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-   -   New need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3629)

Schmidt12 09-01-2010 04:37 AM

New need advice
 
Hi, first time poster really (other than intro) but have been checking the site alot. I thought I was weird for feeling this way, but then I saw this website and behold! It's not so weird, and I'm not so different. But me and my fiancee tried a threesome months ago and wanted to try again, but we are kind of shy and didnt know how to find someone. So we talked to a friend about it and she was willing and tricurious haha. But something happened I didnt expect... I began to have feelings for her and I thought it was wrong but I discussed it with my fiancee and found the topic of polyamory. Things with the friend havent materialized because she started talking to a guy and we thought it fair to give her a chance at normalacy. But the feelings remain, and me and my fiancee have had a little rough patch. But being clear, communicative, and honest has cleared that up. We are now being slow and careful with this, but I would like some advice from people who arent so new to the idea and have maybe been in a similar situation, much thanks!!!

sage 09-01-2010 08:15 AM

Hmmmm, we were just talking about this over dinner.

My partner is quite similar and we have been exploring a relationship with a bi-sexual woman who wants a triad. Unlike you though he was/is really attracted to the threesome energy and quite nervous about this woman getting too attached to us and wanting more. She is a lovely person but....

I read somewhere that threesomes are the most common male fantasy. I guess taking it further than that is a whole other issue.

redpepper 09-01-2010 02:46 PM

Threesomes are fun for sure but they create a sexual energy that is different than two alone. One has to consider everyones feelings and there is a sense of being outside looking in more often. Two people can get lost in each other and relax into that more. Both can be connecting and deep, but in differing ways.

Perhaps you are desiring closeness with this woman one on one? There is nothing wrong with that, but being honest about it is the best bet to success. Your fiance might find a threesome fun with her, but if you have deep feelings for this woman then they will deepen with sex and she will find herself feeling resentful about that perhaps.

In my experience, threesomes with people I am friends with and my husband have been the fun and playful. Threesomes with the two men I love have been fantastic and bonding, but threesomes with someone I know I want a deeper bond with and could love but there isn't space for that in our lives for whatever reason, have been a disaster and painful. Unfortunately I didn't fall for him until after a few times, so who's to know, but you are in a situation where you KNOW you could love this woman. That is different. I suggest you don't do it and work out being with her alone as a girlfriend, if she and your fiance are cool with that and willing to work on being metamours.

Schmidt12 09-01-2010 07:03 PM

Thanks for the replies and advice! Let me clarify a bit tho, my fiancee was attracted to this girl too ( she's somewhat bi-curious) and I was more interested in the threeway relationship aspect, cause it made me feel like being a better person for both. My fiancee was fine with us having sex just us but she wanted to have the threesome first, but none of this happened basically I believe cause the person we were involved with isn't the greatest relationship person. But we were still intrigued by the idea but we both want to be involved with the person, is this normal in Polyamory?

Ariakas 09-01-2010 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schmidt12 (Post 42605)
Thanks for the replies and advice! Let me clarify a bit tho, my fiancee was attracted to this girl too ( she's somewhat bi-curious) and I was more interested in the threeway relationship aspect, cause it made me feel like being a better person for both. My fiancee was fine with us having sex just us but she wanted to have the threesome first, but none of this happened basically I believe cause the person we were involved with isn't the greatest relationship person. But we were still intrigued by the idea but we both want to be involved with the person, is this normal in Polyamory?

A word of...warning. If she is bi-curious she may want to find out if she is reallly bi before trying to enter into a "relationship" with a woman. There is a lot of potential mess when there is a curious party. You never when someone might turn cold when the realize they are straight :)

The first rule of polyamory is that there is no normal. Does your fit a typical mold. Sure. My wife and I started out as open relationship threesome lubbers.

Enjoy the journey :)

Schmidt12 09-01-2010 07:54 PM

Ariakas, I completely agree, but she was all for it, but when I say bicurious I mean she finds women sexually attractive but doesn't know if she could date a woman. Should she try doing things with a woman on her own? We are very open and communicative, and I believe this is a good path because it makes you look deep inside yourself for your own faults in my opinion.

Ariakas 09-01-2010 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schmidt12 (Post 42612)
Ariakas, I completely agree, but she was all for it, but when I say bicurious I mean she finds women sexually attractive but doesn't know if she could date a woman. Should she try doing things with a woman on her own? We are very open and communicative, and I believe this is a good path because it makes you look deep inside yourself for your own faults in my opinion.

I know there are degrees of bi-curiosity. My wife was once bi-curious and is now bi. My ex was bi-curious and now straight. There are all sorts of degrees in between.

No, I am not saying she should play on her own (although its not a bad idea), I am simply saying if you want to enter into a relationship (with love and all of that jazz) with someone its good to have all of your gender preference cards on the table. It would suck if some woman fell for your wife, and your wife suddenly decided she was straight. And yes, I have seen this happen. It can be devastating for everyone involved.

I guess I tend not to mix love and sexuality experimentation. :) I did once, and it burned me and my wife :)

Ariakas 09-01-2010 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schmidt12 (Post 42612)
bicurious I mean she finds women sexually attractive but doesn't know if she could date a woman

As a further, lots of women are like this. That alone isnt a bi-curious people. I have a lot of straight women who find other women hot. But they sure wouldn't go down on them, if you get my not so subtle drift :)

Schmidt12 09-01-2010 08:40 PM

Haha I do catch your drift! But I suppose my thing is I like the idea of one partner between the two of us (so does she) but not multiple partners. And it also doesn't help we're on the young side ( I'm 21 she's 20)


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