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-   -   Managing Feelings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36174)

katja24 01-02-2013 03:23 AM

Managing Feelings
What is the appropriate balance to strike so that you are managing your feelings effectively but not stuffing them?

J saw his partner, C, today. It was their first really sexually intimate date, and I was expecting everything to happen as it did. It still caused me some gut reactions of "Ack! Intimacy is being taken away from me!" (logically I of course disagree with this, but it was my gut reaction) Every time I imagine them having intimate, meaningful, emotionally charged sex, I feel a little heart sick.

J has been wonderfully sensitive in allowing me to express my emotions, within the context that that is all that I am doing. I am definitely not asking for any kind of behavior change, but I do feel the need to express how I feel and get emotional support from him.

How do I know if I am stuffing my feelings though? I suppose in the past I have known because I have had physical symptoms manifest (bad stomachaches, headaches, etc). I have had trouble sleeping the past couple of nights, and I am wondering if it is related to J & C's deepening intimacy.

Any thoughts or feedback? How do you manage your emotions when things cause such intense negative gut reactions for you?

GalaGirl 01-02-2013 04:04 AM

Well... sounds like you and partner are doing all you can. Until the "new normal" becomes normal, it feels pretty weird.

Could write down what you feel -- in mind (ex: trouble sleeping, racing thoughts?), in body (ex: sick in stomach, clammy hands?), in heart (aching heart?), in spirit (unsettled?) and give each one a number from 0-10. Put it away.

Then the next time, do same. Even if you still feel yucky the next few times, if your "ratings" are changing and lessening maybe that could help you to see that there is some progress being in made even if you are not yet totally comfortable?

Remember feelings are emotional internal weather. They are not necessarily realities. If you fear "losing intimacy" with him, note the times you share intimate moments. Then you can read you list to self-reassure. Whether it is a mind intimacy share, a heart intimacy share, a body intimacy share, or a soul intimacy share -- could note all those close, bonded sharing times.

Could also note how you talk to yourself inside your head. If it is YOU working yourself up, you can choose to change the channel when you catch yourself.

Maybe others have other suggestions? Hang in there!


Allsacred 01-04-2013 09:06 PM

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Emotional awareness and the proper skills to manage or heal has been a mini journey for me especially within the poly-realm. I have found tremendous success with this version of Sedona method/Buddhist practice http://www.urbanmonk.net/780/welcomi...sing-emotions/

What I love with this practice is that I am able to honor the emotional weather by allowing (not stuffing/ignoring) but am then able to release. Sometimes emotions mean we need to take action but oftentimes they are just weather as GG states.


katja24 01-10-2013 09:22 AM

Thank you both so much for your suggestions and feedback. I really like the rating system, GG, and I really appreciated reading that article, Allsacred.

I think sometimes I have a difficult time finding the balance between experiencing emotional weather in the way that I feel I need to (crying, journaling, seeking reassurance) and trying so hard to not over-burden J with how I am feeling (because even if I don't talk to him directly about my feelings, he witnesses how I am feeling). I think being able to remind myself and him that most of my feelings are emotional weather could be good communication to invest in, as it will remind both of us that they are feelings, and not requests for behavior changes, boundary changes, etc.

Thank you for the love!

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