How I fell in love with being Poly
I knew before I married my husband that he would not be monogamous for the rest of our lives, but I believed that I could deal with it in short spurts and although I'd never really embrace it, I'd endure.
We've been married for over 23 years. He did cheat once during a period when we weren't open; we have had three periods of openness. The first two were not very successful because I was not really on-board. I didn't believe it should be happening, but went along with it to save the marriage and the family we created by having two children. My insecurities always doomed his outside relationships. Since he is ultimately committed to me and our family, he always ended whatever he had going on when I became a total basket case.
It had been 12 years since we were open when in the fall of 2011 he asked me to try it again. I said fine. I love my husband dearly, but was very unhappy. I figured that if he was getting what he needed elsewhere, the tensions between us might ease up. I was right, but not in the way I thought!
He encouraged me to go out myself, which I refused to do. I did, however, actively participate with him to find him a new partner. I looked over his shoulder while he set up online profiles, looked at women's profiles with him, and helped him craft messages to send to women. It did spark our sex life, which was lacking.
He began dating a woman and I did feel a little deserted. We would talk about my feelings of insecurity and abandonment and he constantly assured me that he loved me and was not looking to replace me, but add to what we had.
After about a month, he brought up the word polyamory. I had never heard the term before and when he explained it to me it was like flipping a switch in my head! I stared at him in amazement. So much of him that I had always known, but couldn't define was suddenly so clear. He has an unending capacity for love in his life. He confessed his love for his girlfriend and I was suddenly at peace with the whole thing. He loves me and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.
At that time, I still firmly believed that I did not need or want another relationship. He talked me into joining the dating website he used to find his girlfriend because he wanted to see what kind of a match we would make. We are a 99% match! Well, within 2 weeks I had received dozens of messages from men, most of which I just ignored.
Then I received a message from a guy who seemed nice and was also in a happy polyamorous marriage. I figured, why not; let's meet, the 4 of us, because it would be nice to have another couple as friends who are doing what we are doing. Well, the guy and I hit it off at that lunch and have been dating for ever since. We are very much in love, while still being very happily married. The three of us have joined, and now run, the local polyamory website; my husband and I socialize with our new poly friends, and my boyfriend and his wife are a part of that social circle; I have never been happier, I am living true to myself, and my marriage is the strongest it has ever been.
Wow, that is quite an uplifting happy ending. I am glad that you guys were able to get on the same page, after the years of fear! It's too bad polyamory isn't better known (and accepted); people wouldn't have go through such trials and errors to find (or reinvent it).
I am glad you could join our forum. I hope you find it a profitable and interesting experience (as I have).
Thanks! I'm sure there will always be little bumps in the road (see post about Metamour), but overall, I couldn't imagine going back to monogamy!
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