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-   -   New member with a problem (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3606)

citygirl 08-30-2010 07:48 PM

New member with a problem
 
Hello. I am a married 46yr old woman with questions. I found out this past July that my husband was cheating on me with a 29 yr old for the past 6 months. Only, he is justifying it by saying he is poly and so is she and this is something he discovered 2 years ago, only I never knew about it. I first asked if they were having sex and they both said no. I said I would keep an open mind, even though I was and still am, totally devastated by this. I actually agreed to meet this girl and the 3 of us went out 2x, although I was not comfortable at all. She kept looking at my husband with star crossed eyes and I was not prepared for that. Yes, I am jealous and having a hard time dealing with all of this. Then I found out 2 weeks later that they were having sex and that blew my mind because they were both telling me that poly has rules and they couldn't have sex without my approval, etc..only to find out that they were both liars. I wrote some hateful things to her, mainly calling her out on her "poly" rules.
I asked my husband to quit all contact with her; that I would continue to read about polyamory and that we could work on repairing the trust in our marriage and our marriage as a whole. Yes, we were having troubles-lack of sex, me concentrating on the kids, he concentrating on work..... I said that we could revisit this in 6mo-1yr. That I need more time.
When she is not in the picture, it is easier. But she just facebooked him in a flirtatious way and he wants us to go see her again. I know I am jealous and fearful of her even though my husband says he will always love me and we are strong, but I don't see why he can't "quit" her. He knows it is causing me angst, sleepless nights, and causing us to fight.
Any help in understanding this would help. I think it is because they crossed the line in my book. Because they were deceitful and hiding their tryst, I think the poly card they are using is just an excuse for their behavior.
Any help?

NeonKaos 08-30-2010 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by citygirl (Post 42379)
I think it is because they crossed the line in my book. Because they were deceitful and hiding their tryst, I think the poly card they are using is just an excuse for their behavior.
Any help?

This.

Keep going the way you are going and don't let anyone guilt-trip you. You were the one who was deceived. You have every right to feel hurt and jealous. You are correct in describing this as a "tryst" and you should have no bad feelings about "calling them out on the rules of poly".

I'm going to stop there because this is such a standard textbook case of cheating, and there are other people here who I'm sure will elaborate on the nuances of this particular situation.

As Fidelia would say, "Stay strong, sister woman".

Fidelia 08-30-2010 09:28 PM

Yep. That's exactly what Fidelia would say.

She would also say that you are completely justified in feeling devastated and betrayed, and that it would be a completely reasonable course of action if you set his cheating ass on the curb and sued her for alienation of affections during the divorce proceedings. Not because they fell in love, but because they lied to you about it and destroyed the trust you had in your husband and your marriage!

And for the record and imo, your husband isn't polyamorous. He might like to be polyamorous, even wish he were polyamorous. But polyamory is based in love, respect and mutual concern for all parties concerned. And from what you've written here, he has not demonstrated much love, respect or concern for YOU in all this.

The fact that you are even willing to entertain the idea of polyamory after the repeated exposure of their lies and deceit speaks volumes about your openmindedness and personal strength. But before you can move forward in any new direction, polyamorous or otherwise, you have wounds which must be cared for and healed. And you deserve his (and her) help and support in that healing. You shouldn't have to insist on it, but you're certainly within your rights to.

X-User1335 08-31-2010 01:35 AM

This just really pisses me off.

Poly isn't "cheating". It's not........oh guess what honey, I've fallen in love with someone else and fucked her, without you knowing any of it.

That's cheating. :(

I'm so sorry that you are going through this kind of thing right now.

I guess the real question at hand is are you okay with this? Do you think you can restore your marriage even after what has happened?

On the defensive........your man probably didn't feel he had any other option as society teachs us that loving more than one person is bad and you can't do it. If you do, you must hide it.

But he should have talked to you about his feelings for her before it went sexual at all. Once it crosses that line, IMO, it's not poly.....it's cheating.

However, my opionion doesn't matter at all. What matters is how you feel about this.

Can you forgive him? Can you walk the poly life with him, and her?

MonoVCPHG 08-31-2010 02:59 AM

Everything everyone else said above and:

Poly as a cover for shitty behavior casts a long dark shadow that antagonist love to emphasize. It's this misrepresentation that is a big part of the problem as others seek acceptance in how they chose to live their lives; with honesty, integrity and love.

Hopefully your husband will respect you, educate himself and be honest with you about what he wants and how he feels.

AutumnalTone 08-31-2010 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by citygirl (Post 42379)
I found out this past July that my husband was cheating on me... he is justifying it by saying he is poly....

He's full of shit.

I'm not one to suffer foolishness gladly, so what I'd do would likely be considered harsh by some.

No contact with her. If he breathed in her direction, I'd be gone. There has to be time for you to work out whether or not you want to continue the marriage after the cheating.

Once you've figured that out, there has to be time to work on the marriage to get it healthy again, should you decide you want to stay in it. All of that time--which is on your schedule--has to stay utterly clear of any complications involving persons not involved in your marriage.

Only after you've had time to work through all of that would it be time to even consider adding any other partners.

Again, this would all happen according to your schedule because you are the one he wronged when he cheated.

janeb1958 08-31-2010 07:07 AM

I can only agree with everyone here. I'm new to actually being in a poly relationship but have been learning about it for years. The one thing I love about it is all parties being transparent & the love involved. I'm sorry, hun, but I don't see any of this from your husband. I agree with others, he got caught so he's using poly to cover his guilt.

As jennjuice stated -- it's not how we feel that matters -- how do you feel about him -- your marriage?

Fidelia 08-31-2010 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 42432)
I'm not one to suffer foolishness gladly, so what I'd do would likely be considered harsh by some.

No contact with her. If he breathed in her direction, I'd be gone. There has to be time for you to work out whether or not you want to continue the marriage after the cheating.

Once you've figured that out, there has to be time to work on the marriage to get it healthy again, should you decide you want to stay in it. All of that time--which is on your schedule--has to stay utterly clear of any complications involving persons not involved in your marriage.

Only after you've had time to work through all of that would it be time to even consider adding any other partners.

Again, this would all happen according to your schedule because you are the one he wronged when he cheated.

I for one would not consider any of this harsh. I'd say it was a fair, compassionate and even-handed response to a devastating series of injuries.

Derrythe 09-03-2010 04:55 AM

He wronged you in a big way, and it irks me that he decided to use the poly card to justify it. Without openness, honesty, compassion and a great many things that he left out of the equation, it isn't poly. All of the suggestions so far have been spot on, you hold all the cards, you have all the time. If he truly wants to stay with you and make it work, you get to be a bit of a dictator now. This is a wonderful place to get info on polyamory, and if you eventually decide it right for you then I welcome you, and if not I wish you much happiness in whatever life you choose. God bless.

Tonberry 09-03-2010 01:03 PM

He was a jerk to you. Cheating is cheating and that means lying, betraying and not following the relationship's establishes rules.

Your relationship probably had exclusivity as a rule. He decided not to follow it, and didn't talk to you about it or warn you or anything. That's just wrong.
Coming out to a spouse or other long-term partner can be very hard. You're afraid they'll reject you and you would lose so much! But this in no way justifies cheating.

He should have told to you about it first, preferably when he found out himself or soon afterwards. You have every right to feel betrayed and he hasn't shown himself worthy of your trust.

It might still work out if things change, but you need to make it clear that the least he could do is to be honest with you. He can't keep on lying like that, as much as he might be afraid of your reaction when he tells you things, not saying is so much worse!

I had a hard time talking about things with my husband at first, I was scared it would hurt him. But I realised that one of the big problems is lying. If you're open about things, honest, you talk and everything, it's much easier for your spouse to understand and for things to feel a bit more natural after some time.
How could you be comfortable in this relationship when you don't know what they're hiding from you? You need reassurance, since you're in the tough spot of being a mono (I assume) who found out her husband is poly.

If he had told you two years ago, you would have had all of that time to get comfortable with it before he met his girlfriend (or was he cheating all that time?). It's not too late though, if he's willing to be honest and open. In a poly relationship, you have nothing to hide because you're doing nothing wrong.


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