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-   -   Newlywed and In Love. And In Love. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36187)

Renee 01-02-2013 03:08 PM

Newlywed and In Love. And In Love.
 
Hi there! Guess I'll just dive right in. My name is Renee*, 24 years old, and newlywed. I have been with David* for about six years, and we've been married for less than a year. Our relationship was monogamous for the first three years, but we're a couple of perverts, so that didn't last. :) We started being sexually active with other people with the #1 rule that we were most important to each other (CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS also tied for first place).

Through our adventures with acquaintances and close friends, I've fallen in love with Allan*, a close friend of mine and David's (and he, with me). David was initially a little taken aback by the interest I had in moving things forward with Allan, but with openness, honesty, and reassurance that my love for David and my dedication to our commitment has not changed, things seem to be going well.

My biggest concern at this juncture is Allan's relative inexperience in these matters as well as his inability to properly express himself. I also sometimes worry that he may not be able to deal with sharing me in the long term, at which point I would have to end the relationship and lose something very close to me.

Allan is more jealous than David, and I suppose that makes sense, as David feels the (relative) security that comes from our being married, and is eight years Allan's senior. I also feel they have a lot in common and have a lot to offer one another by way of friendship and guidance. Allan has often come to David with his troubles and anger issues, and David always is able to comfort him when they have these talks. I love the unique love they have for one another.

David hopes to one day find a secondary relationship as I have, but it hasn't happened for him yet.

What I hope to gain by using this forum:
I live in a small town. I don't know anyone with any sort of similar situation. I sometimes feel like the ring leader of this circus, as both David and Allan probably would not have sought out this type of situation without my influence. I have no major communication problems with my husband or my boyfriend, but I sometimes wish I had access to a more external, unbiased dialogue. I occaisonally feel isolated by the problems and joys that come with this territory- something I hope to remedy here. I also worry about the longevity of my relationships ("this can't possibly work out in the long run, can it? Am I just hurting Allan? Is this fair to David?" Etc.) and hope to gain some encouragement here.

If you made it down this far, I thank you for your time!

kdt26417 01-02-2013 10:51 PM

Hello Renee,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sure you will find the feedback and fellowship you are looking for here. It is a bustling site, with lots of good people and plenty of thoughts, advice, and life stories. Have a look around on our various boards and see what calls to you, and post anytime you have something to share.

I imagine the thing is for now to go forward a little bit slowly, to give all three of you a chance to get your "sea legs." Have patience with Allan's "communication handicap," as for some people, communication comes more naturally than for others. But keep encouraging him to communicate.

At this moment, you guys are in an MFM "V," which is exactly what I'm in, in both cases with the female person being the "hinge" of the V. For what it's worth, I can tell you that it can and does work, but it does take work and patience. Later on, perhaps your "polycule" will expand into an MFMF "Z" or something.

The important thing is keeping an eye on everyone's wants and needs, and working as a team to fulfill those. I believe Polyamory.com can help.

Glad you could join us,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

JaneQSmythe 01-03-2013 02:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Renee (Post 175245)

What I hope to gain by using this forum:
... I don't know anyone with any sort of similar situation. I sometimes feel like the ring leader of this circus, as both David and Allan probably would not have sought out this type of situation without my influence. I have no major communication problems with my husband or my boyfriend, but I sometimes wish I had access to a more external, unbiased dialogue. I occaisonally feel isolated by the problems and joys that come with this territory- something I hope to remedy here. I also worry about the longevity of my relationships ("this can't possibly work out in the long run, can it? Am I just hurting Allan? Is this fair to David?" Etc.) and hope to gain some encouragement here.

If you made it down this far, I thank you for your time!

This resonates with some of the reasons that I joined this forum (a year or so ago now, I think). Once I accepted that what Dude and I were developing was "real" (i.e. significant, not just a sexual connection) I panicked. If this continued into a "full-fledged" relationship, what were the implications for my relationship with my husband? Was I somehow "preventing" Dude from pursuing a "real girl" for himself? Was I just being greedy?

I have found this forum valuable, and I hope that you do as well. It sometimes reminds me that my boys are autonomous adults that actively CHOOSE to be with me in this way. I am not forcing choices on anyone. If Dude chooses to not pursue any other "primary-type" relationships, that is not "my fault", it is "his choice". I have NEVER implied that I would leave MrS for him, if he chooses to be in a relationship with me, then he HAS to know that he is choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is also in a relationship with someone else.

I can't speak to the longevity factor with any certainty. The three of us have been living together as "chosen family" for close to two years. I can see us living this way indefinitely (? for the rest of our lives ?). Yes, things will change - that is a given. Will the changes in each of us, personally, continue to mesh? That remains to be seen. Which is true, also, in the "forever" dyads that much of society strives to maintain. Is it more unlikely with three than with two? I have to think it is (statistically speaking). Is it impossible? I have to believe that it isn't. (Rare? Sure. Impossible? No. Worth the effort? Only the individuals involved can answer.)

You are not alone.

JaneQ

Renee 01-04-2013 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 175369)
Once I accepted that what Dude and I were developing was "real" (i.e. significant, not just a sexual connection) I panicked. If this continued into a "full-fledged" relationship, what were the implications for my relationship with my husband? Was I somehow "preventing" Dude from pursuing a "real girl" for himself? Was I just being greedy?

Is it more unlikely with three than with two? I have to think it is (statistically speaking). Is it impossible? I have to believe that it isn't. (Rare? Sure. Impossible? No. Worth the effort? Only the individuals involved can answer.)

You are not alone.

JaneQ

I really really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. You've mirrored some of my sentiments to a tee. I can't wait until I have some spare time to read your blog- I'm sure it will be very enlightening.


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