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Velvet 01-02-2013 09:17 PM

Poly, Loving It, but Still in the Closet about it
I've been reading around this forum and thought I would make an account in case I want to post on something.

I'm female, since around 2005 I have been in a V relationship with two men. My man Ave and I live together, he is completely monogamous and I am the only woman he has ever had a relationship with. BB and I have a long distance relationship, but no less intense because of time or distance.

What appeals most me about Polyamory is the possibilities.

I had always struggled with, once I was close to someone I wanted to be physically close to them as well as emotionally. Those kinda of thoughts get you labeled as a slut and a whore, even though I typically don't want a sexual relationship with my friends I love to cuddle, hug, and kiss my close friends. That is why Polyamory (once I discovered it) seemed like the only right choice for me. The idea of compersion, in particular, to be happy with your SO being with someone (anyone) else like friends or another lover has been a huge positive factor in my life. Other parts of Polyamory aren't necessarily part of my reason for choosing to define myself as Poly. But everyone has their own unique course with Poly and I think that is a good thing.

What I would really like to do in the next few years is come out to my family as being Poly. It's complicated, not because of Polyamory itself, but because I know my family doesn't approve of BB at all. That is a long story...but if you want the extremely short version it is because my man BB is my cousin. So I would have to come out both as Poly and deal with my family thinking our relationship is inappropriate...which it is not in my opinion. In fact, until I only hinted at my feelings for BB to my Mom I had no idea people even thought it was strange or wrong to like your cousin in that way. I was trying to hint at being Poly. So, yeah, complicated.

Hello :)

kdt26417 01-02-2013 11:53 PM

Hi Velvet,
Welcome to our forum.

Coming out can be a tough job; not all polyamorists do it. Take me for example, I'm still in the closet. I'd kind of like to come out, but that's not what my companions want, so I am willing to honor their wishes. I talk to them sometimes when the subject comes up.

I guess there will be different opinions about the cousin thing. Me personally, I don't have a problem with it. As long as the situation is consensual all around between the three of you. But, as you've already seen, you may be in for some heat about the cousin thing, as well as the poly thing, when you come out to your family.

I'm sure you are not a slut or a whore; certainly not from reading your post. I suspect that a lot more people are "inwardly poly" than realize it.

Anyway, continue reading various threads and stuff here, and don't hesitate to post any thoughts or questions you may have. I'm glad you could join us.

Kevin T.

Velvet 01-03-2013 06:00 AM

Thanks kdt!

My parents were never involved in the few people I have dated. That was an area of my life I kept private from my family. In High School I dated four guys before my Ave, but I was only intimate with two of them. And through a series of confusing and stressful events I found myself wanting to be with my cous BB too. All this before I knew about Polyamory. I did not intend for my relationships to be a secret. And it being secret means I lie sometimes. I feel bad about lying. So even though I don't expect a welcoming response from my parents or other family it is what it is and not truly their business, but I don't want to lie anymore.

Sometimes I just think the three of us should all move into a house together and leave everyone to fill in the blank themselves. But BB really likes having his own space so that wouldn't happen anytime soon. Some day I think it will but not for a long time. I think it will because I am very persistant and trying to make that happen, slowly but surely.

Ave would come out with me, but BB is concerned about being alienated from his family. Even though we are cousins our seperate neucular families have never been close at all. My family is much more liberal, but he is at more risk of being rejected. Lately I have been working to learn who his family is and maybe even befriend his brothers, sisters, and other family. Because I am almost a stranger to them. So that then I am hopefully not just some harlot who came from out of nowhere and seduced their beloved favorite son. Lol

kdt26417 01-03-2013 08:59 PM

What would it take for BB to move closer to you? I'm just curious. Does his immediate family also live quite a ways away? If so, that makes it tricky for you to try to get better acquainted with them.

I don't blame BB for worrying about coming out if his family is very conservative. I hope you can come to an agreement with him about what to do, and stick together in that agreement.

Kevin T.

Velvet 01-04-2013 02:34 AM

BB has a lucrative job where he lives in the southern US. He cannot find the exact same kind of opportunity here, but he does actually like where I live better (Minnesota) and wants to move back north sometime in the future. If I had a "real" job I could make a career out of that would be better for him to move up here. Then, even if he had a less lucrative job in the same field I could do more to support him.

Which I want to do, I hate just working for paycheck and only breaking even. It wouldn't be fair to ask BB to move up here, right now, dip into his savings, sell his house, and then be the big breadwinner for me and Ave too. The most appealing idea we have had, is that in a few years I should finally have a real career on my hands. Then what BB can do is move here, likely getting a job with less money than he has now, but it can be more about the fun of his work (he is a pilot and loves flying planes). So it would be my house in my name, and he can not worry about being a homeowner, I would be the homeowner with Ave.

The plan is a work in progress. It hinges on me finishing my degree and getting into the field I want to be.

kdt26417 01-04-2013 07:40 PM

Keep on working on your dream, you will get there. I'm sure BB is looking forward to the eventual move!

SnC 01-05-2013 02:21 AM


We are complete rookies in polyamory (though not to non-monogamy), but wanted to hopefully add something of use to you...

I know lying is hard. Not wanting to lie is very admirable. It is very, very difficult, stressful, and damaging to carry around a lie. I know there's perceived rewards of not having to lie to your family anymore should you come out to them. But consider; what do you stand to lose by telling them? What does BB stand to lose? It's possible (I don't know your families) you and he could be effectively shunned from both nuclear families and extended families.

Sometimes when you are telling someone something you are shifting the stress and burden of it from you to them. While it frees you, and you feel a sense of relief, the person with whom you are sharing your concern may feel an enormous weight come down on them.

If, say, you tell your mom; then she has a potential burden. Does shoe tell other nuclear family members? If she doesn't, is she now lying too? What about extended family? Does she now have to keep it all secret and carry that burden now too?

Tread carefully. There is much to consider here.

kdt26417 01-05-2013 10:40 PM

True, true.

Velvet 01-08-2013 05:38 AM

Hey SnC, I only saw your post today or I would've replied sooner. I could see how you get that impression from my post. And I know that BB has potentially more to lose, most importantly his relationship with his Mom more than anyone else. I would never ask anyone to choose me or something i want over their family. This post is just an intro and not a full backstory with the supensful details.

Recently my sister decided to write an autobiography of her life. She only turned 40 recently, but she has had quite an eventful life! Even though the book may not get published or go anywhere I was inspired how she brought up her past pains and the estrangement she has had within our family. Some people are liking how she is coming out completely honest (mostly nonrelatives) and some are not thrilled (mostly relatives).

It isn't just my BB or copying my big sister, there have been events of my life that my family (most importantly my parents) know nothing about. I am seriously contemplating telling things that I thought I would never tell them. Saying that I've slept with my cousin would not the thing to shock them the most or break their hearts. I thought I could at least test out the reaction of my multiple lovers scenario here...maybe more than that. it is still really hard for me to say but for one summer when I was a little kid my neighbor used me a lot for sex. at the time I didn't even know anything bad was going on, it was a game that hurt sometimes. There are other things too. My parents and family think they know me but they do not. Only my Ave and BB know me, everything about me. It sucks more than I can express to bring up hurtful events or unpleasant truths. But I would rather be loved or hated for who I really am than what people think I am.

On a note, I want to be honest with my parents and maybe my siblings. I know my parents appreciate privacy dearly. If I came out out to them right now about BB and possibly other things and told not to speak to anyone about it they would not. I know them, and if told them not to jeapodize my cousin they wouldn't. I could trust my sister to do the opposite and tell everyone...so I dont believe I could ever tell her unless I got B's permission to do so.

Velvet 01-08-2013 06:32 AM

I got way off track my last post. I don't think I would pushing or putting my own stresses on anyone else. I keep a rather private life, with only a few I am close too. That's my preference. Being independent and only keeping a few people around me who know me. For a long time my relationship with my parents was very strained and were not at all close. Over the last few years I have actually built a relationship with my parents...finally! Including them with what brings me joy, and my guys are really the source of my strength. I didn't learn much from my parents, but they gave the best example I could ask for, for what love looks like. I am fortunate enough that without ever intending too I found love twice.

I do try to stay positive and keep a positive spin on things. I have been told at time or another I have Major Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder...labels I don't particularly care for. So I just take it as I need to put a little more effort into noticing the good things and celebrating them. Bad things happen and don't dwell or regret them. Take it in and make sure to be happy. I don't wish to make anyone unhappy or stressed. I hope that in the end they can appreciate who I am. That here their daughter is opening up to them with such personal stories.

EDIT/ I hope that isn't too confusing. I know that some of my thoughts are contrary to each other. That is why I am just posting on an online forum and talking in theory. I don't act rashly. Often I overthink before I take any actions, and consider all outcomes or consequences.

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