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-   -   Hi from Oz (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36318)

BreatheDeeply 01-04-2013 02:40 AM

Hi from Oz
 
Hi, I've been a site visitor here for a long time, but now my wife (Aquarius) and I are exploring polyamory (and possibly swinging as a completely separate interest). We're read-up a bit (Taormino's book on Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, this website and other blogs). So we feel we have some awareness of the poly lifestyles. We've been talking about which poly lifestyles would be right for us for nearly a year now, and now we're taking our first steps.

We wouldn't be doing this if we weren't in a loving, committed and completely honest union. And we know that living this life will be demanding on our time, our energy and will require us to grow as partners to handle issues of jealousy and fear. But every new life-adventure makes emotional demands - the important step is maturing enough at each step in order to take the next one. We're not concerned about the extra work. And we feel this is where we're at now, mature in our thinking, cautious but not fearful, confident yet respectful of others. We're excited about this phase of our lives.

We have children (one is under 12, the older ones are adults). So we're done with making kids. And we don't have any serious stresses (probably not quite true but it doesn't feel like we do!).

We've tossed around ideas about v's, triads and even looking for unicorns but likely we will explore a bit to see which is a good fit for our lives. We know it may be a long journey, but slow and steady is the way to go right?

What we really like about the poly community is the openness of expression and the honesty. These are constant themes that appeal to us, we're just beyond game-playing and deceit, and its good to see so many poly people coming back to these values again and again in the blogs we've read.

I think one question I have, and maybe my wife Aquarius can add to this too, is how trustworthy is the community in general? I guess what I'm asking is how wary should we be of other people's intentions? Is this a community that has more or less then its fair share of those who are here to try to take advantage of other people. Because when you think about it, this is love we're dealing with and we're really putting ourselves out there, a situation that could be unsafe. Any thoughts? Advice?

And lastly, my SO and I are very open with each other, but we're also in a large traditional setting (friends and family) so this is a part of our lives that will only ever be just for us and our partners. How difficult is it to find others when you're not willing to share too many revealing details online (ie not come out of the closet)?

Thanks

kdt26417 01-05-2013 10:56 PM

Hello BreatheDeeply,
Welcome to our forum.

It is great that you have done your homework and approached this whole poly thing from a smart frame of mind. You'll probably avoid many of the pitfalls as a result.

As far as how trustworthy the poly community is as a whole, I'd say my experience is that it's pretty trustworthy, at least 90%. But then, it just takes that bad 10% to ruin your day, so you are wise to be cautious. It partly depends on what sort of poly group you participate in. I think Polyamory.com is one of the more trustworthy sites out there.

I believe it is possible to find others to date and such, without coming out to your (conservative) friends and family. You just have to find a "second group of friends and chosen family" in the poly community.

There's a Dating & Friendships subforum on this site that may help. Also offsite there's:

http://www.okcupid.com/
http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.polymatchmaker.com/
http://www.lovemore.com/locallinks.php
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups

OKCupid and PolyMatchMaker are poly-friendly dating sites; the others are links to poly groups (and meet-ups) in your area. You can also try googling the name of your state or city with "polyamory" and see what turns up.

Hope some of this helps. Let us know if you have any questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.

opalescent 01-05-2013 11:14 PM

Same rules apply to a poly community as to any other community. Listen to your instincts. If someone or some situation seems off to you, then get away or get out of that situation. Listen to each other too - your spouse may notice something you don't and vice versa. I have had success with assuming that people are trustworthy and not malicious *unless* my instincts ping or they do something untrustworthy to myself or friends. Our instincts developed to protect us from predators and that extends to social predators as well as the clueless, the drama-ridden and the stupid. Your instincts will give you a warning long before your conscious mind. Pay attention.

BreatheDeeply 01-06-2013 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 176047)
Hello BreatheDeeply,
.
.
.
As far as how trustworthy the poly community is as a whole, I'd say my experience is that it's pretty trustworthy, at least 90%. But then, it just takes that bad 10% to ruin your day, so you are wise to be cautious. It partly depends on what sort of poly group you participate in. I think Polyamory.com is one of the more trustworthy sites out there.

I believe it is possible to find others to date and such, without coming out to your (conservative) friends and family. You just have to find a "second group of friends and chosen family" in the poly community.

Thank you for the welcome advice kdt! I had a feeling, based on what I read (mainly on this forum) that the poly community is a supportive and generous group of people, and you have helped confirm that. I had come across an article while researching (http://bit.ly/QoqOrW) that described a poly group that seemed anything but honest and safe. I think like you say, there are exceptions so caution is a smart move. I'm thinking more about Aquarius (DW) when it comes to safety.

BreatheDeeply 01-06-2013 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 176051)
Same rules apply to a poly community as to any other community. Listen to your instincts. If someone or some situation seems off to you, then get away or get out of that situation. Listen to each other too - your spouse may notice something you don't and vice versa. I have had success with assuming that people are trustworthy and not malicious *unless* my instincts ping or they do something untrustworthy to myself or friends. Our instincts developed to protect us from predators and that extends to social predators as well as the clueless, the drama-ridden and the stupid. Your instincts will give you a warning long before your conscious mind. Pay attention.

Thanks - it's good sense really but always good to have it reinforced.

Fish1470 01-07-2013 09:20 AM

Welcome Breath, I'm pretty new round here, but am old hands at forums online. Must say I have found nothing, but friendly people here.

Your opening post was a great read and having just finished opening up am now getting a copy of the ethical slut. Glad to see you and your wife here.

BreatheDeeply 01-07-2013 06:22 PM

Thanks Fish!


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