Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Sexless Marriage- Told him I was stepping out for sex (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36166)

SweetSensations 01-01-2013 08:53 PM

Sexless Marriage- Told him I was stepping out for sex
 
I am hoping you can give me guidance to preserve my marriage but step out of the relationship for sex.

Therapist told me most ppl would kill for a relationship like mine but you have several areas that are a huge deal if those areas are important to you.(intimacy is huge for me) I have seen 2 other therapists one encouraged me to stay in the relationship but get him in therapy>cough! I hope to empower him to stay without an overt sabotage of the relationship. If he starts to feel pressure, which he has, he will become resistant and lash out in anger. If he feels insecure he may leave. Over the last year+ he has told me do what ya gotta do. I asked him to read love in abundance and define my sexual activities together. I told him you are my number one and started setting out to do little nice things for him to reassure him. Then months later he said he was not feel comfortable with my decision. I waited till I had not had sex for almost 3 years.

The therapist found some sort of huge sexual block and possible testosterone deficiency that he possibly could have. We were doing therapy through triangulation. She would ask me the questions on a recorder and I would ask them of him, record his body language and report back to the therapist. I was in therapy to make sure I could withstand the guilt of stepping out of the marriage and possibly get an open marriage. Where I messed up was telling him I was going outside the relationship for sex, before going into therapy. At the time the therapist said I had a neat packed life for hubby and so we set out to rock the boat. Therapist said, I had a significantly healthy relationship minus the intimacy and I had some choices to make.

This Christmas he started snapping at me and told me who are yu buying that for?" "I am not going to watch that movie with you" I think he is hurt but won't give me sex no matter what. I have stepped out of the relationship and adore sex with new man. I don't want to just leave my H the way his last 2 relationships have. I have been in the relationship for 17 yrs. I told him I was not going to tell him any details about the other man.

What are ways I can convince him to have an open relationship? Building him up has helped some. He won't talk much. I want to continue to be gentle cuz it is my persona. Just need you ideas. I have read some other posts that were helpful.

Thank you for your time...

dust 01-01-2013 11:03 PM

Ask him what he recommends?
 
Maybe tell him you feel that you need intimacy and ask him what you could do that would work for him? You might not get an answer, but hopefully you will get him to consider that it's his problem too, not just yours.

dingedheart 01-01-2013 11:16 PM

Is he a sports fan?

Play me or trade me ....I'm sick of sitting on the bench:D.

Why isnt he going to the therapy sessions so the questions and reaction could be first hand?? :confused:

SweetSensations 01-02-2013 12:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 175158)
Is he a sports fan?

Play me or trade me ....I'm sick of sitting on the bench:D.

Why isnt he going to the therapy sessions so the questions and reaction could be first hand?? :confused:

He is kind of stubborn and just says he is no longer into sex. Any areas that could cause jealousy I want to tame any insecurities to get better acceptance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dust (Post 175156)
Maybe tell him you feel that you need intimacy and ask him what you could do that would work for him? You might not get an answer, but hopefully you will get him to consider that it's his problem too, not just yours.

At this point I have left no stone unturned. I have accepted the fact that I get no more sweet lovin' from him. I now need to try to convince him that stepping out will not cause me to love him less but will enhance our relationship.

Tom 01-02-2013 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SweetSensations (Post 175162)
He is kind of stubborn and just says he is no longer into sex. Any areas that could cause jealousy I want to tame any insecurities to get better acceptance.


At this point I have left no stone unturned. I have accepted the fact that I get no more sweet lovin' from him. I now need to try to convince him that stepping out will not cause me to love him less but will enhance our relationship.

Your husband and I have some similarities in that we were both restricted from having sex to a certain degree in some way. However, the main difference is that I decided to make an effort and get help (which worked) and your husband isn't making an effort. This is my opinion on what you should do.

You should tell your husband that you and he need to sit down and have a serious talk. Share your grievances and tell him how you feel about your current situation. End your side of the story with asking him if he loves you. As we all know, he will say yes. When he says yes, you give him the ultimatum: either he seeks help and tries to fix your guys' sex life or you seek other options to fulfill your needs.

How you respond to his response is up to you. But I can say that almost any man given that ultimatum would probably go with option 1. If he doesn't, let him know what you want and feel is feasible. Make sure to emphasize that you will always love him no matter what but it's time that he attends to your needs some way or another.

SweetSensations 01-02-2013 01:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tom (Post 175163)
Your husband and I have some similarities in that we were both restricted from having sex to a certain degree in some way. However, the main difference is that I decided to make an effort and get help (which worked) and your husband isn't making an effort. This is my opinion on what you should do.

You should tell your husband that you and he need to sit down and have a serious talk. Share your grievances and tell him how you feel about your current situation. End your side of the story with asking him if he loves you. As we all know, he will say yes. When he says yes, you give him the ultimatum: either he seeks help and tries to fix your guys' sex life or you seek other options to fulfill your needs.

How you respond to his response is up to you. But I can say that almost any man given that ultimatum would probably go with option 1. If he doesn't, let him know what you want and feel is feasible. Make sure to emphasize that you will always love him no matter what but it's time that he attends to your needs some way or another.

He chose reluctantly option number 2 which was to put up with me going outside the marriage for sex. Thank you so much Tom. Is there anything that would help you if I was your Wife? I am not picking up on you just what would you want to hear to make you feel comfort and loved.

SourGirl 01-02-2013 05:20 AM

Honestly, stop trying to control each other.
( ..and I mean this in the nicest way possible. )

He wants to control the sex life, by not having one, and to control you, by being the 'decision-maker' for what happens in your sex life too. Are you talking to him like you are asking permission, or like you want to do this in a manner he feels comfortable ?

If you are offering choices, ..that is a start. Also figuring out an appropriate pace is a good thing too.

On your side,..don`t try and control how he 'feels' about it all , so much. He is going to hurt, and stress, and worry,...he WILL feel inadequate at first. He needs to be able to process his emotions, not have them evaporated with fluffy words. :) Trying to 'shush' someone`s fears can be very frustrating to the person that feels them.

Time will tell the tale, of what a new-normal feels like. He has a right to worry. Some spouses get laid and lose their brains.
Other spouses do this in a very responsible manner, and everyone gains comfort. At the end of the day, it is Russian Roulette, and reassurance comes in two ways.
#1 - having a plan, and talking.
#2 Putting your money where your mouth is.

Also be prepared for his need to distance himself for awhile, and your possible B.I.H. syndrome. If you haven`t been getting nookie, and it suddenly comes,..you are going to feel a rush of hormones.

SweetSensations 01-02-2013 05:40 AM

I was reading that yu must reassure them that they still have choices and that they are number one. It would be better if he participated in setting ground rules or boundaries. Strange that even though he is feeling insecure he will not give me sex at all. He could have stopped this very easily by just giving me his stiff heat.

The turning point was when he said he was not stimulated my me at all. So I took him in the bedroom and blew some hot air into his shorts and got on top to show I could make him hard easily. It was okay to think that but not say it out loud.

Marathoner 01-02-2013 03:54 PM

Not Giving Husband Personal Details
 
Sweet Sensations, you wrote:
Quote:

Sexless Marriage- Told him I was stepping out for sex.[. . . ]
I have stepped out of the relationship and adore sex with new man. I don't want to just leave my H the way his last 2 relationships have. [ . . . ] I told him I was not going to tell him any details about the other man.

What are ways I can convince him to have an open relationship? Building him up has helped some. He won't talk much. I want to continue to be gentle cuz it is my persona.
What do you mean by the italic text? Are you saying:
  • You will not give your husband any personal details about the other man, such as name, address, work address, etc.? (These are factual details)
    OR
  • You will not tell your husband when you are going out on a date, nor will you allow your husband to see you getting dressed up all nice and sexy, shaving your legs, and in general getting bubbly and happy for your date? (These are emotional details).

kdt26417 01-02-2013 11:42 PM

Hello SweetSensations,
Welcome to our forum.

My basic impression is that you are handling the difficult situation as best as possible. Make sure you don't try to "gobble up the whole elephant at once;" take things one small bite at a time.

It sounds like this is a very emotional time for your husband? I got the impression maybe he had "developed a short fuse." It is big of him to give you the okay for seeking sex outside the marriage, even if he did so reluctantly. He was very fair about it.

Is he seeing a therapist at all? Are the two of you in couple's counseling? (preferably with a poly-friendly therapist.) Perhaps there is something that is holding him back emotionally (where intimacy is concerned).

I think SourGirl made a good point in that some of his concerns/worries will have to be addressed by seeing, through experience, that you aren't going to leave him. Just offer what reassurance you can, while letting him work through some of his emotional turmoil. "Trying to 'shush' someone's fears can be very frustrating to the person that feels them," as SourGirl said. This doesn't mean you ignore his fears, it just means that you acknowledge them, offer him some reassurance, and then let him work through those fears.

I hope Polyamory.com has been of some help to you so far, and will continue to be of help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:30 PM.