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-   -   Hello! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36004)

Holiday 12-29-2012 05:38 PM

Hello!
 
Hi,
I've been married for 15 years and am looking for advice on how to open up my marriage and/or go poly. I have asked my husband and he said no. I gave him a swinging book and he wouldn't read it but said that swinging might be a possibility. Do you think books, movies, or conversations are better? Do you join groups?
Thank you!

kdt26417 12-29-2012 09:13 PM

Hello Holiday,
Welcome to our forum.

I think the first thing you have to remember is that your husband may continue to say no, regardless of what medium of exposure you use with him. What will you do if that proves to be the case? Something to think about ahead of time.

Also, when he says no, is he saying it to *both* of you doing non-monogamous stuff, or to himself doing non-monogamous stuff, or to you doing non-monogamous stuff?

Re:
Quote:

"Do you think books, movies, or conversations are better? Do you join groups?"
I think your best bet would be to do a combination of all of the above; they work best in concert. Keep in mind, though, your husband said no to reading one book; he could say no to any number of things. That's strictly up to him. Perhaps there's some medium he'd be more open to (such as watching movies), but I don't know him well enough to say.

For polyamory in movies/music/art:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...=6351#post6351

For book and website recommendations:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...0598#post10598

To find poly groups in your area:
http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.lovemore.com/locallinks.php
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups

Hope some of this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Fish1470 12-30-2012 06:50 PM

Hi Holiday,

As the mono half of a combination primary it can be pretty hard to wrap your head round it all to begin with. When my wife first came to me and raised the subject she took a lot of time to explain what she was suggesting, why she was suggesting it and then gave me room to think and come back with questions or worries I had.

I read a book called Opening Up, which realy helped me to see past the preconceptions and into the actuality of an open relationship. I wish you luck, but must say that if your open relationship is going to work, time patience and a respect for feelings are paramount.

dust 12-31-2012 02:04 PM

Hard transition
 
I'm the husband in your situation, and it isn't easy. I haven't read Opening Up, but my wife and I are reading "The Ethical Slut". The chapter on Jealousy has been extremely helpful and eye opening to me.

Its a door that you can't close once you crack it open, for better or worse.

dreamomeo007 01-01-2013 11:25 AM

hi friends...........

SweetSensations 01-02-2013 01:23 AM

did you tell him you could decide the rules together for having another in the relationship? You could allow him to set the standards or boundaries then you could add to it? Is this even a possibility?

nycindie 01-02-2013 01:52 AM

Are you asking him for permission, or are you asking just to discuss it? Big difference.

Fish1470 01-02-2013 02:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 175170)
Are you asking him for permission, or are you asking just to discuss it? Big difference.

Hi Nycindie, I'm very new to the open relationship scene, I'm just curious as to the permission side of things. It seems to me permission implies ownership, I don't know much, but when Kat (my wife) and I talked about her seeing other people, it wasn't so much I could give permission, or consent as much as would I support her decision.

Please don't take this as argumentative I'm am just wondering how people view this?

Holiday 01-02-2013 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 174639)
Hello Holiday,
Welcome to our forum.

I think the first thing you have to remember is that your husband may continue to say no, regardless of what medium of exposure you use with him. What will you do if that proves to be the case? Something to think about ahead of time.

Also, when he says no, is he saying it to *both* of you doing non-monogamous stuff, or to himself doing non-monogamous stuff, or to you doing non-monogamous stuff?

Re:


I think your best bet would be to do a combination of all of the above; they work best in concert. Keep in mind, though, your husband said no to reading one book; he could say no to any number of things. That's strictly up to him. Perhaps there's some medium he'd be more open to (such as watching movies), but I don't know him well enough to say.

For polyamory in movies/music/art:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...=6351#post6351

For book and website recommendations:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...0598#post10598

To find poly groups in your area:
http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.lovemore.com/locallinks.php
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups

Hope some of this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

WOW! Thank you, kdt, that's a lot of great info. I'm looking through the movie list for ideas.

Holiday 01-02-2013 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fish1470 (Post 174810)
Hi Holiday,

As the mono half of a combination primary it can be pretty hard to wrap your head round it all to begin with. When my wife first came to me and raised the subject she took a lot of time to explain what she was suggesting, why she was suggesting it and then gave me room to think and come back with questions or worries I had.

I read a book called Opening Up, which realy helped me to see past the preconceptions and into the actuality of an open relationship. I wish you luck, but must say that if your open relationship is going to work, time patience and a respect for feelings are paramount.

Thank you Fish. I have lots of patience and nothing but time.


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