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UpsideDown 12-23-2012 08:35 PM

I just want *that* one
“I just want *that* one.”

This was said in a conversation this month with my husband of nearly 10 years, as we were discussing our trip-and-fall into the poly discussion. I was saying that all the poly discussions, even the use of the word, really, send me reeling a bit because I don’t really feel like one of y’all…mainly because I don’t want to start dating “other people” or “exploring” or whatever. I’m married to a great guy and I just want this one, specific girl, in a very limited way.

Simple story? Boy meets girl, boy and girl become best friends, boy and girl fall in love, get married have great sex, crazy kids and insane but intensely satisfying life. 5 years later, girl realizes she like girls, to a degree, and would probably have ended up dating one or two if she hadn’t been raised by 700 Club weirdos. Girl tells boy, boy is kind and understanding. 4 years pass. Girl has new “best” friend, second only to awesome relationship with boy. Let’s call her “cute-girl.” Girl develops crush on cute-girl after long period of friendship, freaks out a bit, and tells boy expecting boy to lose his shit. He responds in mature and adult way. Girl then tells cute-girl, who is actively both bi- and poly, expecting her to give simple straight-forward answer. Disaster unfolds as cute-girl cannot piece together if she even likes girl, but admits of having thought about kissing her, the two do not share a vocabulary or even most basic views on how the world works (girl is very linear, cute-girl thinks in paisley).

So, yeah. Um…I’m here and a little confused and scared. She’s full of impossible nonsense, he’s supportive past the point where I have interests but is as new as I am, and I don’t know what I’m doing. Like I said though…I don’t really want “other people.” I just want my husband and “that one.”


kdt26417 12-24-2012 12:22 AM

Hello UpsideDown,

In my vernacular you're one of us ... Polyamory is a large word, and it covers a wide range of lovestyles. You'd be surprised how many people "fall into poly," rather than deciding ahead of time that's what they want to do.

I know you must feel scared and disoriented, but feel glad that your husband is very supportive, and that cute-girl is your friend regardless of whether you and she develop a romance with each other. I think you're fortunate. I'm glad for you.

Have a look around at our various threads here; there's so much to learn. Do's and don'ts, what to look out for, what to look forward to, all of that.

Tell us more of your story, and let us know what thoughts, questions, or concerns you may have. Above all, live in the moment and find joy in it.

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.

UpsideDown 12-24-2012 02:13 AM

Longer story coming soon
...but I can get into a little more of it here. I take a long time to develop strong friendships, and the times I've fallen, even into a crush like this, involve close friends. I can count them on one hand and have fingers left over. It means I'm not particularly skilled at the whole breaking-up thing, but as I am still close friends (or married to) those other people, it means I have some rather decent "not being a dick" skills.

She and I did eventually decide we could be friends, regardless of what happens, and that while she's focusing on her primary relationship right now, it was important to her not to add anything else. She even broke up with other, more casual partners, in order to focus on the dude-she-lives-with and that focus may, or may not, take a long time (however, she thinks of 6 months as a long time, so hell if I know). She told me she'd be interested in honestly pursuing wherever this may go, at an undetermined time in the future, and I said I'd be open to waiting around for a while to see how that goes.

Metaphor I used was a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Disneyland. Once you know you're going, great...you head off, cross country to the park. However, especially if you don't know anything about the place, it's best to take a local with you, as there are people who live in Orlando full time, and they'll probably be able to give you advice on what rides and events you'd like, and which ones you won't. I don't want to live at Disney, and I have no grand plans to move there full-time. I do, however, hope that I get to go one day, and bring back a bunch of snapshots and memories to put in an album for later. Some people come back with full-on licensed costumes and a season pass, and some people come home with a tourist photo or three, and I really figure that this, if it happens, will be an over-all positive experience that I'd like to live fully and honestly in whatever shape it comes in. If I don't go on every ride and see the whole park, I'm okay because it's still more than I had before. (Note, this is said from the point-of-view of a SoCal native who was the "local guide" for my out-of-town friends, and I'm aware that there is a great deal of frustration that comes with the park, too. However, I also know it was never so interesting as when you went with someone who'd never been)

At this point we've kissed 3 times and held hands...all of which leave me in a middle-school-ish puddle of giggles every time. She is aware of that and thinks it's cute, and seems willing to indulge me. I did my required reading of "Ethical Slut" in college, and read "Opening Up" a few weeks ago...thing is, since we're not sexually involved and I'm not even sure (at my age!) what that would entail with a woman in my ideal world...I dunno...that might be a part of my disconnect.

I've been doing some reading here, and a whole lot of talking to my husband about this whole thing. He's straight, I'm bi with no real experience other-than-him to speak of, and he says he's content to stay mono while I do this as the compersion thing seems to be alive and kicking for him in a way I can't wrap my head around but appreciate wholeheartedly.

kdt26417 12-24-2012 10:52 PM

It sounds like things are hopeful, but like it will take some time. The wait probably seems longer if you don't know how long to expect, but you seem to be a patient person and will probably handle it well.

Anything we can do to help on this site, any questions we can answer, any concerns we can address, just let us know. I've no "girl-on-girl" education or experience personally, but I'm thinking other members have, and some will hopefully post about it.

It really is great that your husband is so supportive. I'm sure it makes all the confusion and uncertainty easier to handle. I think it's good to just let things develop naturally and see where your heart leads you.

Kevin T.

UpsideDown 12-25-2012 12:04 AM

Thanks again, Kevin
It's frustrating in a mildly irritating way, since I don't know what she's on about, ever, but I'm doing alright, and I'm relatively patient (now that I know our friendship isn't at stake). Besides, I'm so giggly all the time, it warms me just to get to sit on a couch with her.

kdt26417 12-25-2012 09:40 PM

Well, whatever you and she have, it seems to be more (just a little more?) than a friendship, at least. A friendship-plus, if you will.

Enjoy (despite the frustration) ... :)

UpsideDown 12-26-2012 08:03 PM


Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 173911)
A friendship-plus

That's a good phrasing. I like it.

Spent a few hours with CG's primary/boyfriend/partner/fiancee/whatever yesterday and, as always, ended up pestering him about how poly works. He's tolerably patient about the whole thing, but cannot see why things trouble me the way that they do. His most frustrating tendency is to be pretty convinced that the giant explosion that she and I had when this started (4-6 weeks ago) is more a me-and-DH thing than a when-worlds-collide thing...and if that's as bad as it gets then, whatever.

kdt26417 12-26-2012 10:59 PM

Maybe it's both a you-and-DH thing, and a when-worlds-collide thing as well? In any case, continue to educate yourself about poly by whatever means are available. Post your questions as they arise.

UpsideDown 12-26-2012 11:43 PM

DH and I talked for hours, over weeks, about this, and came to a tentatively functional way of going about it, figuring out how this transition into the "not-monogamous" world would work.

She reacted as if I had come out to her as a conservative or something. :confused: Way bigger of a deal to her than I'd have expected, given that she's openly and totally poly. I thought our issues were more my fear and need for information and answers and her refusal/inability to give me more than "not yes and not no" when I was reeling. We sorted that, after a few rough conversations (one which resulted in screaming).

I think DH and I are doing pretty well, as we talk about it a lot. We're even looking at seeing a poly-friendly therapist and making sure we're doing alright, as we have some downright amazing communications skills (hard-learned over the last 15 years) and there isn't a single thing I feel I can't talk to him about.

kdt26417 12-27-2012 12:07 AM

Sounds like a good plan; I especially like the idea of checking in with a poly-friendly therapist.

Can I ask, how are you and CG currently getting along? Did things smooth out after those initial conversations? Any idea why she initially reacted so crazy-like? Did she think you were being too forward, or too reserved?

Keep up the good communication between you and DH, and try to increase/enhance your communication with CG as well. And about those "not yes and not no" questions, if they are still bothering you, don't hesitate to post them and I'll try to give you a definite yes or no. :)

Well wishes and regards,
Kevin T.

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