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dust 12-31-2012 01:42 PM

Hi from Michigan
 
Hello,
Married for over 10 years, two wonderful kids. We are just starting with an open marriage (my wife's idea) and it's a struggle for me. I'm looking for a support group.

River 12-31-2012 01:58 PM

Hi, Dust.

Welcome to the forum. It's slower around here than it used to be, but you'll probably find what you're looking for, if you'll be patient.

dust 12-31-2012 04:49 PM

Thanks River
 
There is a lot here - looking forward to interacting and sharing. Thanks for the welcome.

Fish1470 01-01-2013 04:58 AM

Welcome Dust from one new member to another. Sounds like we have similar situations, am here if I can help at all mate.

dust 01-01-2013 04:27 PM

Thanks Fish,
This has been a painfully eye-opening experience for me, and it's really gotten me to consider how I love. There are so many subtle undertones of control, neediness and ownership and I'm trying to wash a lot of that away. It's not fun, but I feel like I'm growing.

At the same time I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.

I realize that this is all in my head, but as much as I want to, I can't turn my brain off. My life and my wife can be awesome if I can just get past all of this - but pain and jealousy keep derailing me. I feel needy and that makes my wife need more space - a tough cycle to break out of. Divorce and separation have come up several times, mostly from hurt - but we both wonder if we've outgrown each other.

I could go on, but this is enough layers of the onion for now. My wife and I have talked this to death and I need to be able to talk and share with others. I'd like to find someone for myself, but that's never been my strong suit and this is so much on my mind that I'd be a rotten date right now.

I could use some support, please let me know if you can relate.

Thanks,
D

SweetSensations 01-02-2013 03:29 AM

I would like to follow you to see how you respond. I have much to learn from you.:D

Fish1470 01-02-2013 03:56 AM

The initial shock is always going to take time, take communication and then more time. When Kat talked to me about her wants, needs every negative thought that could go through my head did, every worst case became the most likely.

First up I wonder why you think you have outgrown one another? Obviously you love your wife, which in turn makes it obvious you want your relationship to continue.

For me the first thing to deal with was the sense that she must want to separate, it was, for me at least a natural conclusion to the suggestion that she wanted to see other people, sexually and emotionally. After much thought, a lot of conversation, a fair few arguments it became clear that you wouldn't argue over seeing other people if you didn't love one another.

Dust all I can say is take those negative feelings, write them down then pick one. For a day, a week, a month just think about where that's come from, why you feel it. I promise you these arrangements can work, and you won't believe this right now, but it can make your marriage stronger.

Chin up mate, it might look like storm clouds everywhere, but there is a sky above the rain.

dust 01-02-2013 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fish1470 (Post 175195)
First up I wonder why you think you have outgrown one another?

In many ways I've nurtured her in our relationship, and we realized that I had a patronizing edge was not what either of us wanted. Now she seems all grown up now, which is awesome but makes me feel unneeded.

At the same time, I'm dependent on her to take care of me in other areas and I need to become independent myself.

So that's our rationalization for 'outgrowing', but you are right - there is too much love between us.

Yesterday was a really good day - and I think she got that a lot of my hurt was not because of the metamour, but because I felt we'd lost something special. We held each other, kissed and talked about us. and NOT about him, or boundaries or polyamory or Love with a capital L. Just about us. It was good :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fish1470 (Post 175195)
I promise you these arrangements can work, and you won't believe this right now, but it can make your marriage stronger.

Oh, I believe it - I can see it. I've just gotten derailed quite often, unfortunately.

What about you? Do you have an other, or are you looking?

kdt26417 01-02-2013 10:31 PM

Hello dust,

Just wanted to add my welcome to our forum. I see you are in a period of mourning over the loss of the monogamous dream. You will not get through that right away, so be patient with yourself and with the process.

Keep the communication channels very open between you and your wife. Communicate considerately, but don't bottle anything in. Both of you are in a period of transition right now, so lend each other a bit of extra support.

I hope Polyamory.com will be of significant help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

dust 01-02-2013 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 175300)
I see you are in a period of mourning over the loss of the monogamous dream.

That's a great way to put it.

I'm doing okay, much better than a week ago. It's helped a lot to be able to share part of my story, and read similar (or very different stories) from others.

-D


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