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-   -   What to do when all boundaries are broken? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35860)

oliviavjames 12-27-2012 05:58 PM

What to do when all boundaries are broken?
I'm not sure how much background would be helpful, but I consider myself to be open to poly but not actively looking for a relationship. My husband fell in love with a friend of ours, and I think that I have been very supportive of this relationship until ALL of the boundaries were broken.

My only boundary was no intercourse, and this was something my husband and I had agreed to years and years ago. The only problem with my one boundary was that his new girlfriend is trans (male to female), and so the rule made less sense. My two reasons were pregnancy and disease. Disease is still a real concern, but she swears that she is clean. I'm still going to have myself tested for whatever my doctor feels is appropriate during my annual.

His girlfriend also has an outside long term partner that set her own boundaries for the relationship. I'm not entirely sure what all of those boundaries were, but I knew that spending the night with us and oral sex were part of it. We had a long hashing out of various issues with all four of us involved this past Sunday, and at that point his girlfriend confirmed to her partner that none of the boundaries or requests to be kept in the loop were kept.

His girlfriend also had rules of her own, that she seemed to keep to protect herself. From day 1 she said that if our releationship was not copacetic she would leave. I tried to make things look like everything was wonderful to her, but just prior to her being brought into our relationship my husband and best friend slept together after going to a party together. We delt with it the best we could, and moved on.

Our relationship never fully recoverd from what happened with my best friend, and there were some things that I had done leading up to that point that helped create that situation. I work full-time and go to school, my part was that I was not making time for my husband like I needed to. We are seeking the help of a counselor to work on communication and reparative tools.

I am open to my husband continuing an outside relationship, but I'm not sure that I can trust her. I know it took two of them to break the rule, but in the aftermath of finding out that they slept to gether just after my gut feelings started screaming to me that if she broke her own rules and her partner's rules that she would eventually break my one rule.

All the promises that she has made and broke just cheapen anything that she says to me now. The more times that she says that she wants to see my husband and I grow old together and that we are forever...the more I want to believe the complete opposite.

I'm really just hoping for some words of wisdom to help get me thru this.

I've started seeling a psycologist on my own that is poly friendly (and has been poly in the past herself), and I was surprised that she said that it would be best to have the girlfriend cut off from us for a short time to work thru our existing issues. I have not asked for this, and I'm not really sure that it would help in the long run. I also know that when I asked for no contact until my husband and I could get thru several therapy sessions together, she lasted for all of a few hours before she started texting my husband. He wanted to everything he could make things right, and he brought her desperate messages to me unsure as what to do.

learninginTN 02-19-2013 08:21 PM

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry your husband cheated on you, and while I commend you for looking within to discover ways you could have been a better partner, that in no way excuses your husband's affair. Secondly, this woman he is seeing seems to be dishonest and incapable of sticking to the rules. The very fact that she broke the non-communication rule while you and hubby were making a valiant attempt to repair your marriage shows me she has no respect for rules, and likely little real respect for your marriage. She comes across as a woman who will do anything and say anything to get what she wants.

I totally understand why the psychologist recommended getting her out of your life for a while. And while it's admirable you think this will make your husband sad, you're paying that pschologist for advice and insight, so perhaps you should listen to him/her and try the suggestion.

Good luck to you both.

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