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-   -   Metamour love (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3626)

redpepper 09-01-2010 03:48 AM

Metamour love
 
I think that metamour love is something far more to be proud of than any other poly relationship dynamic. It's the most unique of all poly relationships I think... there is really nothing that can describe it. It's not the same as any other relationship dynamic that we as a culture understand... the only one I can think of is akin to a parent and child. A parent has to stand back and give their child space to be independent, yet love them and be standing at the door ready for anything if they are needed. they need to stand aside when they see their child learning their own lessons and pacing their own path with others. All the while just loving them for who they are. Very tricky with metamours this way and very difficult to maintain in a relationship that often is put upon a person rather than a parent... This is still not a good fit to describe the love between committed metamours, but that is the best I have come up with so far. Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Its no wonder that people new to a relationship and especially new to poly have a hard time. It's hard to accept a new metamour no matter how keen a person is and then there is the added confusion of it just not being familiar! I don't think our brains recognize such a relationship. Until a person decides that it might just be best to leave it and pave a new path, the brain just seems to be unable to budge from looking for a recognizable path to understanding...

I think often this confusion is mistaken for the confusion that comes from not understanding someone or how we are suppose to now be a part of their lives just because our partners are having a relationship with them... maybe people don't object to a metamour as much as they object to trying to figure out what kind of relationship they are suppose to have with them!

I'm finding it hard to even talk about as I find there is little language to use on the topic... some words and thoughts are welcome.

Really, hats off to great metamours... they truly are to be admired and celebrated.

ray 09-01-2010 03:57 AM

Quote:

maybe people don't object to a metamour as much as they object to trying to figure out what kind of relationship they are suppose to have with them!
Before I started dating O, I was friends with the two of them and didn't know that he was interested in a poly kind of thing. I felt slightly awkward around A (mainly because I had some feelings for O) but overall we had a good rapport and felt fairly comfortable. Then when I officially started seeing O it seemed like we didn't quite know what to do with each other (maybe it was just my perception) but it was definitely a transition and I feel like we've found a good rhythm for now of how the puzzle pieces fit together. But it was a bit awkward there for a little while. :)

Derbylicious 09-01-2010 05:44 PM

It's a little bit sad that most of the world will never experience the relationship that metamours have with each other. It truly is something unique. One of the things that I love about the metamour relationship is seeing the similarities and differences between us. I get what my partners see in me by seeing it in someone else and I also appreciate what they are getting from their other partners that I can't offer because it's not who I am.

-Derby

Mohegan 09-02-2010 12:09 AM

This is sad for me b/c I thought I'd get along great with Karma's g/f. When we talked poly, I had dreams of our happy little family. Living together and sharing life. Even she and I weren't in a relationship, I still looked forward to a close friendship. That isn't the case with g/f and it's a huge disapointment and causes issues for all of us.

When Panda lived with us, it was like a fairy tale. It upsets me that I don't have that with g/f.

I do think having a good relationship with metamours is a beautiful thing. Quite possibly one of the hardest to aquire.

geminigirl 09-02-2010 01:01 AM

Currently, I am blessed with fantastic metamours -- really, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful poly family. I tend to feel about my metamours the way I feel about siblings -- instead of sharing a parent, we share a lover. Like siblings, we know we need not do EVERYTHING together, but we do have to share and we do have a family bond.

Along with Poly Valentine's Week (so we have enough days to spend one with each of our lovers) I think we need a Metamour Day! Yay, Metamours! :)

MonoVCPHG 09-02-2010 01:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geminigirl (Post 42654)
Yay, Metamours! :)

Metamours love vegan lemon cake...just so everyone knows ;)

Derbylicious 09-02-2010 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 42658)
Metamours love vegan lemon cake...just so everyone knows ;)

I'll make sure to whip some up for british pub night (even though it isn't british pub food at all!)

MonoVCPHG 09-02-2010 01:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 42659)
I'll make sure to whip some up for british pub night (even though it isn't british pub food at all!)

Woohoo!! I can't wait :)

Metamours that can bake are the best!

redpepper 09-02-2010 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geminigirl (Post 42654)
I tend to feel about my metamours the way I feel about siblings -- instead of sharing a parent, we share a lover. Like siblings, we know we need not do EVERYTHING together, but we do have to share and we do have a family bond.

yes, I like that... yet it still doesn't quite fit. A mix of several things perhaps? I don't know if it's necessary to find a fit really... just realizing that it's a unique relationship that grows into whatever it is suppose to be is perhaps enough...

I suck at being a metamour, just so you know. I have no idea how to do it.

any tips?

Ariakas 09-02-2010 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 42678)
I suck at being a metamour, just so you know. I have no idea how to do it.

Level of admittance...??? How so? I am curious if that would make a different thread. What makes you a bad metamour and why? (not YOU but overall...)


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