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-   -   Issue with Age? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35607)

GSAS082612 12-22-2012 04:41 PM

Issue with Age?
So, as I have mentioned before previously, I am in a poly-amorous relationship with a married couple. They have been married for a little over a year. I have known my girlfriend and boyfriend since I was 15. I am now 18. The biggest issue I am getting is the age. They for one, share one daughter and a son on the way, with a possible newborn on my part. (Trying for a baby) Anyways, the issue everyone suggests I bring up is age, she is 21, and he is 34. I know not many are supportive, but what is your opinion. Please no smack talk on my boyfriends or girlfriends age, or telling me I am too young. Life is too short to live it right. I am 18 and I understand that this could quite possibly be a mistake but in fact, it could not be. I love him, I love her. Point Blank. But I am curious with how many othe poly-relationships have an age gap so wide.:eek::confused:

Sannafrid 12-22-2012 05:39 PM

You are all consenting adults. I don't see a problem. There could be some differences in maturity, and that's no one's fault; it just happens when one partner happens to have more life experience than the other. However, age is no guarantee of maturity, wisdom, experience, etc. When it is, empathy can go a long way in bridging the age gap. Understanding where your partner is coming from and that their experiences are not your own is important whether the age difference is ten years or ten days.

Anyway, I'm 23 and my primary and secondary lovers are both in their early 30s, so I've spent some time thinking about this, too.

Helo 12-22-2012 08:20 PM

I dont really see the issue. I'm 25 and I've generally been drawn to people older than me. OKC perpetually matches me up with people 30 and up.

opalescent 12-22-2012 08:22 PM

Are you trying for a baby with him as the father? I'm assuming this is the case but wanted to make sure I understood.

GSAS082612 12-22-2012 10:36 PM

Yes, I am trying for a baby with the 34 year old. He already has children with a new born son on the way, but together him and I want a child.

DarayTala 12-22-2012 10:39 PM

I don't think age gap is a huge issue unless you make it one. There could be a difference in maturity, you could be at different places in your life and wanting different things, but that's not necessarily the case. I'm 23 at this point, and one of my partners is 37, and we have a wonderful relationship. When I was 18 actually, my first partner outside of my fiance was a 38 year old. There were some maturity issues, but they were actually with him being immature and trying to collect as many girlfriends as possible because he thought it would make him look good, while myself and his wife were the more mature ones. So nope, there is nothing wrong with an age gap as long as you and your partners can make a relationship work.

NovemberRain 12-22-2012 10:58 PM

I once dated a man who was the same age as my dad (within a few days!). I had no idea his age when I met him. (he turned out to be a sociopath, but that's a different issue)

I was in a long term relationship with a man 13 years older than I am. FBF is 13.5 years younger than I am; and CBF is 15.5 years younger than I am. Before FBF, my bf was 8 years younger than I am.

There are times and situations in life where the age difference can and might matter a lot; and times and situations where it matters not at all. I used to date a man a few years younger than I, and everyone who knew him, called him 'old man.'

It's no one's business but yours. You're not obligated to tell anyone the difference in your ages.

GalaGirl 12-22-2012 11:34 PM


The biggest issue I am getting is the age.
Who is giving you age issues? Parents? Friends? What? Are you having trouble coping with the age gap yourself, or the reaction to the age gap from other people? I am not clear.


But I am curious with how many othe poly-relationships have an age gap so wide
I know of one poly friend with a large age gap. 17 yrs? The rest I don't know the exact ages of but they seem closer in ages than that. In monoships? One of my aunts and uncles have a 17 year age gap. My parents have 7 yrs. They are all going strong.

I don't think age itself matters or even whether in a polyship or monoship kind of family. What matters is if the family members understand each other in context and put in the work to understand each other and put in the work into making sure the family is healthy.

You at 18 and wife at 21 puts you both in the age range where brain is still doing a lot of development. He is past that age.


I don't know how that will play out in term of being able to see each other's point of view, communicate, and deal with conflict resolution. Could be something to consider as the family travels Life's Journey together in this first decade. It's the same as considering your own aging on the other decade stages -- menopause for the women, andropause for the man. How does it affect family harmony as each family member hits ages/stages milestones?

There's also six maturities. More here in my blog thread. Not everyone achieves them all at the same rate. Chronological and physical everyone does just by hitting the next birthday, but the rest one has to work at developing -- emotional, intellectual, social, philosophical. Where all three people in the family are at in the development of their maturities could also matter in family harmony.

Last but not least, the addition of children into a family changes family dynamics considerably. How long have you been seeing them and joined the family?

Given that your other thread
was talking about wanting to break it up, you could consider waiting a touch on the TTC thing.

Not just to learn how to get along better as a family unit first, or to better see how each one of the parents and would be helping to parent your own child, but to space out the family children out so it's easier to raise them. There's a reason for that common 3 year gap between siblings. Having a lot of babies under 3 yrs old in one house is taxing and while you'd have an extra parent in this family configuration, it's still challenging to family harmony. It's so much easier when the older ones have started VPK or elementary school so part of the day they are over there.

So again... I don't think age gap much matters. More is the willingness of the family members to understand each other in context and to pull their fair share of the responsibilities in service to the family. Then the family can function as a healthy, harmonious family unit -- pulling as a team.

My 2 cents,

Becca 12-23-2012 04:32 AM

I had a relationship with a large age gap when I was your age. I feel like I sort of lost out on something, as the person I was with was in a totally different place in their life than I was. I lost out on really being in and experiencing my 20s.

But if you're 18 and trying to get pregnant, it sounds like you're already willing to skip that. I'm not judging you for it, not at all! Just be aware of what you're giving up.

Anneintherain 12-23-2012 06:38 AM

Er...are they bringing up the age difference just because? Or are they bringing it up in relationship to some issue you are having?

I wouldn't recommend anybody age 18 to have a kid period, and if they wanted to I'd suggest to do so sanely would mean having at least a two year long DATING relationship with the person you are seeing first with a period of cohabitation (no I don't think just knowing them longer is enough) to determine if this is something that can really work long hall. I feel the same about marriage. It is easy to forget to be practical and sensible when you're feeling all romantic. I'll say from experience, most people end up regretting being hasty.

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