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candaules 09-02-2010 07:08 AM

Not sure if this is polyamory
First a little about my wife and me, we have been married over 5 years and dated two years prior. She is late ‘30s and I am just past 40, we have a small child. Both of us are full time professionals and work hard to balance the demands of work and life. Neither of us are Barbie and Ken. She is very beautiful white, fair skinned, blonde, blue eyes with a nice bust. She will complain about the baby weight she has, but I think she is a goddess. Myself I am showing middle age, balding, and overweight.

Given that we have a small child and the demands of work we have a pretty good sex life together and enjoy being able to have some time to enjoy ourselves. My only wish would be more frequency, but I am grateful for what we have. I have always felt that for me to enjoy sex my wife must enjoy herself as well and I enjoy being oral with her very much and seeing her climax. She in turn is very passionate in the bedroom and when she gets going can be quite intense.

The thought of her enjoying herself with another man (and he enjoying himself with her) arouses me a great deal. It has since even before we were married. For myself I will certainly notice women I feel attractive, but have no interest in having sex with anyone, but my wife. I have been doing a lot of reading online and offline to help me understand this. I also have read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, which I must recommend to anyone with an interest in this topic. I find that evolutionary biology to be a plausible explanation for this as well as female vs. male physiology. Women are built for sex with multiple males at a time or in short sequence. This is harder for us men who need time to “reload”. This makes it easier for a woman to have multiple males.

In many ways, this is an extension of me wanting to give her pleasure and fulfillment. I imagine my wife enjoying variety and the freedom to sample it. I enjoy the thought of her enjoying seeing a man she finds attractive naked, seeing how the sight of her arouses him. I enjoy the thought of her touching and exploring another man, perhaps someone who is fit and trim. I enjoy the idea of her getting pleasure from kissing and feeling his touch. Her seeing how he responds to her and her to him. I enjoy the thought of her feeling her body against his. Her feeling him push into her, the different feeling his penis in her. The new and different positions she gets to discover and enjoy. I enjoy the thought of her climaxing from him and then enjoying being in his arms afterward.

When I see my wife naked, I imagine other men enjoying her beauty. When I touch her and she touches me I imagine she and another man enjoying that. During sex I imagine her enjoying another man enjoying pushing his bare penis into her and her enjoying feeling him. I imagine him enjoying the view of her breasts moving with each thrust. He feels her great body against him, feeling himself going in deeper as she pushes her hands against the head of the bed. As I cum inside her, I imagine another man enjoying the sensation as he cums inside her. I enjoy the thought of another man helping her climax and he enjoying the sight, sound and feeling as she does.

I imagine a variety of scenarios where this might happen. Perhaps on a girls night out she meets someone, leaves with him at the end of the evening, enjoys some hot sex with him and comes home for hot sex with me and tells me all about her evening and her new “friend”. She does travel to another city a few hours away from us for business on a regular basis. I imagine her meeting a local guy there and inviting him to spend the night with her in her hotel room. I imagine her having a “boyfriend” who she dates and then comes home to enjoy being with me. Having a guy she is interested in over to our home for dinner, seeing her all made up and in a sexy dress. The three of us enjoying wine, food and good conversation all the while they are eying one another. After words I can see the either the two of them going into our bedroom alone, him leaving later thanking me for a wonderful evening telling me how lucky I am. I imagine a number of scenarios where I get sloppy seconds and taking pleasure in knowing she is enjoying herself.

She is well aware of my desire for her to enjoy other men. I have brought it up during sex and after, as well as outside of the bedroom. I feel secure in her love for me and our relationship and am not jealous of her flirting with other men, which she appreciates very much. When she goes out for girls nights she likes having other men chat her up, flirt and buy her drinks. I have enjoyed her flirting with other men when out with her, seeing her enjoy the attention of other men. While she comes home and tells me all about it, her friends whose husbands/boyfriends don’t trust them and/or get jealous envy her being able to share this with me. Before the baby, she would often go out in nice tight fitting and low cut tops, full make up, jeans and boots. Often if I was working late or out with my friends, she would go out with her friends for dinner and drinks. I really liked seeing her before and after and the idea of another man approaching her, flirting and perhaps enjoying her charm. I liked the idea of her enjoying a nice time with her friends, free drinks from guys, flirting and perhaps more. I also really enjoyed the sex after these evenings out and aforementioned imaginings of her enjoying another man.

When I bring up the topic, she laughs, thinks I am crazy/silly, and says it will not happen. I do notice her checking out other men who like the men she dated before me is quite diverse (I am white) including Latin, East Indian, African American and Middle Eastern men. When she goes out, I tell her to stay out a late, as she wants, have fun and enjoy the free drinks. I talk about her enjoying taking a lover and she says who would go for me and laughs it off. She feels that infidelity is very wrong and is dead set against it but at the same time talks about friends of hers who were not meant for monogamy. When we saw Brokeback Mountain, the disturbing part for her was the marital infidelity, not the gay men being lovers as much. She says she would never be with another man. I am slowly introducing the concept of sexual freedom for her while being married to me doesn’t have to hurt what we have. Like others, here in this forum I see it as an opportunity to enhance what we have. However, I am not going to push or force anything. I will continue to enjoy what we have while letting her know she can enjoy herself if she so chooses. I am going to make sure she understands I am ok with her getting to enjoy the best of being in a loving and secure marriage while embracing nature.

I am interested to hear from others suggestions on how to communicate that the door is open while not pressuring her.

PollyPocket 09-02-2010 11:06 AM

I was probably in a similar spot to your wife....very unsure, if not, against the whole concept. However, my hubby kept listening to the Podcasts and gaining new info, and sometimes when on road trips, we listened to them together. He never pushed....just, um, quietly talked. Apparently I listened.
When a friend of mine (ours) opened up a bit about her own sexual exploration, I seized the opportunity and asked if she would be interested in 'de-flowering' us? ;) It was a big step, and she and I both actually resisted for a while in fear that it would ruin our friendship. Three months later, here we are.
From what I can see in this new world, it appears that the woman/wife almost always directs the action.
So...I would recommend just talking about your desires openly with absolutely no pressure placed on her, then, just get out and start meeting people, if there is no one in your circle of friends that may already fit the bill.
Good luck.

sage 09-02-2010 12:09 PM

It has taken me a while to reply to this because I was trying to figure out whether or not you are on the level.

I would say that there is no way this is poly. You are voyeuristic and if you could talk your wife into it swinging would be your thing I'm sure.

Sorry but you worry me.

eskimo 09-02-2010 12:44 PM

I was going to say, sexual fantasies involving multiple partners and polyamoury are two different things.

Could you see your wife falling in love with the other man? Being married to you and in love with him too?

The sexual fantasy about seeing your wife with another man is much more common than most men would admit. It's an exciting fantasy for me too, but it's not polyamoury. At least not on its own it's not.

NeonKaos 09-02-2010 12:44 PM

It does sound like the OP is more interested in watching or hearing about his wife having sex with other men than in one or both of them pursuing intimate relationships (i.e. falling in love) with other people. While this "voyeurism" is not "anti-poly" is it not "poly" in and of itself.

Ok, folks. This is the part where you berate me for "judging" people.

Rarechild 09-02-2010 01:41 PM

Nk- If you really want me to I can berate you via PM. :) But let's focus on the op's kinks for now, shall we?

I admit I had to skip through some of the original post because it was really graphically and definitely a fantasy. I also wondered if you were just on here jerking off.


I am interested to hear from others suggestions on how to communicate that the door is open while not pressuring her.
Have you ever laid out for her just how far this fantasy has developed in your head? That would be a good place to start. Also realize that this fantasy is your need and not necessarily hers, so approach it that way. Perhaps the two of you could find a way to satiate your fantasy without you putting her outside of her comfort zone.

Whatever you do, be sure that anything that happens is something that she wants, not something she is doing for you. It sounds like you feel very lucky to be loved by this woman and that is the grounding fact that hopefully allows you to focus on what is real and mutually beneficial. You come off as a bit obsessed, and that can be very harmful if you can't keep it in check.

AutumnalTone 09-02-2010 08:30 PM


Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 42712)
Ok, folks. This is the part where you berate me for "judging" people.

Berate, berate, berate.

I'd spank you if you weren't so far away.

NeonKaos 09-02-2010 11:52 PM


Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 42778)
Berate, berate, berate.

I'd spank you if you weren't so far away.

Is that supposed to make me behave? :o

redpepper 09-03-2010 06:52 AM


Originally Posted by candaules (Post 42692)
I also have read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, which I must recommend to anyone with an interest in this topic. I find that evolutionary biology to be a plausible explanation for this as well as female vs. male physiology. Women are built for sex with multiple males at a time or in short sequence. This is harder for us men who need time to “reload”. This makes it easier for a woman to have multiple males.

Sounds like a good book, care to add it to the link on book recommendations?

As to your post on the whole. The great detail you added about your fantasy made me think I was reading something on fetlife. I love your kink here. What a great fetish and what a lucky woman to be on the end of it. You sound quite submissive to her sexually and that turns me on for sure!

I agree with the poster who added that one should be very careful to not create a situation whereby your wife does things to please you and not herself. Perhaps in time she will warm to the idea, but it sounds like she is quite happy with what she has in you and her life. It might just be that she isn't interested in what you are in this way.

Have you thought of finding a girlfriend who is? Someone who you don't even necessarily have to have sex with. Just a wonderful deep connection with the addition of her gratifying your sexual desires for her to take lovers... I know I would willingly do this. There is bound to be others. I would have no problem friending someone that likes to here my stories and perhaps watch me and my loves have sex because it turns them on. Dressing up for them, having them watch me at a bar at a distance. I would get off on that greatly. So, there is bound to be someone near you that you could meet. What would your wife think of that.

I would suggest doing some research on voyeurism from a fetish, kink, point of view as I think this is closer to that than poly... I heard no mention of your wife falling in love, scheduling anther relationship, negotiating another relationship and adjusting your life to fit another... which is more what poly is. Perhaps if she were in to swinging that would be a start... again though, it sounds like she loves you and the life she has and wants nothing more than she has got just now.

Ariakas 09-03-2010 01:08 PM

For a specific fetish to look into Cuckold might be what you are looking for


Best of luck, not my bag, but I know a couple of people into it, and it sounds like it is a mutually fun time for all involved :)

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