Am I Depressed?
So I'll take the advice of Mono and Redpepper and try to vent out my feelings here. I even put down my PSP and got on a computer so I could actually type without a character count limit. soooo.....
I guess I have to give background info first
Ok so this is the situation, I'm originally from Memphis Tennessee, lived there all my life. I have suffered with self esteem issues and borderline depression all my life mostly thanks to my mom making a note to tell me everyday that "You ain't shit" or "You ain't worth a quarter" or "You'll never be shit in life" ect ect and things of that nature. Somewhere along the lines, I guess I started believing her. Even though I have a lot of friends who care about me, I always feel alone...
But I learned to cover it up, emotional weakness is not a luxury I can afford, I grew up in the "hood". So I became a master at suppressing my emotions.
ok so that was the appetizer, here's the main course.
in November of 2009, one week before thanksgiving my mom finally kicked me out *yayyy* and I was fortunate enough to have a friend who let me move in that same night. Everything was fine, I still had my boyfriend at the time, I had 3 secondaries and a few LDRs that were mostly just flirtatious. Well in December one morning on my way to work there was black ice all over the interstate and all the cars just started sliding and crashing, including mine. Luckily I walked away with just a scar on my forehead that may be permanent. But I'm still alive so that's good... right? Then in January my friend had a family crisis and the room I was staying in was needed to house his dad, so I was given a month to move out. I called my brother here in Germany and after hearing about all of the things I was going through, he decided to send me a plane ticket so I wouldn't be homeless. So now I'm here in Germany, before leaving I had agreed to break up with all of my men, so I'm here single... alone. I started working and have made good friends with all of my coworkers, I smile everyday, crack jokes, and do my best to keep everybody in high spirits. But inside I just want to cry, I've been bottling up these emotions for so long... I'm just tired. The problem is I can't let it show, I've become the support structure for all of my friends, they all come to me with their problems and I have to come up with the solutions for everybody, they rely on me to make it better for them, and I'm actually really good at solving their problems, however all of mine go unresolved. Because everyone expects me to have it all together, and always have a plan B C and D (which I usually do) I feel like I'm not allowed to show that sometimes, I just don't know what to do! Even today after messaging a friend on facebook and he telling me about all of the things going on in his life, it kinda stung when he said "You're more together than I am at the moment" because I'm really not, but that's how everyone has come to see me -_-
I feel I have NO ONE to talk to about this, I can't really lean on my coworkers with all the things going on, and I can't talk to my friends back home because of their expectation of me, they somehow don't take my emotional issues seriously. I called my best friend the other day and tried to talk to him about it, he suddenly had to deal with things with his sister and had to go... I tried to call one of my closest female friends and talk, but she is going through alot right now too, and of course her problems took a precedence over mine during that conversation (like always)... I called my sister-in-law but she was too busy watching a movie to hear half the things I said... I'm in this alone... always have been... probably always will be.
I think I may be depressed, even though I try to hide it. I've been drinking alot more. I really don't like myself right now, don't see how anyone else can honestly... I've been having dreams of suicide, and not like conscious thoughts, when I go to sleep I see visions of me jumping in front of passing cars as I walk down the street, or drinking bottles of rubbing alcohol... I don't know what to do about it.... I'm always everyone else's therapist, maybe I need one myself.... *sigh* i dont know... but I have to get ready for work.... later.
I can identify with many aspects of your post. I've been slowly winning a war with the depression/anxiety monster for six years.
I too am the "together" one that friends come to for advice. They never even suspected. I could never talk to most of them about it, even now when I am so much better than I used to be.
Talking to your friends can be extremely disheartening. It takes a really special person (who has never experienced depression) to be able to listen without trying to fix, and to not run away from the scary thoughts you are no doubt thinking.
While friends and family may not understand, or want to understand, you are FAR from alone. Please go to your doctor ASAP. Get into group therapy. Talking about your feelings and every insecurity and horrible thought you have and realizing other people feel the same things is an immense relief. Get into individual therapy, because there will be more time to focus on the issues that are particularly troubling to you. I can definitely recommend interpersonal therapy, having suffered through my own mother issues. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) was not as helpful for me personally, but I know people for whom it has been a great success. There are other types too, but I won't get into them here.
I know there is a wide range of opinions regarding antidepressants in the world, but without the drugs, I wouldn't still be here. That's a fact. I have worked very hard at half a dozen types of therapy and continue to do so. (Not currently working with all of them; some were right at different times in my depression and don't apply now.) Medication is not the answer for everyone, but if it helps YOU, then TAKE IT. Short term, long term, whatever. Don't let anyone else's judgement deter you from helping YOURSELF.
When you most need the help is when you are least able to ask for it. You have done an amazing thing, putting yourself out here, exposing yourself to us. I have every faith you will receive the support you need and deserve.
Again, go to your doctor. You do deserve the care that can be offered, and don't you dare feel guilty for asking for it.
Incoming PM from me with more personal contact information.
I second TP. I've battled depression and anxiety my whole life. Some days, weeks, months are better than others. I to am the go to one for friends with problems, I hold the world together for everyone else. But when I bottle it all up for to long, I fall apart. You've got to talk to someone. Anyone. Get it all out. Then work on rebuilding you with healthy outlets for the emotions that build up.
It's hard to be there for everyone else b/c we tend to take on their problems as our own, add that to our own and we carry much more than our share of emotions.
You've got to find an outlet for that.
I'm also one who wouldn't be around if it weren't for meds. I'm off them now and readjusting to that, but if I hadn't had them, I'd be gone. Just something to consider. There's nothing saying you need them forever and ever.
First....let me get this out....I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I was almost in tears reading your post. Yeah, I can understand your pain....esp. when you have to bury it and pretend that everything is OK for so long....
And as to your upbringing....wow, yeah. Hearing a daily dose of that garbage can play with your mind. I know. I had a foster parent who, for whatever reason (I suspect to make herself feel better) did the same thing to us foster kids.
I would agree wholeheartedly with the posters above. PLEASE get some help. I'd venture to say you have been battling depression for some time, and the stresses of life (and you have had MORE than your fair share, my friend) are making things worse....and have got you to your breaking point...
I've been at war with atypical major depressive disorder for a large part of my life (was dx @ 19, suspect I had it since I was 15-16) so, yeah, it's not a picnic....please at least speak to a professional...if you can.
I have been there. I am sorry you are going through it. I have a revelation at one point that if I couldn't give over my problems, I was simply their wall to support them. That is not a friendship and is more detrimental than good
but you know, being strong is one side of strength, being able to relate and help each other, is much stronger. You may find some really strong people amongst your friends and you can help each other.
I understand. I am the wife of a cardiac patient - mother of 4 kids, and when my husband had 2 heart attacks last fall... (fuck the anniversary of the first one is coming up on Wed) I had to be strong. I couldn't show weakness. I had to be the rock. I had to be there for everyone else - and every time I tried to tell people what I was going through and what I needed... I was met with "but he survived, you should be grateful for that"
Being that strong for so long makes you brittle. Eventually you'll break without an outlet.
Drugs, therapy, exercise, eating healthy and a year later I'm stronger and able to work through my issues *relatively* quickly.
I'm no longer on anti-depressants - they just kept me from killing myself when I couldn't handle everything.
Your feelings are valid. It is OK for you to be sad, depressed, upset, angry and frustrated. You have that right. As the "strong" one, we tend to think that we CAN'T talk to anyone - that we HAVE to keep it inside.
I've learned that if I don't - the breaking point comes... but if I do, I can bend and sway and come out of what's going on much stronger.
sometimes life just hits you all at once. There's only so much stress your body can deal with all day every day before something has to give. I'm glad that you're recognizing that you need someone to talk to, someone you can lean on. Try being honest with your friends. Tell them that you don't have everything all together and that you're just as messed up and confused as they are.
I'm currently coming off meds too. life ganged up on me last year and it took me a good long time to figure out what the issues were and to work through them. I never got to the point of thinking of suicide but I wasn't functioning AT ALL. I didn't go and seek help for me, I did it because my kids needed their mom and I wasn't there for them.
You aren't alone. Depression is very common but it is treatable. Go and talk to someone about what the best course of action is in your case. The feeling of being alone even when surrounded by people resonates with me. I felt that way too, like I was looking at life from a distance, totally detached from it. I am healing and feeling like I have connections and enjoyment back in my life. I hope that the same can happen for you.
on PSP again
Thanx everyone for all the supportive comments. Today was a very long day, it started easy... then I just crashed, I couldn't talk to anyone, everyone annoyed me, all I could do was stay quiet to keep from cussing everybody out. Then an older coworker pulled me to the side and just talked to me, he didn't dig for information or anything, he just gave encouragin words and told me "not to let the devil tell [me] it's over." he said he wished he had the happiness he has now when he was my age (I'm 19 btw)...
It was nice... honestly I wish I had that happiness too. When I got home, tears just rolled down my face unprompted, they do that alot lately.
I just want to feel better...
I would lay in bed staring at the wall for hours. Not on purpose, but it just ... happened.
I do still have days where I stare at the wall. But they're a pleasing shade of green. In my house where I live with my fiancÚ. There's usually at least one cat or dog on the bed when this happens.
Bit by bit, things get better.
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