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Mathulu 12-26-2012 03:53 AM

Looking for knowledgable advice
 
I should probably provide some background before explaining the situation. A few months ago my husband and I were talking when an ex girlfriend of his came up. I mentioned that she had proposed having a threesome. I was open to the idea at the point when she brought it up but that i wasn't sure I would be okay with it now. A couple days ago he asked me if I would consider trying with a good friend of ours that is attracted to both of us. She and I have similar concerns because we have been having family problems centered around our oldest child. The problems have become severe enough that we have discussed separating. Removed from parenting issues, we don't really have relationship problems.

I would appreciate any thoughts or words of advice from experienced polys. I know how my husband commits to relationships and if we do this it will be long term. Since this is my first post I should probably cut it off for now and save any other thoughts for later posts.

nycindie 12-26-2012 04:20 AM

I am confused. There are conflicting statements. Are you talking about relationships or just threesomes/group sex? And is your marriage on a good foundation or rocky right now, overall?

GalaGirl 12-26-2012 04:51 AM

Is this what I am reading?
  • You and your husband are having trouble with your eldest child. To the point where you consider separating because you cannot agree how to best handle it?
  • Husband suggests a threesome with a friend. You and the friend are concerned about pursuing the threesome at this time because of the family problems already going on?

If so, I agree. Not the best time. Sounds like the kid needs your time and energies most. Followed by the health of your marriage. Your plate already sounds full. Adding more people/relationships to the mix at this time doesn't sound like good timing.

You also do not sound enthusiastic about a threesome experiment at this time. So you could say "no, not willing at this time."

Could choose to spend some time with yourself figuring out what your own wants, needs, and limits are. Then could choose to talk with husband some more about what his wants, needs, and limits are. Is husband after casual sex? Swinging? Polyamory? What about you?

Because the couple does not seem really clear on what you both hope to gain from the experience or what it is you both are wanting from either the marriage relationship or the relationship with your friend. What's friend want?

What kind of open relationship model are you and husband talking about?

Galagirl

Mathulu 12-26-2012 06:03 AM

Sorry about the confusing post. He has proposed the three of us trying with group sex. However, he has never been interested in casual sex and tends to overcommit to relationships. He has said she is the first person he has been attracted to in a long time so I think that is a factor for him. Our relationship is much more friendship with sex. He has never been in-love with me and I think he misses that.

I am a full time university student and have recently begun seeing a psychologist through my school about how to deal with our son who has Aspergers and oppositional defiant disorder. We also are discussing the strain our son's difficulties put's on my marriage.

I asked both the husband and friend if we can all get together to discuss what we want from each other. We have talked as pairs about it but not all together.

Galagirl, You pretty much summed up everything much better than I did. Thank you. I needed an impartial opinion to help me clarify my thoughts and you helped. I need to figure out what I want and we need to have a frank discussion about whether adding someone to our relationship is a complication that is worth dealing with at this time.

nycindie 12-26-2012 06:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mathulu (Post 173967)
. . . we need to have a frank discussion about whether adding someone to our relationship is a complication that is worth dealing with at this time.

You wouldn't be "adding her to your relationship," like adding a pickle to your sandwich. She's a person, not a condiment, after all. You would each be starting a new relationship with her. It doesn't sound like you have the time, capacity, energy, or inspiration to do that. You have bigger concerns right now. I think what your husband is looking for is an escape from the stress. It would be unfair to use another person for that, even if she wants it. You should both be focused on your son, not threesomes. I suggest you look into some sort of couples counseling, and examine how caregiving is affecting you.

Mathulu 12-26-2012 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 173971)
You wouldn't be "adding her to your relationship," like adding a pickle to your sandwich. She's a person, not a condiment, after all. You would each be starting a new relationship with her. It doesn't sound like you have the time, capacity, energy, or inspiration to do that. You have bigger concerns right now. I think what your husband is looking for is an escape from the stress. It would be unfair to use another person for that, even if she wants it. You should both be focused on your son, not threesomes. I suggest you look into some sort of couples counseling, and examine how caregiving is affecting you.

That was not quite what I intended by that statement. Think of two points versus three. With two points, it takes one line to connect them. With three points, it takes three lines. Three relationships are more complicated than one.

I have asked the husband to go to family therepy but he refused. In his words, the problems will go away once the boy learns to get himself under control. He has also expressed doubt about the effectiveness of the therepist our son sees to work on social and emotional skills.

I have no one that I can discuss this with until the next semester starts. You seem angry that I posted here, I'm sorry, I did not intend to upset anyone. I was looking for advice and got some.

nycindie 12-26-2012 08:04 AM

Not angry at all. Just pointing out that becoming involved with an additional person is not really as easy or simple as it sounds to say you're "adding" someone to the two of you. There are four dynamics among three people in relationship. It would be you & hubby, hubby & gf, you & gf, and all of you together. Complex and in need of clarity, awareness, and attention. And it doesn't sound like it's something you really need to be dealing with right now. Also sounds like your husband is rather stubborn and doesn't want to be told what to do by anyone, and that's not good with what you have to focus on.

GalaGirl 12-26-2012 02:47 PM

Quote:

I have asked the husband to go to family therepy but he refused. In his words, the problems will go away once the boy learns to get himself under control. He has also expressed doubt about the effectiveness of the therepist our son sees to work on social and emotional skills.
What is his proposed solution for teaching the boy HOW to get himself under control?

Galagirl

Mathulu 12-26-2012 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 174004)
What is his proposed solution for teaching the boy HOW to get himself under control?

Galagirl

He honestly believes that our son will someday have an epiphany and just understand how to control himself, that the lack of self control is a product of a lack of maturity. My husband denies it but he can be quite the optimist.

UpsideDown 12-26-2012 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mathulu (Post 174038)
He honestly believes that our son will someday have an epiphany and just understand how to control himself, that the lack of self control is a product of a lack of maturity. My husband denies it but he can be quite the optimist.

My father believed this about my younger brother, for over a decade. He had some severe head-trauma and a TBI, not a spectrum disorder, but it was much the same. Until my brother became violent, my dad was really willing to just ignore it until it sorted itself out.

As to you, I'm sorry. My kids both have special needs...my daughter had ODD and juvenile-onset bipolar. It makes parenting hard, it really does. The only reason that isn't a factor in our process, here, is that the girl I like already knows and likes my kids, and that DH and I are on the same page raising them. I concur with the above posters that you and DH need to focus on the kiddo and your marriage...not complicate it further in an unnecessary fashion.


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