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-   -   how do i start (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3590)

tia4 08-28-2010 08:26 AM

how do i start
hubby pretty much decided to turn our relationship poly fine by me so now his gf lives with us and guess what he wont have sex with me anymore barely touches me. then tell me i need to find a boy toy if i need sex . its ended with him sex wise. so im at crossroads and very lost:confused:i have been out of the dating game 14 years i would be happy with someone to cuddle and make love to me no strings treat me like im important and just let me feel free to let go and trust again:)

freeantigone 08-28-2010 08:59 AM

IMO, you're not in a poly relationship. Your husband is simply having his affair in your home rather than playing away.

As a couple the two of you should have negotiated who wanted what and how each other (or another partner) would provide that. Poly relationships are negotiated set-ups where everyone involved works to ensure everyone else is ok and needs are being met. He sounds very selfish.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

sage 08-28-2010 09:04 AM

I agree with freeantigone. This is definitely not poly. If you read around this forum you will see how proper poly relationships work. I found your post very sad. What do you want?

MonoVCPHG 08-28-2010 04:31 PM


Originally Posted by tia4 (Post 42117)
my husband does the same to me even told me to look elsewhere for sex feels hes cheating on her so im the one without even cuddles or sex

There is something seriously wrong there. Your husband feels like he is cheating on his girlfriend? So why does he keep you around...to maintain the house and babysit the kids when he is sleeping with her? Unacceptable.

Don't be afraid to build your own boat without him.

redpepper 08-28-2010 04:52 PM


Originally Posted by tia4 (Post 42117)
my husband does the same to me even told me to look elsewhere for sex feels hes cheating on her so im the one without even cuddles or sex

I took this from another thread that you wrote on tia as I think it gives more information...

he thinks he is cheating on her? How can that be so, you are his wife?! I don't get it. She lives with you, he has sex with her only and he says he feels as if he is cheating on her?

This man sounds very controlling and manipulative. Did you consent to this relationship, to her moving in, to them being together and you being left out? That is what I wonder...

This sounds selfish, disrespectful, and controlling. Yet you have a part in that too because you agreed to it when you didn't object strongly enough to stop it from happening. At least the parts that you didn't want. At the very least I wonder how much you fought for your needs being met. It might of meant that he would of left because he just wanted his own way. I suspect that perhaps you thought it was better to have some of him rather than none, because you love him, but honey, you ended up with nothing and get to watch him have something! Worse I would imagine.

I don't think I have ever heard of a situation where someone has decided to compromise themselves to death where it hasn't ended in that person watching their world fall apart right in front of them. The other completely disrespecting them and torturing the them with their actions because of that disrespect. It just seems to be the way! Really, standing up for oneself, demanding that one is respected enough that the other consider their feelings and needs is just far more attractive and sustainable in the long run. I say attractive because often it seems the partner who is demanding finds a new attraction for them and new respect for them in standing up for themselves. Ya. It's hard, but really, when faced with what you are faced now Tia, is this not harder?

I would suggest calling all parties together, putting on the table that you are unhappy with how this has worked out and do not wish to go on with it. I think I would have written out all the things that are not working for you and that you wish to have changed. Use your compassion for their love as a guideline as much as your own needs, both are worth respecting. Then see what they say. Don't back down when they get all up in arms because that will happen. Chances are they aren't going to like what you have to say, but you have a right to have your needs being met and if they aren't going to budge, then it's time to go.

Dating is not going to solve this I don't think. It doesn't sound like you have a strong enough foundation of your own sense of self worth to successfully date and not be used... I hate to say that, but having dated and seen what is out there I am fairly certain that either the men you seek won't be attracted because your self worth needs some work as a result of living with a husband that has a live in new wife and has abandoned you... (If you are honest with your dates, which eventually you will have to be, this will become evident) or they will just want to fuck you and not call the next day accept to fuck you again... the latter is what I fear the most. I would love to just wrap you up in a bubble and protect you from that because the dating scene is nasty and cut throat and has an agenda more times than not. Passive women as you seem to be, I suspect end up with more controlling men...men who will just want to rescue the kitten up the tree rather than actually love you and consider you an equal in your relationship. More of the same no?

Why not get on the band wagon of your life. Decide to make some changes that suit you. If this doesn't work out with your husband and his wife (I say that because it seems you have been replaced) then get a place of your own, or better yet, with roomies and start living again. Roomies can be great to have fun with and confide in. Embrace yourself, love yourself, treat yourself. Start making YOU the best love of your life, because you are so worth it and that is where good relationships start!!:)

redpepper 08-28-2010 05:29 PM

by the way, what you have is not poly... have a read around, as someone suggested. Poly is about respect, caring, compassion, and open, honest communication.

I hadn't realized you have kids. I think, as a mother myself, you owe it too your kids to show them what it means to be a strong woman as much as yourself. I can't say I would change anything i have just posted other than perhaps the fact that you should live with roommates. Unless you can find roommates that will fit the kid life.

SourGirl 08-28-2010 06:10 PM

As others have said, this is NOT poly. This is a dictatorship, and if he feels like he is cheating on her, then they are a monogamous couple.

Maybe you do need to find someone to remind you of what it feels like to be treated like a valuable human being. Odds are though, that unless you start treating yourself like a valuable member,....you`ll attract someone like your husband.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find the intestinal fortitude it takes to find your way out of such circumstances. My best to you.

Look around the forum and read, read, read.

- S.

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