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-   -   New & Unsure (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3586)

CandiGurl 08-27-2010 07:00 PM

New & Unsure
I am looking for a lil advice.
First, I'd like to say that I have thought about being in a three-person relationship before, but I always thought that we would sorta find each other at close times in life. Whether I was with someone shortly, or I met a couple that was just starting out and we just sorta all fell in love together.

Perhaps this was a bit naiive.

I met a girl about a week ago, I only know her online, but she seems very interested in me. I have no problems with the fact that she and her partner are older then me. I do however have a problem with the fact that they have been together for most of their life (well, able to date life anyways) And they have 4 children together.

I am honoured that they are both interested, and I understand why they wish to add another woman to their relationship. (It's personal and I don't think important to share).

I really like her and her partner, but it does concern me that they have had a life together for so long. They have a very strong bond, and grew and matured together, things I haven't done. I think I feel a lil bit like an intruder.

I guess I don't see how I could form as strong a bond with either of them, and I am also afraid that I will just fall into step with them and not grow on an individual level.

Any thoughts or advice would be helpful.
I know that I am still getting to know them, and it isn't serious, but I can see how much she wants it to be.

redpepper 08-27-2010 07:05 PM

All very good things to be concerned about. All valid. There have been many who have tread this path before you. Perhaps doing a search on here for similar stories will help. Do a tag search for unicorn, unicorns, triads, secondaries... there is a lot of info out there that hopefully will be helpful. Happy reading and good luck :)

X-User1335 08-27-2010 07:06 PM

While you have fears of feeling as an intruder, I'm sure the wife has fears of her own, and the husband as well.

It's a huge adjustment for everyone involved!!

I hope it works out for you guys!

sage 08-27-2010 08:30 PM

Hi and welcome

Gather up all your concerns and move forward in baby steps, addressing each one as it logically comes up.

Good luck

CandiGurl 08-27-2010 08:55 PM

Thankyou for the welcomes!
I wasn't even sure of those terms, and knowing them makes it a lot easier to find information :)

I think it will be baby steps, she had a bad relationship with the last girl they met, and I've had bad experiences all around so slow & steady sounds good to me!

It's also a bit of a relief to SEE a site like this, it's really awesome to see so many open-minded people. I hadn't even thought there was really anyone else who thought a triad would work until I met this girl online. So, I am very imrpessed! And also feeling a little silly, of course I am not the only one :p

Jade 08-27-2010 09:33 PM

Ditto the baby steps. It usually takes time to develop a strong bond with anyone. Couples who've been together forever and have kids don't necessarily take longer to bond with. If they communicate well with each other and are on the same page, they may very well bond quicker than an emotionally conflicted single!

CandiGurl 08-27-2010 10:30 PM

Ah! I do feel much better after reading a lot of the stories on here!
Also, from what she has told me, and just regular old reading between the lines, they are very excellent at communicating, and I know, to me and many others that is very important!

I am very willing to take time!
And I love this site! It's like a little community :cool:

ImaginaryIllusion 08-28-2010 12:34 AM


Originally Posted by CandiGurl (Post 42072)
And I love this site! It's like a little community :cool:

Welcome to being part of it.

idealist 08-28-2010 03:00 AM


Originally Posted by CandiGurl (Post 42072)
I love this site! It's like a little community :cool:

Welcome!! This is an awesome site and very supportive community!! Good luck and keep sharing!!!

GroundedSpirit 08-28-2010 02:46 PM

Hi Candi,

Kudos to you for thinking & researching ahead ! Yeaaaaaaaaaaa !

Although Jade alluded to the fact that because they are a couple, that doesn't mean they will automatically take longer to bond with (which I agree with), there WILL be certain practical realities that WILL take some time.

Probably the biggest concerns and complications we hear from new people coming into an existing relationship revolve around practical things. Often the new person feels left out, slighted, inconsidered in decision making processes etc. Much of this is NOT intentional, but it can be hard to not take it personally.

It's critical to understand that living your life (practical as well as emotional) as a two-some is very different than living it as a 'more-some'. It's just a new (for most) and different skill set ! And like any new skill, it takes time and practice.

I'd recommend (as others have) taking it slow, don't build up unreasonable expectations and keep the topic on the table that this is new for everyone and new feelings are going to arise, new practical complications may surface and to all cut each other a little slack in figuring out how to deal with them. Cross one bridge at a time - with a smile on your face and a hug (or more) on the other side. :)


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