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-   -   Trying to cope with a new envy/jealousy. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36007)

CattivaGattina 12-29-2012 06:14 PM

Trying to cope with a new envy/jealousy.
So I guess the first step is to figure out which it is. I think it's more envy because I don't want others to lose it, just be able to have it every now and then myself.

Before I explain what it is I want to get a generalized type answers on how to go about addressing this new feeling with my paramour and getting myself to stop beating myself up over it.

So general question. Have any of you found yourself getting envious or jealous about something that has never bothered you before? How did you cope with accepting or understanding why it may have changed (hence why I'm beating myself up, why would it bug me now if it never did before)? Also how did you approach your paramour about the change in your emotions to fill them in?

Just in case the specifics are needed. I've recently found myself feeling envious or jealous because every night Primal and I have together at least one of us has to work the next morning. We don't ever have a day with no following obligations to just chill out together. That's not the case for Lamian or Peaseblossum. It's never bothered me before and I keep making my head hurt trying to figure out why it does now.

DarayTala 12-29-2012 07:56 PM

It seems to me that you are simply envious because you are not having a certain need fulfilled, but seeing other get that while you don't. I don't think this is jealousy, since you don't want to get it instead of them, just to also have it again, but I think you realize all this. Don't look at the envy as a negative thing, it is just your minds way of letting you know that one of your needs is not being satisfied. It seems like once that need is filled again, the envy should go away once more. I would recommend talking to Primal about it and seeing if you can find some way to rearrange things for a bit so your needs are met. Approaching him with both keep him aware of your feelings and your emotional weather, and it will allow him a chance to try and help change things so everyone can have their needs met. Good luck!

fever411 12-30-2012 01:45 AM

Sometimes it is the fact that what we may need, emotionally , physically or circumstances altered because our needs are changing.

Anneintherain 12-30-2012 02:39 AM

Have you ever had nights like that together? If so, I assume you really enjoyed having that time with him, and miss it. If not, you could just be seeing how relaxing and fun it is for the others when they get it, and are feeling the need for similar relaxing/chill time. Hell, maybe you spend your dates catching up on joint chores or something and are just dying for a long enough block of time to fit in some fun with all the mundane stuff.

So it might not even be envy of Lamian or Peaseblossum at all, and I sure wouldn't call it jealousy. I'd just say you're craving something, and I'd just tell my partner "Hey, I'm really finding that I'd like X type of time with you, is there a way we can fit it into the schedule (regularly or occasionally, whichever you think might fit the bill for you)?" And then you two, or all four of you, juggle things around for each other.

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