2013 05:08 PM

I'll restate what I said above; "As for my wife creating an account; she doesn't want to. As we've always done, she's always in the loop and prefers that I do the typing. " She will never log in here.

My wife and I are both rather incensed at the approach here. We didn't come here to offend, create a situation where we're on the defensive, have bureaucracy thrown at us, or have to justify that we are together. We came here looking for knowledge, and now with an innocent posting a bee's nest has apparently been poked with vigor.

And yes, people were putting us on the defensive. With the very first response to this, I had to defend that my wife is in fact her own person, and defend that we are not uncomfortable in addressing ourselves as 'we". I didn't mention anything at all about having threesomes, but then have to defend on that. Now we're finding we have to defend why we will only ever have one account; a point which was already explained but we nevertheless have to defend it anyway.

Is this the norm for this forum? Treat people like "noobs", put them on the defensive, pretty much force them to explain themselves, and quote guidelines at them?

"Welcome" indeed.

kdt26417 01-06-2013 09:11 PM

Hi SnC,

No, it's not the norm for this forum for newcomers to be put on the spot. That said, it can be a, well, vigorous forum at times, and it's hard to predict where/when that will happen. If you stay with the forum, you'll find that it's usually pretty easy-going.

It sounds like your wife has traveled quite a journey to get to where she is now, compared to the beginning where she "maintained that the lady in question was breaking her vows with her husband, despite all three of us being completely honest and on the same page with everything." It's encouraging that she has opened her mind in that way.

There is a lot of valuable material on this site, and a lot of good opportunities to dialog with other members and get feedback. I would encourage you to take advantage of that, even though I'd understand/respect your decision if you decided not to. You can even message me privately if you're uncomfortable interacting with the group.

With regards,
Kevin T.

SnC 01-06-2013 09:40 PM

Thank you! :)

kdt26417 01-06-2013 09:44 PM

No prob.

nycindie 01-07-2013 01:04 AM


Originally Posted by SnC (Post 176196)
Is this the norm for this forum? Treat people like "noobs", put them on the defensive, pretty much force them to explain themselves, and quote guidelines at them?

"Welcome" indeed.

Ummm... nobody forced you to explain anything - this is an internet message board and we are all anonymous, so how could you be forced into anything when it is your choice to post or not? People asking questions is forcing you to defend and explain yourself? You don't have to explain a darn thing if you don't want to. :confused:

AND my quoting the guidelines was a courtesy I extended to you, so that you would know how this forum is run. Why wouldn't you want to know the guidelines, anyway? I was simply sharing information to help you understand why some other folks may have responded in the way they did. I was being nice by doing that.

And I was quite sincere when I welcomed you. But fuck that! Sheesh.

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