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-   -   When to drop the poly bomb (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3600)

nico9 08-30-2010 01:14 AM

When to drop the poly bomb
I had a relationship with my girlfriend G for one year but we were not living together. We were in the same city at the beginning but after a few months, we both moved in different countries (to follow work and studying opportunities) and with the long distance we could meet each other only every 1 or 2 months. We were both new to polyamory but we actually talked at the beginning of the relationship about open relationships and we talked openly about our attraction to other people when it happens. She had a crush to another guy 6 months ago, their relationship unfortunately didn't work (that guy didn't accept that she was still feeling something for me) but this reinforced the idea that polyamory is good both for G and for me. After 1 year, our relationship changed from "boyfriend-girlfriend open to the polyamory idea" to "two close friends" who enjoy spending holidays together, including having sex together when we meet but who are available for other relationships and we don't have any project to live together in the coming years.

That is my story with G but my question is actually not about G. I met someone else (her name is Z) three weeks ago, we were going out with other friends and we had a date together a few days ago. I didn't talk about polyamory yet and I don't know how and when to do that. I don't want to develop a relationship with Z before she knows about what kind of relationship I have with G because it would not be fair for her to hide that. I will meet G again (mid-October) and I'm not giving her up. I believe Z didn't hear about polyamory before. Z also never had a boyfriend before so I would be her first boyfriend if it goes well. I am also not a "serial monogamist" because G was my first girlfriend. I am not openly poly in general, only a few friends know (and G knows everything of course). I fear that Z would not accept the situation, that's why I didn't dare to tell her a few days ago. But I want to tell her soon, so I'd be happy to read any wise comments.

ray 08-30-2010 01:46 AM

That's always hard to gauge because you don't know how people will react, so I understand how that can be intimidating. If you do want to pursue a relationship with Z, I'd say the sooner the better. And give her time. I know when my current SO brought up the idea, it took me a little while to come around. But he kept asking and I'm glad he did. :) And you have to be willing to accept that she may not be comfortable with it.

MonoVCPHG 08-30-2010 02:04 AM


Originally Posted by nico9 (Post 42281)
I don't want to develop a relationship with Z before she knows about what kind of relationship I have with G because it would not be fair for her to hide that. .

You've answered your own question. If you want to invest real emotion in Z and want Z to invest in you, tell her now. To let her fall for you first and then spring it on her is cruel in my opinion. We're still in a world where exclusivity is pretty much assumed when people form deeper relationship. Omitting information is as bad as lying in some cases. This is one of them.

Good luck, and hopefully she is just as open as you are. Maybe she has never had a boyfriend before because she doesn't want to be tied down herself. You could be just what she is looking for. :)

MindfulAgony 08-30-2010 02:07 AM

Tell them ASAP!
I am new to this too. But, I have err'd on the side of too early versus too late. For folks who I've met in the wild (versus online), I've either made it clear before the first date or during the first date that I'm poly. I'd rather they know early and can figure out if they want to bother exploring it further than to have them feel deceived in any substantive way.

In being poly, you have to accept the fact that many (if not most) won't choose our lifestyle. But, also have confidence that there are plenty of women who will be interested and accept you as poly.

That's where I am, at least, at the moment.

redpepper 08-30-2010 02:55 AM

Normally I would suggest telling someone you're poly before meeting up. But this is a bit different. It seems you are interested in more with this woman now and I think I would tell her that that is why you haven't told her before, because you weren't sure. I think I would tell her about your other love in terms of how you weren't sure that it was worth saying anything just yet because its not a primary relationship and you hadn't been wanting to make it so. In this way you are marketing it as something you don't want to lose but also don't want to jepordize your being honest and open either or a relationship with her. If I were her I would find that respectful and flattering.

Ariakas 08-30-2010 03:47 PM

I usually make a point of at least mentioning I am in an open relationship before it even becomes an interest. If there is a chance of it happening, I find most people open to the idea of meeting on those terms and then further discussion can happen.

I enjoy those conversations because, I hope, I get a small percentage of them to think differently about relationships.

Fidelia 08-30-2010 08:19 PM

I agree with all the previous respondents; sooner is better than later.

Also: since you think Z hasn't got much romantic experience, be prepared to educate her somewhat on the subject of poly. Polyamory 101, so to speak.

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