Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   A Complicated Invitation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35899)

thebutteryfly 12-28-2012 08:26 AM

A Complicated Invitation
A while back I met a couple who invited me to have an MFM threesome with them.
She soon split from her boyfriend and asked me to continue having sex in 3 way situations which I would set up for her. A few months later she met a guy who she really fell for and he is Poly. He has 3 girlfriends and she is now #3. The other two really like her and she is having sex with both him and one of the other girls regularly. She invited me to play with them one evening and I really connected with girl #2 who my friend has been having FF sex with. I also get along good with the guy and they have invited me into their Poly World. Girl #2 is now calling me and asking for advice about their situation.
Apparently it is not all that solid. My friend is getting lots of sex from him but not one on one quality dating time. Girl #2 is getting quality dating time but he won't have one on one sex with her.. only FMF with Girl #3 and her. Girl #1 won't do group play but will allow either girl #2 or #3 to watch only which they both have. He hopes I can take some of the pressure off of him by spending time with #2 and #3.

They are calling me their new secondary. I am fine with this, but not sure how to proceed. #2 wants one on one sex with me... which sounds great, but I feel awkward because I have only had MFM or group sex with #3.

My primary is my wife, as we have an open relationship with very little if any drama. My wife typically sees Poly as drama land. The Poly group is also interested in my wife as they have seen pictures of her, but have not met her yet. I don't think she will like the idea unless she met them at a swinger party. My wife and I typically are more swinger... but we have discussed Poly and did have a brief Poly relationship with her ex boyfriend when we met.

My wife views me as simply playing in "the lifestyle" or swinger world, as I to some degree still feel that way because I don't think I am in love with any of these other girls yet.. but I feel with more time I could start feeling very deeply for one or both of them.

I feel I should work toward offering my wife to the other Poly guy to create more harmony.

Thoughts anyone?

JaneQSmythe 12-29-2012 01:31 PM


Originally Posted by thebutteryfly (Post 174333)
I feel I should work toward offering my wife to the other Poly guy to create more harmony.

Thoughts anyone?

A few thoughts, actually:

#1.) Your wife is not a personal possession that you "offer" to someone, like you would offer to loan them your car. (Maybe you don't mean it like that, or maybe this terminology is common in the swinger community, or maybe you have a Master/Slave dynamic that you didn't mention...but that really caught me off guard. Ugh!)

#2.) Adding MORE people to a dynamic that is already "not all that solid" seems like a terrible idea - how is making things more complicated going to "create more harmony"?. Figure out your shit with #2 and #3 without dragging your wife into the fray.

#3.) You may want to look at why the thought of one-on-one sex with #2 makes you "feel awkward" just because you haven't had one-on-one sex with #3. Presumably if #3 wanted one-on-one sex with you she would have made it known. Apparently #3 likes threesomes and group sex (not everyone does, #1 for instance)), but why would this affect #2's preferences (for one-on-one sex)? Again this may stem from the "swinger" background...but "Fair" =/= "Exactly the Same"... each relationship (and I consider FWBs to be a relationship even though others here disagree) has it's own dynamic - people have different needs/wants/fantasies.

#4.) Your wife doesn't like drama. She views Poly as drama-land. This polycule seems ripe for all sorts of drama. Why would you try to get her involved if you "don't think she would like the idea"?

My non-expert advise?

Don't expect your wife to be interested in things she is not interested in. If your relationship "allows" for you to develop outside relationships then fine, but that doesn't mean that she has to be involved if that isn't her thing.

Don't tie yourself in knots trying to "fix"/balance/whatever other people's relationships (i.e. Poly guy's relationships with his girlfriends). You having one-on-one sex with #2 won't "fix" the fact that she wants one-on-one sex with Poly guy and isn't getting it. "Quality time" you spend with #3 (if you do spend time with her outside of 3some/group sex encounters) doesn't make up for a lack of "quality time" between her and Poly Guy. People are not interchangeable.

It's good that you get along with him (Poly guy) but you seems pretty focused on who is sleeping with whom under what circumstances and, frankly, that is not your business - that is for them to figure out. For instance, the fact that #1, who you are not involved with, doesn't like group play, is irrelevant to YOUR interactions with #2 and #3.


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:56 AM.