Such a mess in my head
I'm a 24 yr. old female in a monogamous marriage with DH. We've been married for about 3.5 years and together for almost 5.
I was raised in a very conservative household and was required to go to church for 18 years and it was hell. I was taught many things that didn't seem right or good to me and I am still dealing with some issues therein. I grew up being taught that being anything but straight and monogamous was a sin.
When I met DH, he opened my eyes and my heart to a completely different take on life. He showed me mind opening things and helped me to eliminate and deal with some of the programming that I had experienced most of my life. I truly opened up and flourished, he helped me to let go of some* of my issues. I love him and absolutely cannot imagine life without him. As I continue to let go of the stigmas of my religious upbringing I find out more and more about who I am.
For a little while now, I'm not sure how long, I've been having some bisexual feelings. As my thoughts progressed and my curiosities grew, I started reading about bisexuality, pansexuality, and various types of non-monogamy. I feel like I have finally gotten over my programming and am comfortable enough now to say (here) that I'm bisexual. I have kept all this from my husband because I am truly nervous about how he is going to respond. He always (and in a joking manner ((I think))) says that people who are bisexual are "just being greedy" but I don't know that he really believes that...he is a very loving and open minded person usually and would not treat anyone badly because of their sexual orientation. I just don't know how he'd take it if a coming out was coming from his wife.
As far as polyamory goes, I feel like this may apply to me as well. I love DH and cannot imagine a life where he and I were not romantically involved, my heart aches at the thought. But I feel as though I have more love to give and that I could touch others with that and learn and grow with them. I also think that DH is such a wonderful person that he too has others to help and love. He helped me to realize, grow, and open my mind and heart to a life changing extent, I don't want to keep that magic just to myself. He is straight and I'm almost positive that if I mentioned polyamory he would flip his lid. He is a jealous person and is possessive (but not to an unhealthy degree I don't think). I really just have no idea how to bring this up with him. I think he might come unhinged if I even suggested some play with us and another girl.
So I've had all of this rolling around in my brain for what feels like forever now. I haven't talked to any of my friends about this, not even by bestie. I've been reading the Ethical Slut and will soon be into Opening Up, but I really need to talk about this. My brain is absoluely reeling with all that's going on in there.
Did I do something wrong in my intro?
I see that many people have viewed my intro but no one has responded.....is there a particular reason for that?
I'm guessing that the reason for that is because Polyamory.com is such a bustling site, there is a ton of stuff going on and posts going up everywhere. Be patient and ping your own threads from time to time; they'll get answered eventually.
Welcome to our site. I think you and your husband are both on a journey that will take a long time to complete. Will your husband be willing to read the books you are reading? You may have passed him up already in terms of what's possible.
I can relate/sympathize with you on the background of going to church and trying to fit in, where there just isn't any way to fit in. I am now in a poly relationship which seals me off forever from re-joining the church of my youth.
Share with your husband what you are learning, as much as you can. Invite him to read the same books you're reading. Try to have talks where you discuss what you are learning as a couple.
I hope Polyamory.com is a good place for you, to learn, to relax, and just to feel accepted.
"Will your husband be willing to read the books you are reading? You may have passed him up already in terms of what's possible."
I think he would probably be willing to read these books and discuss them, but as I said, I haven't come out to anyone about being bi or polycurious (I suppose this term fits best). I'm really scared that when I start talking to him about this he's going to completely freak and possibly leave. I'm sure that the scenarios in my brain are probably worse than what will actually happen, but I'm sososo scared of what may happen. I don't know how to start any of these conversations or how to ask him to read these books without causing issue.
What do you mean I may have passed him up in terms of what's possible?
As far as the church thing goes, I've know for a long time that I will never ever go back to any kind of religion. I'm very happy about this decision and now it's just a matter of shaking all the progamming and bullshit from my head.
My biggest fear is that I bring up the things that have been going on in my head (telling him that I'm bisexual) and ask him to read, learn, and talk with me and he freaks out and leaves. I love him more than I have words for, but I don't think monogamy is what is going to bring me the most happiness.
I have always claimed to be straight but I feel I have always been bisexual, it was just something I wouldn't recognize and own up to due to my upbringing and the programming in my head. I also think polyamory may have always been something that my heart and mind are wired for. So now that we're getting closer to 4 years of marriage, I'm feeling like complete scum for not having figured this out before we tied the knot. I feel like these things should have been something I dealt with before we got married, but they were no where on my radar at the time.
All that being said, I just don't know how to bring it up with him.....I want to do it in the most gentle way possible, but feel like no matter which avenue I choose it ends with him leaving me.
Hi and welcome ,
I don't there is going to great, perfect, way to drop this news.
Do you have kids? That generally weighs into these decisions on both sides.
The upside is you are only 3 an half yrs in. I think knowing this kind of stuff is alway better sooner than later. And looking back at hypotheticals isn't going to help either one of you move forward.
I'd do you reading and research in the open and answer the question if and when they come. Frame it as exploring an interest...that can morph into hey I think I really identify with this ...go from there.
I know there's not going to be a perfect way to start these conversations, I'm just looking for a way that will be less dramatic than what's playing over and over in my head.
No, we don't have any kids. I don't think I want kids, definitely not anytime soon if we were to have some. We have discussed that at length and are doing our best to prevent a pregnancy.
Doing my reading and research out in the open would be a good idea if he weren't so analytical all the time. If he knew what the reseach was about the gears in his brain would start turning and he would figure me out, probably sooner than later, and that might be even worse than telling him.
Thank you two for responding....I hope I don't seem as if I'm waving away your advice/thoughts.....I'm just really confused......
Your situation is not an uncommon one here - it sems that many people discover there poly or bi side later rather than sooner (although that was not the case for me). So I would recommend scanning through a bunch of threads in the into forum and see if any of those resonate with you as well.
One suggestion that I have seen is watching a movie or TV show with a poly or bi theme or character (that you think he would enjoy otherwise) and then initiating a conversation. "So what did you think about x?" You could then see what position he was starting from. You could come back with "You know, I could actually understand x, because I have noticed y about myself in certain situations." And see how the conversation went before you decided how far/deep to go.
I think that the sooner you can bring up your curiosities the better. If you come to him later and say, "I have done ALL this research and discovered ALL of this about myself." He may very well feel blindsided. Whereas a journey of discovery that you can share together: "I had these feelings the other day, and I was scared, so I did a little research and some of these things sounded like me. What do you think?" may be less threatening as it won't be like you are demanding to act on them RIGHT NOW.
I see that you are uncertain. That is ok to feel. This is all new to you. BREATHE. You will be ok.
Any relationship -- monoshipping or polyshipping -- demands communication. Clear articulation of your wants, needs, and limits. Asking your partners where they are at with THEIR wants, needs, and limits. If you can't do it now with one partner, how can you do it with more than one? Nobody is a mind reader.
Could work on growing confident in your communication skills and letting others feel whatever it is they feel, and expect them to communicate back in appropriate ways. You aren't out to be mean or malicious, right?
Emotion is emotion. Some is fun and yummy to feel. Some is yucky to feel. So what? That's just a fact of life. Could make peace with that. People will feel whatever it is -- it's how they handle themselves that matters. You can always choose how you behave.
But I wouldn't bat an eye if he told me he was feeling new things and thinking new things and wanted to talk about it with me to help him deal/process/share. If he told me he was bi/poly that would not cause me to freak out.
So think about what you want to ask of him at this stage of your discovery about yourself:
Are you asking him to Open the Marriage? Or Open his Heart to you as you share your vulnerable and your new thoughts/feelings?
Later on if you both decide to Open the Marriage that's another thing -- he might be willing, he might not depending on what kind of open model relationship you are talking about, and how you want to go about doing it, and his own desires. He will have his own preferences for Opening, and that includes staying CLOSED and not Opening at all.
But I would hope that no matter what, he is able to provide an emotionally safe environment for you to come to him to share vulnerable. If you cannot do that with your spouse, who can you do that with?
So could perhaps ask him that -- is he able/willing to provide an emotionally safe environment for you to talk about vulnerable. He can feel whatever he feels about the topic, but please don't act at at you or frighten you with a temper fit.
Could you be willing to ask him that? Then just print this thread and show it to him. How scared you are of talking about it, but how you want to be able to.
Don't work this up in your head in "what iffing" kinds of things. Just focus on what you want. Isn't what you want:
Could you be willing to do that?
It is ok to feel scared and unsure. But in times of uncertainty, do you not turn to your spouse for comfort? Isn't the marriage a strong one? If this is not what you have, why not build more trust and more intimacy within it then? Be willing to share yourself mind, body, heart, and soul with your husband, be willing to be vulnerable, be willing to have him love you anyway, and in doing so, build that trust up.
If you were Open, wouldn't you want a strong marriage with solid foundation and communication? Even if you never Open, don't you want a solid marriage with solid foundation and communication for yourself and for him?
The first part you can control because you control your OWN behavior. You CAN try to approach it with sensitivity and honesty. The other part is up to him. He controls his behavior. Not you. Again, don't sell him short. Give him the opportunity to step up to the plate.
And if he wusses on you over just TALKING? He's not interested in knowing the authentic you as you grow and change and prefers less than authentic version of you? Better you know it know 4ish years into the marriage than 40 years.
Don't sell YOU short. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.
Again... he cannot be a mind reader. Tell him what's on your mind. Give you both opportunity to grow towards each other in the sharing of vulnerable.
Re (from FunkylilMama, Post #4):
An offsite thread that might help is:
Besides that, the other members on this thread have gave some great advice. It won't guarantee a good reaction on your husband's part, but it will probably help. And remember, he's responsible for his own behavior. As long as you are "breaking the news" gently, and not making any immediate demands, then you are doing your part.
My then fiancee did EVENTUALLY flip out but that actually turned out for the best.
Option One: Tell him and risk him leaving. If he leaves, you are free to pursue a relationship style that better fits your needs. If he doesn't, hey presto best possible outcome.
Option Two: Don't tell him. Start practicing activities that numb out the feelings you have because you wont be able to bring them out into the open with him around.
As someone who took Option Two for several years, I can tell you from personal experience that that option gets INCREDIBLY difficult after a while. It almost drove me crazy.
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