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-   -   moving to a V (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36008)

riftara 12-29-2012 06:39 PM

moving to a V
 
My best friend, R, whom I have been sexually involved with in the past, expressed a desire to try our relationship again.

If you read my blog, you know a little about mine and R's past, but our most recent togetherness was over a year and we broke up because I wanted more from him.

Now he is willing to come out here and live with John and me and try out a V with me as the hinge.

John and I talked about it, and there are conditions that have to be met, some of them emotional, some logistical, so R coming out here is goign to wait until August.

I was wondering if I could get some advice/stories/help in moving a long term friendship to an equalish V

Phy 12-29-2012 08:26 PM

Hm, sounds like what happened in my/our case. The story you have asked for, is quite long by now, you can read about it in my blog (see signature). The first pages are about how we got things started.

There is lots of advice, but I guess the most important one for this situation: Do the guys know each other? Get along with each other? Aside from you and R working together in a shared living situation it is mandatory that John and R work in everyday situations and challanges as well. They should tend to their (platonic) relationship till you start living together and maybe a short trial setup would help work some things out and detect smaller or greater pitfalls. (shorter visit/vacation, something like that)

That's the way we did it and it worked out great :)

Edit: Ok, you may have to skip all the emotional stuff in the beginning, if you want to read my stuff. I/we were new to poly and didn't know our way around back then in regard to the general possibility of polyamory itself ^.^

riftara 12-29-2012 10:06 PM

thanks for the reply.

R and I have lived together non-sexually in the past and it worked well.

R and John are friends and get along, though they have never lived together.

R is really laid back, so he fits in with our lifestyle fairly well.

I'll read your blog soon, I have to be at work in a bit

Anneintherain 12-30-2012 02:19 AM

I'd suggest not moving in right away, but if you're going to, it would be smart to discuss ahead of time what the back up plans are for each of you if it doesn't work out, if one or more of you decided co-habitating is not working, hell, YOU might even find that friendship living with R was fine, but once it's a romantic relationship there are things that bother you about doing so. He may find "trying out" a V doesn't work.

If R is dating other people, talking ahead about how you all see your shared home being utilized or not for dates, obviously talking about who is sleeping where when, and I think it's even MORE important to have it clear on who is doing what chores in a case like this, so irritation about roommate stuff doesn't seem bigger than normal because of any problems going on with the poly setup.

I guess what I think the important thing is, if you want it to be an equalish V and you all live together, the ability to discuss and decide all these things as a group is going to be your best friend.

riftara 12-30-2012 06:44 AM

thanks so much for the advice, you are right, and I will take it to heart

riftara 01-03-2013 06:52 AM

A little update - R and I made things official, though mostly casual for now, to build our romantic relationship again.

This was one of John's requirements, but I didnt tell R that when I asked, I wanted it to be genuine and only if he was ready for it


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