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-   -   What would you do in this situation? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36077)

GSAS082612 12-31-2012 01:18 AM

What would you do in this situation?
I have already mad the point clear that I am not ealving the relationship I am in. But I will give you background information for you to understand what position I am in. Well, I am in a polyfidelitous relationship with a married couple. There is a trail of infidelity in their past and share a child and one on the way. In the beginning, my boyfriend cheated on her with his ex wife. He cheated on her 2x early on in the relationship and my girlfriend fired back with sleeping with a guy she barely knew. And he again cheated about 6-8 weeks after their daughter was born But she didn't find out until 3 months later then proceeded to marry him 4 months after finding out. (She neaively expected the situation to change) Well, my girlfriend has cheated frequently as well. Glenn since his mistake, been has been faithful and remorseful. Sam was very angry after finding out But nothing happened within that time, it wasnt up until early on within this eyar, before I was involved, that she cheated. She slept with her co-worker and her ex boyfriend 4 months later. While they were married. She proceeded to have a relationship with her ex while being married without her husband knowing. Glenn had only found out about her ex at the time, she admitted reluctantly to one time and he found it equal and dealt but when he found out she cheated with her ex another time, she tried to hide it and only admitted to it after being frced. Anyways,He asked to know everything and she hid 1 time with her coworker because she was "protecting" him. he just found out on Christmas about the co-worker thing (a day before our 4 month anniversary). He's distancing himself and isn't sure if he can trust or stay anymore. She and i both had his heart and she just dropped it and it shatteered. despite my faithfulness and honesty. There is no garauntee that he can stay with us. and if he leaves, he leaves me. I am willing to fight for him but he has to give me the chance. I am just not sure how to approach this situation. The idea of leaving is far from my mind, but how should I do this? How should I approach him?
I love him with all i have and made it clear that if i lose glenn because of sam i will never forgive her, how do i deal, what do i do? i know its between the 3 of them, but what do i do because i am affected by this relationship.

eternallygreatful 12-31-2012 01:45 AM

working through the pain
The question is going to be do you believe that the infidelity is over and that things in the relationship can get better. Even if your boyfriend decides to stay, he is going to have a lot to deal with emotionally. The decision to stay will be so much more painful than a decision to leave. Will you be able to giver him the time and support that he will need from you? The biggest problem in healing from infidelity is processing the pain and many people can't think of anything else. If you are able to handle some of his need to deal with his emotions on his own, than think about what he needs and act accordingly. He may not be ready to be approached about the situation yet. You have to tell him how much you sympathize with his predicament and that you will listen whenever he needs you to. This relationship seems to have a lot of emotional baggage behind it, but if you are willing to put in the effort to make it work than go for it and focus on what he is experiencing. Good luck.

nycindie 12-31-2012 02:18 AM

They both sound very immature and passive-aggressive. Neither one of them would be worth my time or energy.

DTMFA!!! (in this case, both of them)

LovingRadiance 12-31-2012 03:41 AM

Beyond childish behavior on both parts. I would leave on the grounds that they are way too immature to handle ANY romantic relationship appropriately.

GalaGirl 12-31-2012 07:47 AM

I am sorry sorry you are going through this. :(

I answered you in your other thread.

In this one? I voted for "tell them how you feel" since you are unwilling to leave at this point in time.

But keep your tolerance limit in mind and keep it real over there. If you are actually AT your limit (and your posts sound like you are) and you have told them how you feel and what changes you need to feel safe and they STILL DO NOTHING to right the wrongs?

Bail. If you have to jump ship to save your own self, really do it!

You deserve to be treated well, and with respect. Your love is a gift, and if these people are trashing that gift and not treating you respectfully? Not treating you with loving, kind behavior? Walk away from the sinking ship of bad treatment.

Put your OWN oxygen mask on since nobody else here will give you any air.

You have worth, dignity and value. Remember that. Even if you are being poorly treated right now.


paradigm 01-01-2013 05:19 PM

I agree with leaving...for one reason: inconsiderate bullshit.

Even if you were in, say a V, your relationship, your actions WILL affect the other person you're not directly connected to. Infedelity due to a very fast New thing I would consider forgiving. For revenge? Fuck no. These people have some bad habits about payback. Revenge doesn't work in poly, period, the end.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position. Eject, before you go down with the plane.

kdt26417 01-01-2013 10:14 PM

I voted for "Tell them exactly how I feel," but I'd also add that you should be really cautious in this situation because, like the others have said, this doesn't seem like a stable or mature couple at all. It's crazy that they will sleep around on each other just to get back at each other. What might they then do to you?

If you aren't currently being hurt by them, or at least not so much so that the good times aren't enough to make it worth it, then I guess you're justified in remaining onboard. However, if things start becoming excessively hurtful toward you personally, then you should start thinking about leaving (and should probably inform them of a time frame or something on that order).

I'm actually not sure how you're being affected by all this, or what your feelings are overall in the relationship. Ultimately, only you can decide whether it's worth it to you to stay. But things seem messed up enough to warrant being very honest with them about your feelings, at least.

turtleHeart 01-02-2013 07:14 AM

While they're sleeping around, is anyone getting tested? Are you doing anything with them that could endanger your health if they're not being responsible?

kdt26417 01-02-2013 08:25 PM

Good point, turtleHeart.

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