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-   -   Feeling guilty (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36190)

Danielo 01-02-2013 05:30 PM

Feeling guilty
Hello from Mexico. I'm a 46 year old male and have been in an on a off relationship with my gf for the longest time. During this time we have both stepped out of the relationship, and in several occasions that stepping out has led to a separation. At some point we decided that we wouldn't let those indiscretions separate us anymore and everything worked great for a while. About a year and a half ago I got involved in a very intense relationship that escalated very fast and that put the whole idea of our open relationship to the test. That's when I stumbled upon the concept of polyamory and this forum and I laid it out to both of my gfs and the idea was appealing to them (specially to the second one, cause she had always had trouble settling for just one guy).
Shortly after that the second relationship ended, I was heartbroken but my gf guided me through the process of getting over it. During that period my gf had a friendship with a guy from work and several months later it became a relationship.
Now it was my turn to be on the other side of that situation and I decided to step up to the challenge. My gf speaks very little english and there aren't many sources of information on polyamory in spanish, so I tried to explain the basics of the poly "principles" to her, but that always made her uncomfortable.
This past month she finally opened up to me and it turns out she was withholding a lot of information from me and her other bf. I started insisting that she had to come clean. Last week she did and she explained him our situation and asked him if he would like to be a part of that. Here in Mexico you can't just go to a random guy and expect him to be ok with something like this and, surely enough, he was disgusted and offended by the whole idea.
All this happened four days ago and they didn't even break up, but they haven't spoken since. Now she's a mess. She feels guilty towards him and towards me and has become obsessed with him. As for me, I know that it had to be done, but I still feel guilty for the part I played in ending something that was hers.

opalescent 01-02-2013 11:17 PM

Sounds like he was ok cheating but did not want to be open and honest. I am sorry for your girlfriend's loss. If it is accurate that he liked cheating, then the relationship would not have survived for long.

Being open and honest can have the effect of reducing the number of potential partners. It is more accepted to cheat than to be non-monogamous. This is true in the US and sounds like it's likely true in Mexico too.

kdt26417 01-03-2013 12:11 AM

Hi Danielo,
Welcome to our forum.

I am sorry to hear about the sorrowful state your girlfriend is in. Perhaps sit down with her and ask her how you can show your support, whether it be showing extra affection, giving her some extra space to work through it on her own, or whatever she needs at this time. I agree that what was done had to be done, and encourage you to not feel too very guilty, but just to have compassion toward your girlfriend, and try to give her whatever support she needs.

If she does break up with her other boyfriend, it will take her awhile to get over it. Even if they don't break up, it will take awhile for this other boyfriend to wrap his mind around the whole polyamory thing. It's not exactly something we were taught to accept and recognize as kids.

I hope Polyamory.com proves to be a helpful resource for you. Check out our various threads, and let us know of any thoughts or questions you may have.

Kevin T.

Danielo 01-03-2013 10:30 PM

Giving her space has been the hardest thing for me to do. Sometimes I tend to "over talk" the issues. I also believe that he had no problem cheating and that he avoided asking questions which answer he knew he wouldn't like. It seems like she is starting to see this things and to forgive herself, but the feelings are still there.
Being poly over here is not easy(is it easy anywhere?) and so far it's been hurtful for both of us, but we've learned and still believe in it!
Thanks a lot for the welcome!

kdt26417 01-04-2013 07:47 PM

No problem, and yes, I think living polyamorously is a challenge in any country. I, for example, "live in the closet" with my poly companions. There is just too much fear about whether others would accept it if they knew about it.

I'm sure your girlfriend will be okay, she just needs more time.

Kevin T.

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