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-   -   Not Really OK with DH/Girlfriend Having A Child (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35844)

FullofLove1052 12-27-2012 12:10 PM

Not Really OK with DH/Girlfriend Having A Child
A little backstory. My DH and I have been together for over 12 years and married for almost 11 of those. Our now shared girlfriend was solely with me up until recently, as I was the hinge/shared love of the two. She and I have been together for 12.5 years. My DH was mono, and she was the only add'l person in my life.

I have always encouraged a relationship to form, so when it finally happened, I was overjoyed. Compersion is at a fever pitch. Now, we are establishing limits and boundaries. One that I have discovered is children outside of our marriage. DH and I have two children together, but I am honestly not alright with them having children. I know it is the beginning stages of their relationship, and I don't micromanage. The talks of children are early, and they haven't said anything, yet. He wants to go on dates with her? Fine. He wants to make love to her? Fine. He wants to introduce her to his colleagues and family as his girlfriend? Fine. Having a child or children together? Pump the brakes.

I plan on having a conversation with them both to gauge their feelings as far as children and to voice my concerns. For us, talking individually and jointly works for the best. Prior to them being intimate, she had started birth control well in advance, but I still insisted on them using condoms. Now, that it is more than a sexual relationship, it is possible that she/he or they will want to fluid bond, which could lead to an unplanned pregnancy. No BC is 100% safe. Before that happens, several talks need to occur.

I want to know if anyone here has encountered this, and if so, what worked for you? I'm all for compromise and balance, but this is one thing I can honestly say I'm probably not going to be OK with. I'm all for my spouses being happy and experiencing love, but this is where I draw the line. I can't even explain why I feel the way I do. Am I wrong for trying to limit them in that aspect? Thank you all in advance.

GalaGirl 12-27-2012 03:18 PM

Ask them now before it develops further what their intentions are in that direction and what the plan is. What expectations there are of you, if any. What rights/responsibilities would be granted you in this situation, if any. Just as you tell them what YOUR wants, needs, and limits are in this area. Talk to them.

DH and I covered that and neither of us wants more children -- with each other or with other people. We've promised genetic monogamy and that's a limit.

Parenting is hard, and it is a huge commitment to the child. Time, money, energy, effort, etc.

Even when the "active parenting" phase ends and the kid graduates and leaves the nest, you don't stop being a parent. It becomes a different relationship -- adult to adult, just happens that I'm also your parent.

Just as there is "polysaturation" where you are full up on partners, I think there's "kid saturation" where that's it. That's all the kids one wants to have with whom. All the kids one is willing to support and parent well. Maybe it's 0. Maybe it's more. But everyone has that limit.


nycindie 12-27-2012 05:48 PM

Sounds like a lot of talking is in order.

I think you just really need to find out what their thoughts and desires are on it (she may not even want to pop out a baby or be a parent), and clearly state your own trepidations about it, but also keep in mind that her body and choice is her own. It doesn't sound like you want to decide for her, but it is important to remember that another person cannot dictate what a woman should do with her womb. I think your focus should be more on your husband. If you and he are done having children, perhaps he can have a vasectomy. But again, that's up to him.

And you all should discuss your feelings and thoughts should an accidental pregnancy occur. Of course, if that happens, it is her choice whether to terminate pregnancy or not.

Maybe the thing to do is for everyone to agree that they are not to fluid bond. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to always keep it wrapped just with her.

FullofLove1052 12-27-2012 08:03 PM

Thank you both for your advice. Talking is definitely in order. She had always identified as a lesbian, so there was no intimate contact with males, which has now spawned this next series of talks. She has never expressed the desire to have children of her own, but as we all know, your feelings can change over time and over years. I just didn't want to be the bad guy or the third of triad not on board with something like this if it were to arise.

I agree that the decision to fluid bond on their end needs to be put on hold. I absolutely love children. Our youngest is 7 months, and I know that I am not ready to commit to raising any children but the two we already have right now or anytime soon, and I can say in my heart of hearts that I would not be supportive or genuinely happy for them. I really cannot explain these feelings. It is more than just being too soon to bring another child into the world. It is more than the fiscal responsibility and the lifelong commitment to being a parent. I handle things like that well. Once I figure out I'm feeling and why, I can probably elaborate it more. I do know that I like the idea of genetic monogamy, GalaGirl.

Are DH and I done having children? I cannot say. There were talks of a vasectomy prior to our son being born, but it was not written in stone. I'm only 32, and I may wake up in a few months with the desire to bring new life into the world. I am not having a tubal ligation anytime soon. The idea was presented, and though, I know it is reversible, it is still a major procedure. I prefer to hold off until we agree for sure that we are done having children.

I absolutely do not want to make the choice for her. It is her body and her choice, but I would be living a lie if I said she had my support on something this major. I'd rather have the hard talks now than wait until something happens and then be forced to deal with the aftermath and choices. I don't ever want to be the reason someone contemplates terminating a pregnancy or anything like that. Major talking in our home tonight.

Once again, thank you!

dingedheart 12-27-2012 11:16 PM

Are there other new or old limits and boundaries that are unequally applied to a specific couple?

Funny to hear "her body and her choice" but maybe he should have a vasectomy and always wear a condom until ..............until when exactly?

I don't understand why the fluid bonding needs to be put on hold given the long histories of the unit....especially after you've encouraged it for so many years.

ThatGirlInGray 12-27-2012 11:48 PM

MC would not like it if I got pregnant by TGIB. I would not like it if I got pregnant by TGIB. TGIB would not like it if I got pregnant by TGIB.

We understand there is a risk, and if it happened, we would all deal, but we do as much as we can to minimize the risk.

It seems like you are putting the cart, or several carts, before the horse, and need to stop and see what they each think about the concept before you worry about compromise and balance. You may all already be on the same page, and your worry may be for nothing. Find out first. Then you can worry about limits and what is fair. (Though for me, I agree with you that I would not want MC to get another woman pregnant. TGIB already has kids with his ex, though, and I deal with that, so I imagine I'd deal with it if it happened.)

nycindie 12-28-2012 12:01 AM


Originally Posted by cherry88 (Post 174260)
. . . maybe its less about timing and more about just wanting to be sure your hubby sticks with his responsibilities to your own kids before starting a family with someone else right now).

:confused: Any babies he fathers, whether with his wife or gf, would also be his own kids.

It sounds like a triad without hierarchy. OP, do you all three live together? Just wondering.

SourGirl 12-28-2012 04:55 AM


Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 174267)

It seems like you are putting the cart, or several carts, before the horse, and need to stop and see what they each think about the concept before you worry about compromise and balance.

That was my exact thinking. Pretty much putting the cart before the horse. Even if it is a case of wanting to make sure you have that base covered so no 'oopsie' happens,....I think I'd opt to just bluntly say my feelings in a conversation where a chat about children popped up.

DavidJ 12-28-2012 12:16 PM

My wife and I had a huge talk about this last week. She's always said that children outside of the marriage are a big no-no. (My intro post elsewhere goes into detail about how that has somewhat stifled a relationship I'm in as my friend is 39 and really wants a child soon.)

What started the conversation is that a couple we know are struggling to have kids and my wife offered to donate eggs. Without discussing it with me first! I know that's not quite the same as her having a baby with someone else but I wanted to know exactly where the line was. Could I donate sperm to a friend? Apparently not! The reason she gave was that if I did, I'd still be on the hook legally as a parent and that would involve time and financial responsibilities.
So we talked about those two things in depth. My friend is financially independent and really wouldn't need much help. She's also very proud and would refuse most help that was offered. So that shouldn't be an issue. As for the time thing, she's pretty determined to have a baby soon with or without a partner. I pointed out that if she did have a baby on her own I'd still be spending time with her and helping to raise the child and my wife said she would actually be ok with that as long as it wasn't my child.

So my wife has tried to rationalise it as best she can. But what it really seems to boil down to is that I'm hers and the one thing she won't share with anyone else is my DNA. That seems to be quite a low level instinct that no amount of logical debate will get past. It doesn't quite make sense, but it's what it is for us.

Becca 12-28-2012 01:10 PM


Originally Posted by DavidJ (Post 174349)
Could I donate sperm to a friend? Apparently not! The reason she gave was that if I did, I'd still be on the hook legally as a parent and that would involve time and financial responsibilities.

That actually depends on where you live, and how you donate (through a clinic as opposed to using a turkey baster).

To the OP-- before you let your thoughts spin off in a million directions, you definitely need to talk to them. If your girlfriend is 35, she may have already made the decision that she doesn't want to have kids.

Really, everyone ultimately has (or ought to have) the right to their own reproductive choices, so I understand that this is something you might not feel comfortable bringing up. It also makes sense that with all the compersion you're feeling, you are embarrassed to confess to this one area where you feel jealous. My best advice is to try to forgive yourself for feeling jealousy-- it is normal and natural to feel that way, and does not mean that you have failed to evolve to the perfect poly person, or that you are flawed, or that you don't love these people deeply. It's okay to feel it.

Consider, maybe, that because this one area (having kids) is sort of it's own little emotional arena, your brain might be dumping all of your jealousies and insecurities into this field. That is, you might be having much more intense feelings about this issue than you otherwise would, because it's the venue for you to express all the little anxieties and concerns that crop up when you see the people you love focusing on each other rather than you. That's okay.

I really just think that if you give yourself permission to have your feelings, to experience insecurity and jealousy and anxiety, and work through them, they won't have so much control over you.

And talk to your loved ones about this. Present it as: "I'm so happy that this relationship is growing between you, and I'm not really having much jealousy at all, especially compared to the happiness that I'm feeling, but there is this one area where I feel insecure and I want to talk to you about it and see what your feelings are."

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