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-   -   Am i thinking realisticly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3576)

Wondering 08-26-2010 05:34 PM

Am i thinking realisticly
 
My husband and I are coming into some troubles. One of the biggest is she doesnt want to get to know me or be friends. Is it unrealistic of me to want to know the woman my husband is dating or is that me being to controlling?

Ariakas 08-26-2010 06:03 PM

I would have a hard time entering into a poly relationship without knowing the other partners.

However it does work for some people. You need to decide if it works for you :)

NeonKaos 08-26-2010 06:19 PM

This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to "be friends" is not a "red-flag" in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least MEET you, and you "wondering" about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.

Tonberry 08-26-2010 06:59 PM

I definitely wouldn't be fine with not getting to know my husband's or boyfriend's girlfriend... Or if they didn't know each other or didn't get along.
So while it can work for some people, I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable.

Ilove2men 08-27-2010 01:49 AM

Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduce to poly and it changing with a little encouragement. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.

Wondering 08-27-2010 01:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 41898)
Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduce to poly and it changing with a little encouragement. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.

She has been with married men before but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her...in fact one of the men she is seeing is married but his wife doesn't know. She is knew to the wife knowing aspect of it but still doesn't see the point or believe that we need to be friends or even know each other. I don't know if i should just step back and see how things play out or stand my ground.

Wondering 08-27-2010 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 41844)
This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to "be friends" is not a "red-flag" in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least MEET you, and you "wondering" about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.


Yes its the very same woman. I do have a bad gut feeling but he loves her so much i can't stand to see him hurt by not being with her. I feel he would resent me if he broke up with her bc of me and i don't want that.

MonoVCPHG 08-27-2010 02:11 AM

IXm a little curious if your husband isn't seriously concerned about this woman's chronic dishonesty towards relationships. She seems drawn to cheating. Does he not think she will and is keeping him in the dark about other things? How does one truly love some one who is so comfortable with lying? How do you ever trust them enough to reach true depth? Once again we see the blinding affects of NRE.

Ilove2men 08-27-2010 02:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondering (Post 41900)
She has been with married men before but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her...in fact one of the men she is seeing is married but his wife doesn't know. She is knew to the wife knowing aspect of it but still doesn't see the point or believe that we need to be friends or even know each other. I don't know if i should just step back and see how things play out or stand my ground.

Ick... I say go with your gut. It just depends on what your poly is. Are you okay with your husband having a double life that excludes you. ( With a repeated mistress) Does he really want a double life? It works for some ( minus the mistress part.)

MonoVCPHG 08-27-2010 02:13 AM

I don't know about your history but I would definitely take every precaution to make yourself sexually safe with this woman in his/your life.


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